It was a few months ago when I re-watched this having forgotten most of what its about. It must be ranked amongst the best films I have watched. Then again, I like strange films with deep meanings, so I guess its no wonder why 21 grams is amongst the ones I liked. I started this blog post back then as it is a reminder for me of death.
They say when you die (in the film), you loose 21 grams and your life flashes in front of your eyes. I’ve been thinking about what death would be like and the moments before you die. Today I had to do the most difficult thing in my life: say goodbye to my grandmother. What do you say to someone you know you will never see again (in this physical world anyway)? For all this time, my grandmother was always sleeping on the bed, semi-conscious all the time, by the end she had become very unconscious. Most of the time when I call her, shake her, lift her up to feed her (through the tube), she would merely have a groan or staring blankly into space, rarely giving any response. But today…when I said goodbye…told her that I was going back to England…Even though her eyes were closed, she held my fingers so tight as if she didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t help but think that the uncertainty of death keeps us holding onto this life and everything real we had (such as love).
I told her…Don’t worry, we’ll meet again very soon, that we would spend everyday together again in jannah, told her that when she sees the angels of death to remember to recite ‘la illaha illalah wa muhammadah rasool lillah’ -> that there is no other deity worthy of worship other than God and that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His messenger. With that and knowing what it means all her sins will be forgiven and she will be amongst those who will dwell in the garden of Eden. Then I recited a few more verses in the Quran (in Arabic) and took her hands away and walked off.
Sometimes when we are so young, we forget what death means, and for someone staring at death in the face, all talks of the beginning of the universe, political power and many things that we as a humankind tries to work towards suddenly become quite insignificant. I was thinking if the plane suddenly blew up midair and I was to plummet 10,000m to my death, what would go through my mind. I think I would really care very little for this world and would prepare myself for the next world. Then again, how many 24 year old would actively think about his death when there could be so much other things going on with his life.
I shall move into my new flat which is 1/2 a gift from my grandmother - something she always wanted, give me the initial 1/2 and for me to mortgage the rest. She would be very happy with what I bought. Back in June she stared out of the windows of Prince of Wales Hospital and asked if I bought those flats across the river. I told her the flat was in England and that if she got better I’d take her there. She always held the view that she would get better and come and stay in my new flat for a month or so, and that she would be satisfied if God allowed her to. However, as she was staring out of that window, she said to me, “even if I don’t, whenever you look outside the windows of your flat, you know you can see me.”
I haven’t shed 1 tear this week back home. I don’t think its because my heart is hard, if anything, I think the last months had soften my heart and I had learnt self-control like I have never experienced before. Its not my heart which is hard, but its the certainty of the fact that this is only a temporary goodbye, that insh’Allah, we’ll meet again in a much more beautiful place where rivers flow and fruits are picked.
Until then, I shall remember the path we had taken together. Yesterday I heard a beautiful quote which I will share with you. “If you experience something bad, write it on the sand but if you experience something good scribe it on a rock.” I know that what we have been though would be enscribed on the tablet which no one except for God can erase.
They say we loose 21 grams at our death and our life flashes before our eyes. I wonder what my grandmother would see.