Ramadan has always been a spiritual opening for those who put their hearts to finding this opening. For me, this opening came in the form of Quran lesson this year. It has totally opened my life to a different circle. I remembered back in August when my parents were here and I was quite upset that they would leave me alone in the month of Ramadan. In their place, Allah s.w.t gave me a Quran teacher who taught me how to be a Muslim. Also, a Muslim friend from work took me in to his home on days of fasting and Eid. This year has been the first year in my life where I kind of understood the other genetic makeup of me.
I was talking to my teacher today and he said to me, btw you know Shaykh Hamza Yusuf ā he suffers from identity crisis too. Wellā¦I guess I can understand how a white American guy living amongst predominantly Muslims from Africa and middle east in America would. It then occurred to me that we hardly have any influential Islamic scholars at my age.
The other 2 students who joined the Quran class at the same time as me has since dropped out of the class. I went and visited one of them today. We prayed and sat for a brief chat just now. I just realised within the 3-4 months since knowing each other, having started at the same place, we are at a very different position today. This is a long long journey. It has been 4 months since learning how to read the Quran in Arabic, and knowing how much longer I still have to go, I am worried that I might loose my footings. Slowly and slowly, I feel elements of pride creeping in. I donāt even have anything to be proud of. This is the pitfall of the religious ā pride of piety. I am trying to acknowledge it by sitting quietly at work, not talking to people around me unnecessarily. Every time I talk to someone, I feel like my ego is being comforted. People donāt understand why I am trying to keep away from them. They see it as an enditment on them, but instead, I am merely trying to stay away because of my negative influence.
My youth is my biggest strength and weakness. Whilst it is a great thing to learn from those who are elder than I, I feel like my experiences are dwarfed by theirs. I donāt know what is in stall for me. However, Allah s.w.t had been the most kind. I asked a friend of mine at work to come with me to Lefke to visit Sheikh Nazim a few months before Ramadan. Within first week of joining the Quran class, I was invited by someone who I had never known in my life at that point to go with him to Lefke. Moreover, I was there for his grandsonās wedding. Hence, I was amongst important people around the world who were invited. At that wedding, people kept telling me, it was a spiritual invitation. I have since made a couple more friends who I happened to meet on the path.
Qadari ā I am starting to think that is the path I am supposed to walk. From the books of Shaykh Abd Qadir Jilani, I have come to adore him cause of his power. When people say they fall in love with the Awliyas, I fell in love with him just by reading his book. The wisdom is amazing; more amazing than Imam al-Ghazali. Hence, I understood why I was invited to Shaykh Nazimās place only after I met my teacher. There are certain conditions which needed to be fulfilled before certain things happen.
The greatest virtue which I lack is Sabr or patience. This is a tribulation for me. My impatience is my greatest pitfall and this along with my pride is a source for my hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is one of the gravest condition a man can find himself in. I pray that I get cleaned. I feel rather unclean latelyā¦too many polluted thoughts.
This path leads me to the bigger path. If I canāt walk this oneā¦the big ones ahead will cause me to fall and die.