Perhaps this is what one calls an identity crisis? I've been back for two days now and I'm having a culture shock… It's probably to do with my cousin's wedding.
So as I said, I've been made bridesmaid and ring bearer. Went down to Grandma's place yesterday and had dinner with Dad and all three aunts (they're all in their 50s - 60s). It's just odd… it's not that I want to be vengeful or that I still have 'attachments', but somehow it's hard to believe their change in attitude, a warmth that seems to reach a climax every time I return. I think it's to do with a very complex mindset of a typical immigrant chinese population. At least I am able now to converse comfortably in cantonese - it helps. Looking at them discuss the formalities of my cousin's wedding though, I get more convinced by the minute about my distaste for such planned 'happy' events, thoughts that I kept to myself at the dinner table, of course.
Will I return eventually? Dad was obviously hoping that I'd do so. The very first words he uttered when we met, apart from talk about Grandma, was that there are now 'so many opportunities' for overseas graduates here. To do what? To do what they want us to do? What now about the GST hike, the increase in transport fares, 'competitive' salaries and benefits? Gosh, imagine a 4% increase in GST over the past four years! Things are much more expensive that I imagined them to be, my imagination being the country I remembered four years ago, and this is not reflected in our payrise. Now they say, the opening of the Venetian Macau Resort Hotel will pose a problem. And let's not speak of my political views, even I am confused by them. How can I return?
I am now beginning to see my country and its people in a different light, literally and metaphorically. Just cannot put a finger to it exactly though, things are changing and so are my views. I'll take a day to walk, just walk and take photos. Saw an article this morning in the papers about our people overseas, 'sticking together', for social comfort, for political networking and for the lack of curiosity of their surroundings. Couldn't help but identify with it. Will I be what we call here a 'second-class' citizen in another country?
Oddly enough, it is at home where I feel most comfortable with my thoughts. Even though Mom is now occupied with other people, we still have the time to discuss our views on many issues, some differing. I realise, for example, that I am very conservative in my taste for music. Over breakfast though was the question of 'xiu1 shen1 yang3 xing4' and the thirst (ke3 wang4) for it. Need to do something about chinese characters on this comp.