U2's One keeps playing in my head… not the entire song, just 'One love one life…' just those two words.
After reading Kamil's blog, after crying, I thought I'd better just write this now, while having this surge of emotions. Too many emotions that I just want to scream. Indeed, it I were standing somewhere in the Jura mountains now, overlooking Lac Leman, I would. I would scream until I lost my voice.
I only wanted to read Paulo Coelho's 'Veronika decides to die' because I was curious. That's after reading Ma Tang's 'Given a chick at 18' that superbly describes the sexual desires of an 18-year-old chinese boy. Amazing, almost like Lolita, except that Mr. Humboldt is younger.
So I thought I'd read Veronika decides to die for a change. Something philosophical, something heavier, something that would make me think. And now I'm thinking too much. Well, the one thing I did immediately was to (like Veronika did) play the piano. It felt different, letting out all my emotions into Clair de Lune, letting my fingers roam over the keys, unbridled. It felt so original, so me. Yet we all know that Clair de Lune is an impressionist piece, hints shoudl be subtle, emotions should not be glaringly obvious. I shall look for Beethoven's Sonata No. 8. And I shall perhaps look for second hand pianos in Lausanne.
I had only wanted to read Veronika decides to die out of curiosity, becuase it was sitting on our shelf. I had only wanted my daily dosage of morals. But what did I see on the second page just as I was immersed into the story? 'Where is Slovenia?' - Why this line at this time? Why Ljubljana, Frances Preseren, Preseren Square, Ljubljana castle? Why all this talk about doing things that we would not normally dare to do just because we are afraid of the past, the future, just because we are afraid to be deemed different? Now Slovenia would be to me a reminder to live life the way I want it, to live life like it will be my last day so I have nothing to lose, and it is all because of a book and a Slovene, both having inspired me to do so. How much of a coincidence is that?
Veronika was told she only had a few days to live. Now my days in London are numbered. Do I dare do what I never did? Or perhaps this: Veronika had been this close to dying and she was then given another chance to live, which she did not waste. I was given a chance to start anew when I came to London. Did I waste it? Almost, but no, not entirely. Qugee is a godsend. Now I am given the chance to start anew again. Will I waste it? Certainly not. But then here I am, having looked at Kamil's blog, having cried. I think I am scared. Kamil has been there and back again. "The past will be what's normal again", but Kamil, you have found yourself! I am afraid I will lose myself… "I think when you are trying too hard to project your happiness through others, you start to loose yourself because you are always changing to adapt to the way people see things." I am afraid that this will be what happens to me. I wasn't strong enough one year ago. I dont' know if I am now, because sometimes I feel that I am, but not always. And this very minute I am afraid. But being strong is not about being indifferent to things, it is about daring to do things. Will I dare? Or will I sink into the convenience of companionship like I did, that turned out to be disastrous?
So I have now another chance to live. I should look across the English Channel to London, across the Alps to Slovenia as a constant reminder to live as I want to. And in my last days here in London, do what I have never done and never have dared to do. Dare to live. Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. Learn to let go of the bad memories, and be not attached to the good times as well. Because that is all I have - one life.
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