Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
~ The Alchemist
I am afraid of this bitterness I feel more and more as my life progress. Today looking at it, it almost seem like I am eaten up from inside out. This repression of thought, freedom to follow a dream. The right thing to do. I am pained by this process I have gone through in the past 4,5 years of my life. Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to do: Choosing Engineering.
You know, it never occurred to me that we really need to fight for our dreams. We are always illusioned to believe that we have a choice in whatever we do, but we really don’t. The reason for this is that we are afraid to live our dreams. You know why does everyone like “The Alchemist” so much? Because everyone tries to identify with him, they admire him for living his dream. He should’ve been a priest in his church, in his town. Instead he chose to be a shepherd and travelled the world.
Yesterday I had a telephone interview with an Engineering company in London. You would think that that is the perfect job for me, in London doing image processing. Yet, when he asked me about my aspirations and skills, I told him that I didn’t know C++ and that I understood that industry needs people who can program in order to bring about the theories and algorithms. So in a mutual turn down, he turned me down, and I turned him down. I was devastated. It almost felt like there was no hope of me being an Engineer. After that interview I felt very upset. I wasn’t upset because that company rejected me. But it was the fact that I didn’t fight for it. Afterwards on the phone with Vincent, he asked me why I didn’t tell him that I knew C++ (since I have done a couple of projects with C++ and I could do it I suppose) because at least then I would get an interview. But I just shrugged and said…Oh well. He said, “maybe you just don’t want to be an Engineer.” I felt upset at that point because I knew that there is nothing in this life I am passionate about. There is really nothing worth me living for. That in itself is a big statement.
Met up with Alette today. She was a good friend of mine back in the first few years of high school. It was almost like time flew by. 8 years since I last saw her. Literally, 8 years since I last saw her. She left for Denmark when we were 14 or some ridiculous age like that. Today, I showed her around London and it seems like that 8 years had past by just like that. I met up with her and her boyfriend from Ireland - it was great. I felt so myself. Its been a long time since I felt like myself, since I felt so happy and naturally happy. A lot of times I have to pretend to be happy because I gather that that is what people want me to feel. I guess that contributes to what Paulo Coehlo meant when he pointed towards slow intense suffering. The unnatural gesture of pretending to want to be there when you don’t. However today - there is just a glimmer of hope for me - I remember what happiness meant. I remember what happiness felt like. This is a big statement in itself too. I guess I am most happy when I can be myself, alleviated of any expectations placed upon me. I don’t have to be who I am expected to be because I am just…me.
Back to the point about following dreams. I told Alette and Eoin (her boyfriend) about my dislike for Engineering (sorry to all those of you who have such high hopes of me being an excellent Engineer who graduated from Imperial College). Then they enlightened me with the thought that there is a hope that I could spin it around. That perhaps I could do PPE or Philosophy in Oxford after the many years I have been hoping to do so. I am excited about this prospect - that I could engage myself in a philosophical arena where people really think about the ends of the worlds without following any doctrines, dogmas and that people can be more than just a tool for the further-ment of human societies (by technology or so forth). I cannot tell you how happy I am about this prospect because for the first time in a long time, I can truly be appreciated for my ability to think. That I will be free to engage in thoughts that flow beyond scientific boundary, that idealism could be appreciated without the hinder of practicalities.
I am sitting here again. I said before, “we are always illusioned to believe that we have a choice in whatever we do, but we really don’t. The reason for this is that we are afraid to live our dreams.” I can tell you that I see so much truth in that. I can point out only a handful of people who are really living out their dreams - and its not many. Jac, for example, is living out her dreams - she knows what is it that she needs to do and wants to do: Environmentalist and CSR. It doesn’t come easy. Then there are those who dream but does not live it. For instance, YGG, he sits here and day dream about his PhD project and his business in the future but he doesn’t have the courage to live it. Vincent is 1/2 living his dream. He wants to be a monk. But yet, he has persuaded himself that it is better to stay in this world and be an Engineer and practice in his own time.
I can stand here today as I finish my Masters of Engineering and declare to the world: I am not an Engineer. Despite me being able to make a language identification system in a short time. I am good at it. This year is probably the best it can get. However, its not enough. It is not enough not because I am greedy and that I want more material satisfaction in life - but I am not passionate about life anymore. It been eating at my soul for a long time now. My brain seems dead. My heart seems empty.
I feel like my brain is static for the past few years. Now is the time to live my dreams. But like when I was given this choice 5 years ago. I decided not to follow my dreams. I decided to do the right thing - just like the shepherd staying in his town studying to become a priest. But it is not my destiny. It is not where my heart is.
My strength is also my weakness. I have been asked in my interview for Jardin’s Scholarship for Cambridge University “What is your greatest weakness”. I know the answer today: Perseverance. I will persevere even when I know its the wrong decision. A better word for it is “stubborn”.
When I came back tonight, I was looking up Oxford University PPE course and second degrees. YGG and YSS are sitting there having their dinner. They heard by suggestion of doing a second degree. They laughed. Maybe it seems daft to many people, just like my relatives when they heard me say I wanted to do Maths and Philosophy for my first degree. Yet, just like the old proverbs say “He who laughs last laughs the longest.” I am afraid to live this dream.