Ah le silence… je dois me bien reposer avant de partir…
Je ne serais pas la pendant trois mois. Je ecrirais peut-etre des Etats Unis, je ne sais pas…
… Et je reviendrais quand le nouveau vin est pret…
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Items by Xiao
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21:05
Avant de partir
» To look life in the face -
23:15
Ireland, conference and Jasmine
» To look life in the faceMon, 20th April
Long day of travelling. Everybody commented about new haircut. Left for airport after lunch. Fiddled with self check-in machine, "mon premiere fois de jouer avec la systeme". Flight landed early, though had to take bus to Heuston statio. Made friendly chat with English woman living in central Ireland. Group of french tourists sitting beside. Family, here to visit daughter. She recounted her experience with english in Ireland. Family was fascinated. Strange to hear a familiar language in a foreign land, where the language of english is so foreign to me. Should have taken a flight to Cork. I still prefer Swiss trains. I'm jitterish about this conferenc,e about what Dieter said to me last week. Hope I'll perform. Have to rest my nerves.
Thurs, 23rd April
The conference just finished yesterday. Quite disppointed that my project didn't really interest anyone on this side of the continent. Perhaps I didn't sell my work well enough. Perhaps the problem lies with AMB. People need to know. I need to revise my poster. It is not legible and reader-friendly enough. Maybe to omit methods, point form, concentrate on AMB and the players involved. Didn't see Dow, O'Gara only appeared for prize presentation. Didn't get chance to speak to Williams (P). Imperial group consisted of Cate, Robern, Dan the drinker, Mohair Tim and the girl, what's her name? Just couldn't really fit in. They're not very open, not very worldly, and talked mainly about alcohol. We had 15 eur pizze for first day. Dan talked about getting drunk to 'relax'. Now it hits home to me. Ended up with the Germans fro mthe same B & B, Andre, Ramiro and Marina. There was also Christin who works in Graz. Ramiro knows Edith. Much more comfortable company.
Sat, 26th April
Parted rather reluctantly with the German group after looking around Cork in the morning. Lunched at the Old English market where Andre gave a comment about the burnt sausage. Headed to Blarney castle after we parted, and there met Romeo. Rather touristy. I have yet to send an email to him. The three of us looked around the castle and its grounds, there was an Aussie girl here in Europe to attend a wedding. Can't remember names. I didn't kiss the Blarney stone, it didn't look very clean. Rather liked the garden, although the house wasn't open for visiting. Parted again in Cork, and I took a three-hour train to Dublin to meet Jasmine. Dont know if it was strange for her. I felt altogether comfortable in her presence, although we haven't known each other for long. I miss asian food. They've got some good restaurants in Dublin. You just need to know where to eat. Was lucky with the rooms at the hostel, although location wasn't great. Ireland was on the whole cold, dark and rainy until I left on saturday. Miniature London, not exactly my place to be.
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12:00
The cost of farting
» To look life in the faceAfter a recent bad encounter with silent farting in a packed cellar, this thought's been disturbing my mind:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/manchester/7984554.stm
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0:57
Human Rights in Singapore
» To look life in the faceLook what I've found:
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13:50
Skiboots
» To look life in the faceCome monday, the first thing I will do is to buy a pair of ski boots before the sports shops change their shelves. It's SICK, wearing a pair of soggy boots that you know isn't because of your sweat…
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13:48
A quarter of a century
» To look life in the faceOne find love and betrayal at any age.
At 20, you're too young and inexperienced to be employed.
At 30, you're too old for your first job.
At 40, you get what they call a "mid-life crisis".
At 50, you are the first to go during a recession.
At 60, you might as well retire.
So it really doesn't matter how old you are - there's no difference!
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0:06
The truth about home
» To look life in the faceI've lived in three countries over the 25 years of my life. Two are in Europe, one in Asia where I was born. Come summer, I will be moving across the Atlantic for three months. I believe I have seen enough to be able to think, much to be able to judge. I don't want to address the topics of friendships and relationships, love and trust, philosophy and psychology today. I want to reveal to you, reader, how I see my home country, Singapore.
Today marks two weeks exactly since I've left. I feel very much like a tourist, more than I've ever been before. Ever heard the chinese saying, "当局者迷，æ—观者清“？For the two weeks I've been back, I haven't felt assimilated. Perhaps I never was, and sadly I never will be. It's too easy to tell by my accent - both in English and in Mandarin - that I'm "not from around here". But listen, it's not only the way I speak. The differences run deeper than that.
Family and acquaintances keep asking me, "How many years do you have left? When will you be returning". And all the time I skirt the question, saying there are at least three years until I finish my PhD. What I am witholding is how much I am sure I will not return. Only close friends, and ironically my Dad seem to understand. The answer, a much better answer that would have only been truthful would be, "Let's put it this way, Singapore wouldn't have anything to offer for what I want to do."
I used to think myself weak and undesirable in the eyes of the Singapore system. Indeed, I have never been a scholar, I never 'won', for I failed to pass the second test for the 'gifted' education program, and I didn't get 4 As for my GCE 'A' levels. In the eyes of the Singaporean community, I am a failure, as I paid my way through a degree at Imperial. Yes, incredible, isn't it? Well, this is the fruit of a 'meritocratic' society. A 'meritocratic' society so focused on 'merit' in terms of academic results at school that they disregard everything else, especially creativity. Ironically of course, there is so much talk of nurturing creativity! Here's a story - I only really gained some confidence when I found myself a lab placement at Imperial during my second year there. Quite unfortunately, I was up against a much too self-confident A-star scholar, who consistently scored As and who was always comparing himself to me. More unfortunately, I thought he was a good friend. Well, he didn't take it well when I was taken on. Instead, he sent what I found out later to be a 'really nasty' email to the PhD student who took me on. And since then he had issues with the entire lab.
Here's another - an ex-boyfriend and his family never took it well that I did one lab placement after another. For those of you scientists out there, we all know that getting lab placements are really not a big deal. The problem is, when you have a very competitive boyfriend and his family who are constantly comparing you to him and who are jealous of your success, you've hit homerun. Things start to get difficult, because you're not supposed to do well, since you're not a scholar, and he is… well… an EDB scholar, known to be one of the most competitive government scholarships. And of course you get labelled as lucky, paying your way to your future, and other ridiculous accusations such as bad upbringing.
