Mmm… I think I have misjudged once again. Or actually, not. I have seen it right from the start – the two faces of the man. By day, he talks about books, art, literature, photography and science. By night, he is an unbridled hedonist, fallen under the spell of alcohol. Or perhaps I am too much of a puritan? The only subjects that I can seem to talk about these days are klassiche musik, Dali, human rights, women's rights and whatever you see in the news. That is, apart from the usual 'So when are you going to Switzerland?' I remind myself not to question my character. There is nothing wrong with me, only that I am not the wild sort. One settles down eventually and follows the middle way. Sure, I like the occasional jokes that border on sexuality, but I couldn't talk about that all the time.
I am still not quite sure about what I want to do after my PhD. But if asked again if this is what I want to do, I would say yes. Is one ever certain about the aspirations of one's entire life? Not for me. I only ever plan a few years in advance, perhaps two or three. At present, I want to do a PhD, although what I will do with that afterwards I have no clue. I know that I love Berlin and I would like to live there, to work or to continue research as a postdoc. But that is uncertain. That would depend on what I find in Switzerland. But of course, if one asks what plans I have for Switzerland, they are apart from my PhD 1) Learn French to conversational level, 2) Volunteer for an NGO – either human rights or environment, 3) Learn the Cello, 4) Brush up on German to conversational level. Will that be too much for me to take? I seriously doubt so if I manage my time well and most importantly that I do not end up making the same mistake as I did when I escaped from Singapore to London.
Am I to find an answer to (my) life in Switzerland? Perhaps. I am a strong believer in fate – it has taken me thus far and it will take me further. Just live life squeezing every single drop out of it as I can. Already fate has proven that it was meant to be for me to come back to London for this Masters degree. I could have started my PhD without coming back. But circumstances had it that I to return, simply because it is compulsory to be holding a Masters degree before being eligible for a PhD in continental Europe. And this past year has seen many happenings. For one, my take on relationships have changed dramatically. Sun diagnosed me with 'emotional projections'. On this matter, I cannot tell you more what QuGee means to me. In my latest acknowledgments, “…Finally, I would like to show my appreciation to everyone in QuGee for helping me find my place here today.” And I mean it, because QuGee has helped me fill that last void, and encouragement from Sun to write more. Yes, write more and make more music! If I have too many emotions, I need to release them somewhere. Even now as I am nearing the end of my stay in London, I am learning. I have realised how lucky I am to be me, how lucky that I have the parents I have, how selfless they are. I have come to terms finally with what I have run away from in Singapore four years ago. And just now, I am realising how much I have depended on QuGee as my only social circle and that I need to widen it. Be brave, I say to myself, for you have to live independently from now on. Although, I have to say that it is not 'moving on'. These two words cannot be used in this context. They can only be used on the one person I have said goodbye to this past year, but they will not and shall never be used on QuGee. My QuGee will always be around, near in spirit, I will always be loved by them. It is just physically impossible to be together, but we will always be linked by that special bond. I have never been this close to anyone, less to say any group of friends in my life - nobody can replace them. In a nutshell, I have found myself by coming back to London. I have found myself and this has given me strength to start a new life in Switzerland, this has also given me strength to hang on to what I have in London that I promise I will never let go.
ZJ ever said to me that everything changes, that the only thing that remains constant is change. I wonder at that – how true those words are! And this next bit are my words – change is a force so disproportionately strong that makes man succumb. One of the most basic needs of man, apart from food, water and shelter, is companionship. Because human beings are social animals. We need company. Society pressures us to find company. But we, being the brainy creatures that we are, set standards for ourselves and for our companions. (Those selfish set standards for their companions and not for themselves.) And we know that once these standards are not met, we can potentially pay the price emotionally. So it is essential to uphold those standards. Therefore, lowering these standards and succumbing to loneliness is one of the biggest weaknesses of man. And it cannot show more by a change of environment. I have done it once, almost four years ago now. I have lost a lot, but I have gained a whole load more than that. I have seen two people going to Japan, one succumbing to that almost immediately and perhaps only falling forever, and the second who I have ultimate respect for, who has picked himself up again and again and who will soon return a much stronger man. So I brace myself now. I need to set standards. And I have an advantage because I know literally what lies ahead of me across those Jura mountains – the people, the culture, the place. So I set standards and I will need to check myself for a period of time until I finally settle in. I cannot afford to fall with what I have learned here from QuGee. I will be strong, and I will finally do what I want to do. A few weeks ago I told A “…I have only just learned to enjoy life this year!” Oh how true these words are and how they ring in my ears again and again! So let this be a reminder to myself.
And let this be a reminder to myself not to lower my standards. For myself, for those around me, and for any potential companions. I was posed with a question a few weeks ago “… if you could have accepted B then, why can't you accept xx?” Which shocked me to the core. As T said, it is a complete waste of time and energy to enter into a relationship where one cannot possibly see a future. And I know I am tired of these emotional upheavals. So let it be a reminder to me, in my reflections, under the moonlight of a midsummers night.
11 Aug, Sat, 2:08am
3:23
