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20:07
In my opinion God created love so that we learn through our own feelings how to take care of one another in need. After waiting for so long, the agony running through my heart, the helplessness I felt and the numbness that resulted from the inability to be there for someone in need finally come back staring at me in the face today.
For the past week or so I have been sleeping on average less than 4 hours a day, and in the office I wear a mask by numbing my fear for the worst, hiding my tiredness by cups and cups of coffee that pushes me to stay awake through the programming and discussions at work. Finally, after traveling 16 hours through the middle east, I finally arrived back ‘home’. My grandmother always questioned me as to why I never considered Hong Kong as ‘home’, because to her, it is almost inconceivable to live anywhere else than home.
Since I have been so numbed for so long, the highs and lows in emotion, nothing prepared me for this moment to face my grandma. Last time I saw her, she was grabbing my arms as I walked her down the steps of YMCA complaining to me her age and weakness. In fact, I was encouraging her by telling her she was very strong for someone her age. For me, I knew that perhaps that would be the very last time I get to spend quality time with her and for granting both of us this time, I am grateful to God for giving us this chance. This time, as she grabbed my arms she grasp for air as she tries to talk to me, and for seeing this frailness in her, I couldn’t hold back the tears, and it troubles me deeply to see her in this state.
There are a lot of self-blame, for perhaps the selfishness of wanting to work in the UK, the will to live independently in my own rights, and not here at ‘home’ when my family needs me the most. But perhaps I could’ve come back earlier, and be there for my grandma when she needs me the most. However, by being not here, I have helped resolved a lot of tensions which might have occurred if I were here.
All of this begs the perennial question of the separation between mind and soul. There is nothing in death that scares me and even though the passing of a very close family will ultimately saddens me a lot, I know that this is not the end. However, the mind and soul is something I do not understand. If our intentions are what count then what happens when we are unaware of our own intention, that we are unable to make any sane decision. Where does our soul lie? What happens to our memories when they can no longer be trusted?
This week will ultimately be the greatest challenge to my life yet. I have been waiting for all my life for this moment, and I realised no matter how much I prepare, I will not be able to overcome the emotions that comes with it. Perhaps God made us with the ability to love one another so that in our time of greatest need, we will not be alone.
I am not sure how many of you out there read this blog, but I just want to thank all of you for your regards as it made her feel that her life was not insignificant and that she did made an impact on somebody. We all need to feel that sometimes, and I guess that is the reason we need love.