Well. All that was in the past. The point is, how can one return to a country where:
- One is paid not by qualifications but by citizenship. Seriously - if I were to return and work in A-star, I would earn less than somebody else with the exact same qualifications as I do (or even lower maybe), but who holds an EU passport, for example. Incredible?
- One gets a promotion (in the government) not based on one's skills, but based on one's exam results at 18. Missed that? Ahemm where do I start? When you are 18, you take your GCE 'A' levels. Those exam results alone (although they say it's decided according to other achievements as well…) determine whether you get a government scholarship. And then of course, they put you on a fast-track programme so you sit somewhere at the top before you are 30. Which means that it doesn't actually matter how much experience you have, if you have never been a scholar, you'll hit the glass ceiling pretty soon.
And most shocking of all,
- One is jailed because one is poor and cannot afford to pay PARENT maintenance fees. You've got to laugh at this. It is called the "Maintenance of parents act". Just google it. Well, I happen to know a middle-aged woman, single, divorced, two kids who've just started and finished Uni. She's had a difficult childhood, having been abused by her mother. For many years, she's been self-employed, a tuition teacher, which is a rather respectable job. But then the financial crisis hit hard and she found it difficult to make ends meet. She found a job at a chinese publishing company, but soon found herself on the retrenchment list when they decided to shrink their workforce. Then she found herself a position as a freelance journalist. Respectable job eh? Just didn't have a penny. Now her 80 year-old mother, who has a 5-digit sum of money in her bank account sued her, because she hasn't been paying the agreed sum of $150 a month for a few months. Of course, you see, she hasn't been very lucky with the finances. And so what did they do? (I'm summarising this up) They locked her up. Twice. A respectable freelance journalist making an honest living, locked up behind bars because she was poor, because she couldn't pay $150 a month for maintaining her mother, who has abused her when she was a child. Funny eh? I really would like to know which other country has such a law…
Well, if you can't beat them, join them. OR if you have a choice, think twice about joining them. This, my friends, is my home country. Welcome to Singapore! :D
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22:09
What next?
» To look life in the faceOh, there's lots to do next. LOTS, I tell you. Needless to say, life moves on. I finally see the end in sight for this terribly long first-year report. And then there's french, and there are the belly dancing classes, will check out the gym as long as the winter lasts. More time with friends and new friends. More skiing, more outings around the Lémanic region and the countries surrounding, cities I've promised myself to visit, including Lyon, Milan, Cremona… I want to go back to the Bodensee. I want to visit Jordan, Petra, the Dead Sea. And of course, I need to work towards my dream job… an international career.
Alors, cette année, je vais aller à deux conférences. Une en Irlande et une ici à Lausanne. Il n'est pas possible pour attender la troisième, à Hamburg, parce que je vais déménager… non, pas vraiment déménager, je vais travailler aux États-Unis! C'est une bonne chance, et je dois profiter de l'occasion pour visiter les États-Unis. Il sera mon première fois d'y aller. Je vais travailler dans un laboratoire d'un scientifique très connu, pour trois mois, à Harvard. Il était un rêve et maintenant, je suis réveillée, je vais le vivre! Le cours de français va commencer ce vendredi. Regarde toi - je peux déja écrire un paragraphe, et il était seulement une année!
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23:55
The Game of Life
» To look life in the faceThe Game of Life
Roll the dice and now think twice,
the turn is yours, the stakes are high.
If in a choice you found a blight,
don't curse your luck, but keep on high.
Draw a card and next decide,
call the shots it's on your side.
If by mistake you missed the time,
don't hang up, it will arise.
Then just before the wells run dry,
if seen a chance that you should try,
be sure to sow your seeds in time,
for you shall reap the harvest of life.
X Lee, for J., 7th Jan 2008
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21:49
Short-lived
» To look life in the faceTwo months of short-lived happiness, two months of heartache, two months of indifference and longing for an end.
Men. When you don't want them, they come to you; when you want them, they leave you.
It will be another test for me, to hang on for the next one and a half months before freedom. I always end up with men who leave me. It's time to start with a clean slate.
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23:56
缘？
» To look life in the faceI was so angry (and still am) with myself on Saturday. What was supposed to be a nice trip to the Musee de l'Elysee turned out to be a regretful one. Somebody stole my scarf! Right, there wasn't a Garderobe, there was only a clothes rack behind the front door. I did think once (not twice) before hanging my coat and my scarf there. Should I take the scarf with me? But then I though, "Oh well, it's Switzerland!" Besides, everybody else left their coats there.
Thing is, it's not JUST a scarf. It's a cashmere. And not JUST a cashmere scarf, it's a gift from Dad. He may not remember having bought me that, but it means something to me. A LOT to me. You see, it's different. If I had bought it myself, no matter how expensive it may cost, it would hurt, but not as much as this. This is like tearing a part of myself away.
(It's 10:45 pm here in Lausanne, and it's snowing outside)
On a different note, I decided to send off my application for security access at the CHUV. It'll be for another few months of what I hope will be experiments that'll pay off. I haven't yet received my new Autorisation de sejour (permit) which I would need for the application, but that could take up to months to reach me. So we decided it was best to send a copy of my work contract instead. Now that was tough - I'd search my apartment and my desk, and still could see no sign of it. I decided I'd misplaced it. Until I got home today only to find my new permit waiting in the letter box! Of course for the sake of myself, I decided it would be best anyway to find that work contract. And it took me no longer than 5 mins rummaging through my bedside table.
Was it meant to be that I wouldn't find my work contract until today? Then is it meant to be that I lose the scarf?
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23:34
6th December 2008
» To look life in the faceA whole week with students. What nostalgia! It is almost like teaching a bunch of ourselves three years ago! I'm so tired. I'll go skiing tomorrow.
Still have yet to find the time to make that truffle honey… it's been sitting around for almost two months now.
