I am still here. For the past 2.5 months I have been spending most of my days in my own room trying to do what it is that keeps me occupied. Everyone would be out from 9 to 9, and it seems like there is no need to go out to the living room. People will stop knocking on my door and just rush in. I am lacking motivation to do the simplest of chores, lacking motivation to find a job - and it seems like my life is stale, and will rot when the time is right. The only thing which keeps me motivated nowadays is lifesaving. Training 2 to 3 times a week, going out full speed training hard for competitions. Afterwards, we’ll just stay around in the pub chatting about up coming competitions, the past glories. Then I will tread home, and in a way dreading the knowledge that the next day I will be spending most of the day in front of the computer.
It seems such a big contrast to my life in Japan. I miss the sudden rush of need to go to Shinjuku or a tranquil hike in the mountains with a couple of friends. I miss hanging out in the coffee shop talking about things which probably will never happen. I miss someone knocking on my door at night asking me to go for a stroll to Conbini. These things never happen here in the UK.
Perhaps its my problem for living in isolation. But it is giving me many many thoughts as to whether or not I can really stay here for another 3,4 years living this lifestyle. This is not good enough. I am sorry. I have hence decided that I will stop applying for jobs. I think I will stop my PhD application because I feel I need a few more years of work experience in the field before attempting a PhD. If I do not get an offer before I leave UK in the summer, I will head back to HK for good, and I will apply for a job from home.
I feel too suffocated right now to be able to step my foot down and say “Yes, this is what I want my life to be.”Coming to being 23, I feel like I am moving back in age. I have accomplished too much to stop here. I have to un-trap myself, I will do something I like.