I have decided – this is the solution. I would be the totality of everything I am. As I wrote in the previous blog post, I will strive to be the best of all that I am. There is no point lamenting over my identity. I know dutch people who hates to be dutch , I know Chinese who can’t speak the language, and I know British Pakistanis who don’t know where in the social spectrum they lie.
This is the state of affair in the world we live in. I remember reading how J.G.Ballard in the Empire of the Sun talked about Mixed-Blood Children, and the description was horribly bad. We’re like the foresaken children who were seen as impure. Such was the time of the Japanese Occupation. I sometimes wonder what is worse – being a pure Pakistani living amongst the Chinese, or being a Pakistani-Chinese trying to make sense of your own Identity in a globalised world. I don’t know – I would assume the former. We are the residue of Globalisation. In the Indian caste system, we would be considered the untouchables because we don’t belong to any particular race. It is a strange world we live in today. The reminence of Eugenics, the acceptance of some of the message of Nietzche, hightened global security threat and lack of appreciation for culture and religion all contribute towards the disfuctional nature of my existence.
Uniqueness can lead to loneliness. Perhaps that is the pessimist in me talking. I can think of a million and one ways to mess up my kids even more. But, one interesting thing is that whist the parents of 2 single-race gets married, it is the kids who are left questioning their identity. I would like to meet some British-Pakistanis, i.e. those of white British and Pakistani parents. It would be interesting to see how they cope with their identity. I would think they would find it very difficult, and in my mind, most of them would choose to take on the identity of the White Briton with Pakistani blood – and that was the way I coped in Hong Kong – the Chinese with Pakistani blood. I had a very good friend who was British and Chinese. We used to just laugh at these things and we found comfort in the uniqueness we found ourselves in. However, as you grow older and older, these people are hard to come by, and you start to realise, you have to make a choice between one culture or the other.
But you know what, I have come to a conclusion. I know this will be a struggle everyday. But I will be the best of all these identities. I might even try to learn Urdu for the sake of connecting to both side equally. If Pakistan was less messy, I might even choose to go live there for a few years to pick up the culture.
I remember reading some documents which my Grandmother had left us, and one of them was that of my great-grandfather. He talked of his longing to return to Punjab, India in the 1930s. I think he never thought he would live in Hong Kong, he probably thought he would do the Brits a favour by going there for a few years. However, things took a different turn, the Japanese occupation happened, and everything turned upside down. It is the generation of my father, and subsequently my generation, to pick up the pieces of this conundrum we find ourselves in.
My brother said Islam is a lifestyle choice. Perhaps it is my attempt to finally bridge the gap between the two sides of me. It is time I attempt to understand what being Pakistani means in a world where I can try to peep in only because I could speak English.