Sometimes, love is not a good enough reason for two people to stay together. Well, in our case, love is the reason why two people should not stay together. Or should I say, the absence of 'love'. I am glad I am pulling my emotions out of the game. Am I being too dreamy when I say I will finally find 'the one'? Does 'the one' actually exist?
I was so pissed today because I lost my scarf. A cashmere scarf, but not just that - it was given to me by my dad. He might not remember giving it to me, but it was a very warm scarf that meant A LOT to me. I cannot believe why someone would want to steal it - in a photography museum! That is simply uncultured! What did I do to deserve this?
Does it pay to be good?
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13:36
Flaunt that Calvin Klein!
» To look life in the face -
9:56
Rich man’s world
» To look life in the faceToo complicated?
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16:51
Ideas today controversy tomorrow
» To look life in the faceI am so afraid. I actually dread tonight, I dread the next few weeks, I dread the coming months. I hate, simply detest having tears.
Our ideas today differ so much from what they were yesterday. They are shaped by events that have occurred along the way. When judging a certain person, we should put ourselves not only in their shoes, but also in a suitable context.
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23:39
The irony of it all
» To look life in the faceIt is getting more difficult by the hour to think straight. I am already transported back to those dreadful months two years ago. I never ate the sweets you gave me - they ended up on the common table in our office. I fear now that I might burst again at work. I must hold on. Just 2 more months and a little more to recover. Yet I have not the privilege to be selfish - I must think about us. So I must pay for my decision. I thought that I have had done with heartaches, but it comes again in a different form. Still I know I am getting older, still I see no sign of settling down. Perhaps it is the sort of thing a scientist pays for being 'worldly', it was definitely the case for Pietro, ironically. I think I might end up the same way, only perhaps without family.
Well, or would I rather never to have experienced? I should be thankful because then I would never have known about you. This is my problem and only I am entitled to think about it. If you ever reach this page, you shall find out what it means to me, but I fear you never will. And I am too timid to speak. It is such an irony that I cannot practice what I preach. It is almost as if I couldn't understand myself. And believing in karma, which sometimes I chide. What good has it done? Oh what irony to barely touch and have to let go again!
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18:32
Sunflowers
» To look life in the faceThe sunflowers are wilting, the cold is approaching.
我必须ä¸åœ¨ä¹Ž "天长地久", åªåœ¨ä¹Ž "曾ç»æ‹¥æœ‰"…
There was a consensus, but I never saw it would be this painful. I cannot afford to think about the multiple possibilities that might or might not occur, but to focus only on the now. I am starting to doubt my beliefs, our actions. I am starting to doubt fate. I know only that I should not hope nor should I dread. I know I should not compare, should not draw parallels.
And that is why I missed London so much. Because I left in good stead. Whereas here in Lausanne, in due time, it will only be emptiness and cold. It will be solitude and painful memories. It will remain so until I pick myself up, until it is summer again, until I have new, fresh memories.
ä¸ºä»€ä¹ˆæ€»æ˜¯è¿™æ ·???
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15:02
Buying tickets for a performance
» To look life in the faceFor me to hear Jean-Yves Thibaudet perform and Lorin Maazel conduct at the Proms would cost me a mere 15 quid and I would catch the performance on my way home.
For me to hear Jean-Yves Thibaudet perform alongside the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra London at the Festival de Musique Classique Montreux-Vevey, I would need to pay 25 quid for a ticket and a return train ride to Montreux.
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11:28
Are you the adventurous type?
» To look life in the faceIf the tendency towards excitement, novelty and risk-taking is associated with risk of promiscuity, and if the same factors are associated with type of career, then isn't there a relationship between personality type and risk of promiscuity?
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22:37
What she really wants
» To look life in the faceAnd so, she realised, that what she really wanted was neither fame nor fortune, but to do what she wants, to have the freedom to choose, and above all to be loved.
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22:28
The privileged & the not-so privileged
» To look life in the facePeeking at the fireworks of the fete de Geneve from behind the spectator seats, between bars and picket fences. It reminds me again of where I stand in society.
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18:10
Title?
» To look life in the faceShould we be honest & true to our feelings in our way of action, or should we choose to consider "the big picture"?
As children, why are we expected to return? Why do we have to live according to standards imposed by others upon ourselves?
Is there necessity in emotional attachments? Is there necessity in building relationships? Are relationships not the result of two intertwined selfish ideas?
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0:56
Occupational hazard
» To look life in the faceI like the look people show on their faces when I introduce myself as a scientist - especially at a bar, or at a party. Cool! They say, and then start drifting away… Yes, really, it is cool, like some Dan Brown novel, or even Michael Crichton. But today I finally realised the implications of the term 'occupational hazard'.
Chlamydia psittaci - Hazard group 3 organism:
http://www.walkersafetycabinets.co.uk/hazard.htm
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/bv.fcgi?highlight=chlamydia%20psittaci&rid=mmed.section.2166#2170
Will need a serology test - hope it was just a cold.
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11:28
Looking to settle in the UK?
» To look life in the face -
16:54
Two faces
» To look life in the faceI am almost certain that I have two personalities, two very extreme personalities, and I didn't remember the existence of the party-going, rock music-loving me until last saturday. Like two sides of a coin, but one cannot exist without the other. It takes little amount of mastery to learn switching between the two and use them for different situations. But it would be even better perhaps if I could tap into the advantages of each any time I see the need.
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17:10
Church Tax
» To look life in the faceInteresting discussion about religion over lunch. So apparently in Germany and Austria if you declared yourself as Roman Catholic or Protestant you'd have to pay a certain percentage of your income each month to the church. And if you weren't working, you'd still have to pay, if you declared your religion as such. This is obligatory, and only if you left the church would you be free from church tax. But why? Shouldn't these things be voluntary? I mean of course these funds wouldn't be channelled into just the upkeep of the church, but also other useful activities and programmes (apparently churches receive 70% of church tax). But it sounds to me like extortion in the name of religion. And shouldn't church and state be two separate entities?
"…particularly in Europe, is the tax some national governments impose on income on behalf of the state church. Austria, Germany, the Nordic countries and Switzerland all have such a church tax, though in the chart it is included only in the cases of Denmark and Switzerland. One may ask whether the church tax really is a ‘tax’ as defined by international organisations: a compulsory, unrequited payment to general government."
http://www.oecdobserver.org/news/fullstory.php/aid/77/The_income_taxes_people_really_pay.html
"The church tax is only paid by members of the respective church. People who are not member of a church tax-collecting denomination do not have to pay it. Members of a religious community under public law may formally declare their wish to leave the community to state (not religious) authorities. With such a declaration, the obligation to pay church taxes ends. Some communities refuse to administer marriages and burials of (former) members who had declared to leave it."
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11:47
Enough
» To look life in the faceI am so tired I don't feel like writing. Don't feel like structuring my sentences, don't feel like putting my thoughts into words. I only want to do the bare minimum, to heed what needs doing for the now and then. At 23 one feels the coming of age in London where everyone else is working and having an income. And then one feels the responsibilities. "But hey, wait a minute," I'd exclaim to myself, "you're only 23, how much can you do with what you earn? There's a limit!" So it has to stop at some point. And it will stop here.
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11:22
Ma Colère
» To look life in the faceThe anger is creeping in again, seeping through tissues, mingling with blood, coarsing through veins. The mind is indeed a very powerful tool – because that's where the anger comes from, it comes from within, conjured by the mind to be, at the beginning, an illusion but then silently realising its presence and then its potential. Then acquiring a character of its own and formidable as it is, it bursts through the floodgates of patience, worn thin and weary from strain, and in an instant unleashes itself unto the thoughtless victim, who is not quite the subject of the speaker but on the contrary the speaker itself – thoughtless, mindless and lost in the inner world of passion and emotion.
This anger is inconsiderate; it is selfish and abhorrs any attention bestowed upon the interests of others. It professes that it acts in the interest of the self, speaks for the rights of the self, but in actuality is concerned with establishing its presence. It feels it must be seen and heard as the self. All this while the internal struggle continues such that the outsider is faced with a series of accusations, some true some false. The mind eventually loses its ability to reason and is then convinced that this anger is justified. This is the start of a situation that walks down a one-way street to the point of no return.
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2:12
The Bystander Code
» To look life in the face'Bystanders, people who witness but are not directly affected by the actions of perpetrators, help shape society by their action. Bystanders can exert powerful influences. They can define the meaning of events and move others toward empathy or indifference. They can promote values and norms of caring, or by their passivity of participation in the systems, they can affirm the perpetrators.'-Ervin Staub
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21:02
Yearning for a white Christmas
» To look life in the faceLausanne to me has become a symbol of peace - the calm of the waters, the quiet of the city on a Sunday, as if to say, "take a break…", the clear outline of the French Alps in the distance, pompous and commanding to take your breath away so you could think of nothing else but revel in its beauty. My own apartment in the middle of the night, so still you could hear footsteps above you. And the delight in imagining just how homely I can make it.
So what exactly drew me back to London with such enthusiasm that I could proclaim these bunch of friends here "family"? There are the same expectations as before. To a certain extent I understand what Kamil meant whne he talked about change. It really isn't the same is it? Well not as if I never saw that coming. I even had first hand experience when I went back for Commemoration Day this year. My head is spinning now, words are jumbled, the faces of people are all a blur, I cannot see now what things are, cannot differentiate between the now and then and the should be, I cannot think for myself whilst my heart is afire.
Perhaps the fact that even with lowered expectations, that one is required again to sink even lower with them. It would have been possible to live with another without crossing boundaries, even to attempt building up relationships, but what should one do when the respect due is not given? Or perhaps that that in itself is an expectation? And also perhaps that one should adopt the attitude that it is really "each for his own", to only trust oneself and to stand up for one's own rights even if it means playing the rogue. Where exactly do I stand? I am tearing myself apart minute by minute between this and my own beliefs, my words gradually just becoming a pile of jumble, nonsensical, and I am not meaning what I say, even saying what I mean. I need to straighten out my thoughts.
What are these, games? Actions done deliberately? Subconsciously? But when repeated one too often one can be almost certain of the implications, the underlying meaning behind these words, these actions. Or what? Am I being too involved to see the whole picture? What am I missing out? What is the story like on the other side? How much can I trust these words?
Yes, certainly it is Christmas Day today, and I do wish that things are good. Last year today I was in Japan, walking Roppongi with Atsuko and Kamil, surrounded by lighted white Christmas trees. 7 years ago I was part of a sports team, complaining of our captain for affecting others with her temper when she was upset. I know I don't believe in pulling others down with my mood, and I do hope tonight's Christmas celebrations will be good - with or without the laughter that will be drowned out by the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra anyway. Could this simply be a variation of taking those closest to you for granted? I am glad I have foreseen the importance of keeping in contact with friends here and in Singapore I have left alone for ages, people who I know care, beyond the walls of my house. And what's new with being treated like a second-class citizen? You cry and then you laugh it away. My wish now is only to enjoy my remaining time here in London and to finish here what I came for.
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11:57
Settling down
» To look life in the faceOne does not settle down overnight. There is first the literal occupying of a new apartment, followed then by the tackling of bureaucracy, making the dwelling homely enough, getting accustomed to the food, culture, language, making some new friends… And then comes the honing of the spirit such that the heart does not buckle under external pressure, such that the virtues that were acquired and practised but waveringly sustained are not altogether lost to a whole different environment. This is my second understanding of "The heart does not follow the environment", a motto that I always preach when under pressure from work. In short, there still needs to be self-restrain in my actions, and a need to address the restlessness in my thoughts.
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14:30
The Great Swiss Experience
» To look life in the faceEver wondered how it feels like being homeless? Try this - lock yourself out on a weekday night in a Swiss city in the middle of winter. To enhance this once-in-a-lifetime experience, try wearing only a thin sweater and have with you nothing at all apart from the clothes you are wearing.
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13:52
A dearth of intellectual conversation
» To look life in the faceThere is something missing in my life now. It is that of intellectual conversation that I always had while in London. And time and attention generously given to me by good friends always willing to understand. It is not so much that I cannot adapt here, in fact this bunch of international people are really fun to be with. But take Friday for instance, there were the 'ooohs and aaahs' of teasing. Perhaps I am just not used to it after all this time, but surely it isn't that difficult to launch into intellectual conversation rather than place this much emphasis on who's interested in who? Oddly enough I feel like a baby - 23 and at least 2 years younger than my peers. Perhaps there is more to it than meets the eye of their apparent superficiality?
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15:46
Get my act together
» To look life in the faceI've been brought up with the idea that problems which can be solved with money are not really problems after all. Which is why finding a flat in London is to me much easier than finding one here in Switzerland. Coming from a broken family gave me the chance to be who I am today. Problems had to be faced, and though I was an unhappy child I reveled in the luck of having a funded overseas education, a luxury that not many children can afford to have. And because parents have moved on to have their own life, I never had to worry about obligations to 'pay back' what was invested in me.
So it is time to get my act together. After all, I am still very lucky to have come this far. Money matters always hurt, but then money can be used to solve problems. And this time it is no exception. I need to tell myself to be thankful that I have an income at the very least. And that I have this opportunity that money cannot buy. It is time for me to stop thinking about that very daunting five-figure sum, but to think about how I could go about finding that balance between affording what I want and to pay off this immense debt that was not of my doing.
Emotions take time to cool, and cool off they will but I hope not with too much of a loss of respect. In the end, we are all very different people and we cannot expect others to live up to our own expectations especially of ourselves. What I could achieve someone else may not be able to. Like Zheyi said, "Life is beautiful because we fuck up!"
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21:32
Redefinition
» To look life in the faceWe didn't realise this, and we didn't acknowlege this… but did we see it coming? My worst fears have come true… or are they my worst? Or OUR fears? The truth is plain to see - that we are growing apart. And horridly there is nobody to blame but our lifestyles - work, commitment, moving out etc etc… I still speak as if it is my family, and we still behave as if it is our family. But where has the enthusiasm gone? I myself am guilty in this respect, but perhaps because it seemed as if nobody cared.
I can still say without hesitation, "London is my second home." But can I talk about London in the same way three years from now? Do I miss everyone there? I don't think I'd be honest with myself if I said I did dreadfully. Because the truth is, I don't think about London that often. I saw a purpose of my one year in London, and I have prepped myself psychologically for what is to come and what is. Perhaps a little too much, such that I now am glad that I am living on my own. Honestly, I couldn't take living like a student anymore. It is not the people, it is about me having my own space. And the need for that ever slight distance, that reservation between friends, that space when you cool off your emotions after a hard day's work. Because you tend to depend on others when it lasts.
I am not the least bit disappointed, but perhaps confused. What is Qugee to me now? Does it need a redefinition? This certainly doesn't entail a withdrawl, but perhaps there needs to be a redefinition, along with priorities. Perhaps one should start with what Qugee is? What does it mean to each of us? Oddly enough, I'm not panicking, neither am I upset. It seems to me a natural progression towards a cooling off of relations, one that can neither be dealt with because of physical, geographical isolation, nor can be improved because of priorities and commitments.
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12:32
Think Environmental
» To look life in the faceOver summer this year in Singapore, I cleared out my room so it could be let out. After all, who knows when I am going back next, and it surely wouldn't be longer than 2 weeks, less to say return to Singapore for good after four years. Well, that is another debate altogether. Let's focus on this: I was clearing my room and organising my things to those which can be donated, reused, recycled.
In London, there were recycling bins just round the corner from our new apartment. It was easy - you just had to sort out your trash, take it round to the bins and someone would clear it. No superhuman effort, I would say. It is the same here in Switzerland. When I was back in Singapore last year (2006), I was happy to find recycling bins in front of every house in my estate and my dad's housing estate. But this met with a lot of criticism, at least from my parents. My Dad said, gesturing to the row of rubbish bins and recycling bins, 'Are we parading rubbish bins here?'. This year, the recycling bin at home was practically non-existent. It was brought indoors and left standing at a remote corner of our garden. 'They dont' bother coming round anymore, you have to call them,' Mom said in defence when I questioned. So it seems no one uses it at all, so much such that the government gave up. It took a superhuman effort for me just to get a phone number to call for this recycling bin to be emptied, filled with old notes from Junior College. No one knew where I could recycle old clothes and my desktop that has been left cold for 4 years - well, no one except Jacq who's obviously very much involved in the environment circle in Singapore.
I watched in despair as plastic bottles, aluminium cans and paper boxes are thrown carelessly into the rubbish bin. After a year in Qugee fervently recycling, this was most disappointing. Mom even went so far as to say 'I don't care about recycling ok, no one does!' Which met my disapproving remarks obviously. You start to wonder if this is representative of a generation responsible for causing the escalation of the climate problem, the distinctive shrugging off of shoulders, refuting all responsibility. Worse still, a leading politician openly expressed frustration over the problem, claiming there was nothing to be done unless we gave up our current (materialistic) way of life. This was mirrored in my cousins' comments concerning the problem. Singapore is too small to do anything, they say, our efforts will not have any impact. Yet again brushing matters aside. What then is our political significance in South East Asia? I was disappointed about the sheer ignorance and materialism amongst those in my generation. Is life all about pretty clothes, computer games, big cars, expensive gifts and boy-girl relationships? Shouldn't we think about the life of next generations to come? 我ä¸ç¦å“€å£° å¹æ°”!
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23:43
What is it about drinking in London?
» To look life in the faceWe met again after a long year at Juliette's house. There were eight of us at the little Apero: Juliette, Paula, Georgia, Muria, Rossella, her sister Georgiella (?), Pietro and I. And of course we talked about me, about London, about my past one year in London. So what is it about the UK in general that the Swiss find odd?
(1) Teenage girls (and even girls my age) wearing strapless tops and short skirts (without stockings) in the middle of winter, lamenting about the cold. Like WHY do you think it is cold?!
(2) How people go to the pub and get so 'pissed drunk' that you can't even communicate with them. And then they approach senseless topics so much such that you find you're the only one not talking about senseless stuff, which actually makes you feel stupid. And why? Because you're probably still sober and conscious.
(3) So you realise the next day at work that you don't actually know anything about the person you've been talking to the whole night before. It's as if he/she is a completely different person!
(4) And perhaps that's why people in London come to have two completely different personalities, one when they are sober and the other when they are at the pub. Now this addresses the point about a friend I knew from my last lab. Sad, really. Serious and obviously very well-informed about sociology by day, but turn night, he becomes chauvinistic and completely flirty.
(5) Which brings me to this last point about drinking. That people actually feel proud of getting 'pissed drunk'! For example, you might hear them boasting about themselves throwing up all over the pavement and collapsing on the side of the road such that the police have to ensure their friends get them home safely. Shame, shame.
Coming from the UK, I'm amazed and I'm impressed that the Swiss actually know the meaning of drinking in moderation. Meaning you don't lose yourself, that you retain at least a bit of dignity, that you open yourself up but still be reserved. Now when I say that drinking is a form of suffering because you lose consciousness, at least people understand.
I'm glad, I really am! I couldn't be working in a more international environment than this, and I really am beginning to enjoy talking not just during lunch breaks but also at Aperos, when people are sober enough to conduct conversation. Mmmm…
Btw, I've actually found a friend who shares the same interest in piano and classical music! Finally someone who I can talk to like I talk to Princess…
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21:14
The Housing Problem
» To look life in the faceThere it goes again. The last time there were what… 5-7 of us? We had close to 10 viewings and several nightmares. But it was really not that much of trouble for me as I was coped up with lab work.
Yesterday, I got as far as calling a lady and tried conversing in German with her only to know that the apartment is "schon vorbei" = already past, taken. YES, I thought, punching my fists in the air, at least that was ONE! I wasn't that lucky with the second lady, but I could at least understand "Je ne comprehend pas, Madame" = I can't understand you, Maam, in a very sympathetic tone. Well, I did manage to get help with arranging a viewing. But boy, the kitchen was dirty, there weren't any lights at all in the room, and worse, you could see dark patches on the wallpaper even in the dark. I made a polite gesture to tell her I'll call if interested.
I needed to move fast, and I still need to. Just went to view an apartment today, perfect location near the main train station (ideal for travelling), comfortable size, great landlord, window in the kitchen, but you'll still make the entire room smell if you were deep frying calamari. CLEAN. That's important. Well, I'm really the sort who loves cooking and hosting some friends once in a while. But you all know how a chinese kitchen can be. Oily, gritty etc etc. And I'm not willing to give up entirely on asian cuisine. One could say that there're other dishes you could cook that doesn't require much oil. I would like to have an oven too, and there isn't one, there isn't even space for one. There're only two electric hobs. So what now? Everything's perfect with this apartment except for the kitchen. Should I take it?
Unfortunately, that's not for me to decide. Assuming one rules out all housing agencies that require you to have a guarantor, there's still the problem with my contract that is renewed every year. So that means more trouble. And instead of deciding on the spot and signing a contract right away, housing agencies here love to take their time. They allow a month for viewings, and then decide at the end of the month who gets the flat. Pretty much like a bid. You'd sigh. So what happens now then? I should perhaps view flats non-stop then. Well, to start with, I've got two tomorrow. Let's see if it's possible to squeeze in another two the day after tomorrow. At least I'm going to take a break on Thursday evening at 8:30 for Rachmaninov with the Orchestre de la Suisse Romande.
Everyone in the lab tells me their version of the nightmare. Am I prepared for this? Well, I do'nt know how far my patience can take me, but I definitely will have to make do with it.
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0:59
Where I call home
» To look life in the faceSo I've finally arrived in Lausanne. Stumbled off the train with nearly 47kg of baggage and landed on the platform, successfully blocking the way of a huge crowd of people impatiently waiting to get on the train.
I cried much less this time than I did the last - when I was here for an 8-week project. Kamil says it's because I've been emotionally preparing myself for a year. I think what he says is true. The MRes year was for "wrapping up things" in London, and I've been redefining bonds, drawing up boundaries, establishing new friendships, delving into new ideas and projects, rooting myself in beliefs and principles. It's time for a change. There are to now still many questions that I havent' found answers to, questions pertaining to me and my preferences that even I don't know how to go about answering. So I guess these next four years would be for self-realisation.
The one question I probably want to tackle now is this: Am I leaving my life behind to start a brand new life? I am honestly puzzled and I know not the answer. In a way I could see why Kamil suggested so. I do feel it. I am settling in like a student, not much different than I did four years ago. Find an apartment, buy utensils, cutlery, crockery, open a bank account etc etc. I'll have time to do those weekend trips as well. The only catch here, the biggest difference is that I'm doing these all by myself, and I'm not depending on a single person or a student society to help me settle in. I know what has changed, and the reason for this being that I'm taking with me all that I acquired in London, everything I have taken time to polish, painstakingly… everything… The only thing I've left behind is the physical presence of people. I feel, even when alone at night, the warmth of all those close to me across France and the English channel. I dont' dare say that I will not feel lonely, but that feeling hasn't sunk in yet. I hope, I hope it doesn't come.
It was brilliant to see everyone back in the lab again yesterday, and some new faces. The few hours was spent on greeting people and asking after them, and it was vice versa. Then Friedrich said to me, 'Welcome back.' It was just two words, but it made me happy. It made me feel 'at home'. This reality that I am to embrace Lausanne as my home for the next four years is perhaps the most emotionally daunting challenge I've had the past few years. London was not like this, I knew people going with me. Honestly, now when I say 'I'm going back to London in Christmas', I still feel I'm going 'back', but can I say I'm going 'home'? 'Home' is such a strong word to use. It binds people. I can't keep a straight face when I refer to Singapore as 'Home Home'. I find myself unable to rank my 'homes' in order of importance such that one is more 'home' than the other. I'm equally happy going back to London or to Singapore. I still maintain my position that I've got two families - one in London and one in Singapore. And when I'm in London this December, I'll probably say to you, 'I'm going back to Lausanne after the New Year!'
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13:51
London in transition
» To look life in the faceIf you asked me two days ago why I am going back to London, I would have said, "My friends are graduating and I want to be there!"
During a conversation with my Dad two weeks ago, I told him confidently, "I have two homes, one here in Singapore and one in London."
With my Mom, I assured her, "They are like my second family. We are that close."
I am questioning my words now. As with reading a book, I am now taking a step back to assess it. One should not be stagnant. I am moving to a new country soon, and along with it I should take my attachments. Memories are for keepsake, and interactions are dynamic. They do not stay still - they degenerate or improve. It is hardly possible to permanently keep a balance. I awaken to plain facts, that I should no longer take situations as they were before. As with the fall of empires, there is no perfect group dynamics that will last forever.
I myself am still confused over the definiton of QuGee. I should not see it as a group, as a whole, but the individual interactions between people. The absence of communication causes stagnation. Physical absence combined with that of communication causes interactions to stagnate, and depending on the strength of the bonds, they wane over time to varying degrees. Other factors that influence such bonds would be that of personality change.
What is dangerous though is the absence of communication without a physical absence, ie. actions unexplained. Like a vacuum, it creates a force strong enough to suck its surroundings into it just to fill the void. The surroundings of such a vacuum is finite, and when too much is lost to fill the void, everything else caves in. Such is my view of the interactions between people. Patience and vitality is finite. And what is often required to prevent the leeching of such elements that contribute to integrity would be that of other elements such as consideration, sensitivity, honesty and responsibility.
The interactions between two people are built upon such principles. No individual would like to always be in the position to give and be taken from. Even if there are no expectations, one would grow weary. Liken it to the biological definitions of parasitism, commensalism and mutualism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbiosis). After all, human beings are social animals, and in my opinion no state of parasitism and even commensalism will last, commensalism itself being exceptionally fragile in terms of human interactions. To this end, I contribute my view that no individual should see an obligation in maintaining an interaction that is obviously degenerating.
If one should zoom out of the picture and look at the dynamics of a group of people, one should see a network of the interactions between every two people in the group. Factions arise when the bonds between two or more people and the rest of the group have been strained. An ideal group relationship could only exist if each individual treats every other individual equally. Unfortunately, utopian societies do not exist in this world. I myself have been guilty of putting some (or someone) before others, and going as far as to ignore the needs of everyone else I deemed unimportant.
As I've mentioned, it is time to reassess these interactions. One would then know better how to sort out priorities, and since there is a limit to one's energy, it would only make things more efficient.
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19:48
My homeland?
» To look life in the faceBags are packed - I've managed to pack most of my summer clothes for next year. Time flies - I haven't completed the checklist. Switzerland beckons - it's time to plan my settling down there. Everyone asks if I will be back next year. When I say 'I don't know', I certainly mean I don't know. I've emptied out half my room now, including the old desktop that won't boot (Salvation army's going to come down on the 24th). I've kept most of my memorabilia in the plastic box under my desk. No clothes hang in my wardrobe, unlike those past four years.
Somehow I feel I'm moving out - for good. For various reasons, I have a feeling I may not come back to this house again. It is my way of saying 'my absence is not temporary anymore.' Why? I have probably passed a checkpoint, that which allows people like us to return home after graduation. The fact that I stayed on means I am not returning home in the near future. And certainly, apart from my family, there really is no point in me staying here. I am, indeed, officially moving out.
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15:07
Time to myself for myself
» To look life in the faceI think I need another break. I thought I was going to find time for that these few weeks in Singapore. But no, it seems that my life at home is full of expectations and obligations, these which suppress me, suppress my personality. I am lamenting again. I replied Georgie's message today, in which I said in jest that I do not feel Xiao-ish at all. No, that was not in jest, I was serious. I am not joking when I say that I do indeed feel like I'm living in China centuries ago, a merchant's eldest daughter, well-trained to be the woman of a family, coming of age and ready to be wed. What is first exchanged during conversations about me is a list of my achievements that in their opinion show my abilithy to take up the role of young mistress (å°‘ 奶 奶). It kills the soul. I yearn to be back where freedom is, and freedom is not less than a week away…
我è¦åä¼ ç»Ÿ, 但没力气å, æˆ‘çš„æ€§æ ¼æ ¹æœ¬å°±ä¸å¤Ÿåˆšçƒˆ!
所以æ‰é€ƒé¿, 所以æ‰é»˜é»˜çš„å¿ç€…
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9:39
Monsters
» To look life in the faceI am still on the book 'King Leopold's Ghost' by Adam Hochschild. It's taking a little too long for me to finish this. Came across a short excerpt that is so apt today with regards to the situation in Burma:
'The white men who passed through the territory as military officers, steamboat captains, or state or concession company officials generally accepted the use of the chicotte as unthinkingly as hundreds of thousands of other men in uniform would accept their assignments, a half-century later, to staff the Nazi and Soviet concentration camps. "Monsters exist," wrote Primo Levi of his experience at Auschwitz. "But they are too few in number to be truly dangerous. More dangerous are… the functionaries ready to believe and to act without asking questions."
…"To tell the truth," said Franz Strangl of the mass killings that took place when he was commandant of the Nazi death camps of Sobibor and Treblinka, "one did become used to it."
In such a regime, one thing that often helps functionaries "become used to it" is a slight, symbolic distance - irrelevant to the victim - between an official in charge and the physical act of terror itself. That symbolic distance was frequently cited in self-defense by Nazis put on trial after World War II…'
I may be thought of by some as 'biting the hand that feeds me', but it really saddens me to see a country I so highly revered many years ago supporting such a regime, yet denying, even pretending that they condemn it, painting a pretty picture of their role in the international stage.
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8:17
Two very different screenings 4 Oct
» To look life in the faceWent to see the screening of the international version of Expedition Linne at the Botanic Gardens.
http://www.expeditionlinne.se/
And then had a very artistic evening appreciating the highly acclaimed Lee Ang's Se Jie (Lust, Caution) with Mom. As usual they censored it, which is annoying and quite a shame because the sex scenes are essential for character development.
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7:53
A ‘Gigi’-less Day 3 Oct
» To look life in the face'Gigi' = Bahasa Indonesia for tooth (or teeth?)
Met Dad & Mr 'Pakkok' (that's what dad calls him, Mr French uncle) for the StocExpo Asia exhibition. (http://www.stocexpoasia.com/home.shtml) Passed off as a consultant, without a name card. Lots of companies showcasing their products, mainly European with a few local ones, all bits and pieces that were to be involved in building a storage tank for volatile liquids and chemicals. At least I have a better idea now what Daddy does, what his project is about and what is really involved in building a storage tank that really isn't just a huge container. Let's see… there's the monitoring systems, the Vapour Recovery systems, Vapour combustion systems, floating roofs, water treatment etc. etc. It was like shopping. A Dutch company dealing with water treatment made a really sexist joke about it being a man's business. That guy reminded me of Bobby. :D
Then went for the dreaded wisdom tooth extraction at Gleneagles. The dentist recommended I snip off the left side of my mouth that was healed over in the 2002 virus infection (the right side having been torn whilst I was enjoying a baguette in Lausanne last year). 'We won't charge you for this, you want or not? Otherwise ah, food will get stuck here and then BACTERIA will grow…' at which point I said 'okay okay, just snip it off'
I now have effectively a paralysed left mouth.
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10:50
A Singaporean wedding
» To look life in the faceWell, I've mentioned a few posts ago that I was informed I was to be bridesmaid (+ ringbearer) a few hours before my return back to Singapore. I have subsequently half-lamented my plight albeit jokingly to you guys, me and my refusal to believe in all that talk about the holy sanctity of marriage added to my very stubborn views on religion only convinced me that I was far from being the right person for the job.
I have to say, though, now that the whole event is over, that it was indeed enjoyable but tiring. I was once again obsessed with ensuring that everything went according to plan. Gosh, that Obsession, even at such a joyous occasion! So let me recall now how a traditional chinese/catholic wedding should be like…
First, there was a church rehearsal a week before the wedding. I was supposed to be leading the procession into the chapel, but then they rearranged for Glady's sister, Grace, to lead with the Unity Candle (A candle that the couple will light together) since she was going to be back in Singapore just for the wedding. I have quite forgotten what the title of the wedding march was, but it wasn't the cliche one. Maizy, the wedding planner was a very efficient woman indeed, planning the details of the wedding down to the last five minutes! Anyway, everyone gathered in a circle at the end of the church rehearsal to say a prayer, to which I really couldn't bring myself to join, but found too rude to refuse.
Then there were the 'biscuit rounds', a chinese tradition of giving out traditional chinese wedding biscuits (round, red biscuits with lotus seed paste filling Mmm) to close relatives (priority given to families of men of the extended family). Many people have sought to use fruit cakes in recent times, but Gladys chose to do it the traditional way since the fruit cake is now used too often. Never a day of the wedding preparation or the wedding itself passes without mention of me and my potential cheese rounds or timepiece rounds if I ever do marry a Swiss 'fondue maker' or watchmaker. To which, I never fail to chip in a word or two about diamonds on the timepieces hehehe…
There was of course a hen's night, after which the bride-to-be turned up ill the next afternoon for lunch. 29th September was the first day of the wedding celebrations. Ahh, I was very disciplined and arrived at 7am sharp at my cousin's front door, bringing with me 一 副 å¯¹è” (chinese calligraphy) kindly written by Mom to hang outside their door.
" 花 好 月 為 圓, ç´ èˆ‡ ç‘Ÿ 亦 éœ"
The bride was up early and the makeup artist had already called. After almost two hours of preparation, we (jasmine and I) helped the bride into her gown, battling with the can-can and the neverending train of satin. Later by 10 when the house was teeming with relatives, I saw the biggest congregation of SIA pilots (James is a pilot) in my life, outside the gate, ready for the 'tekan (to beat or hit, but is most commonly used to describe being abused or scolded) session'. The poor things had to brave the heat, facing the many challenges set by the 'sisters' on this side of the gate, just to 'steal the bride', a cantonese tradition that's now widely practised. They even had to eat wasabi bread, drink pure lime juice and even wear adult diapers!
When that was done, we then headed off to church, us (bridesmaids, bride and bride's father) being the last to leave. Then of course was the wedding march, singing hymns, exchanging of vows and prayers that I once again couldn't bring myself to say. After the wedding reception which was more like a photo-taking session, was then the tea ceremony at James' house and then Glady's place. The couple had to go through the ritual of first having a traditional dessert, serving tea to all those older than them in the family (of course men first, parents first) and then being served tea by those younger than them. They were also to receive gifts of jewellery and ang baos (red packets) from seniors, or give ang baos to those younger than them. Totally knackered by the end of the day!
The next day saw me nursing my throat and nose before the dinner. There wasn't enough time to eat and the emcees, performers and the bridal party were pretty much coped up with following a schedule. Instead of the table rounds of 'yum seng!' (gan1 bei1), there were table photos. Good for me because I don't drink. I guess the most interesting event of the night was a discussion with one of the pilots about female pilots.
It certainly wasn't a mundane two days, but if you'd ask me, there's been so much rigorous planning involved in this ceremony (and perhaps most others) that it's a ritual. Added to that, the obligations attached when you have a traditional ceremony, planned by enthusiastic senior members of the family - how can one actually enjoy the process of getting married?
Photographer: Is everyone standing with their family? (pointed at me & my 2nd uncle) Are you with them?
(family members looking around, fingers pointing)
Xiao: Oh, it really doesn't matter to me where I stand.
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20:39
Gender again
» To look life in the faceAlluding to Virginia Wolf in A Room of One’s Own, Alida Brill states that the
mirror women have so long held up to men—a mirror that exaggerates and
flatters male attributes—has increasingly projected a more realistic image since
women’s entry into public life. However, she cautions, many men resent these
newer projections and therefore fight against them.21 Some argue that in many
cases, women politicians have become “just like other men” in their attitudes—
usually meaning aggressive, manipulative, unfair or any of a number of pejorative
adjectives. Others contend that many women in public life have studiously avoided
taking up issues particularly (but by no means only) relevant to women’s welfare
or interests. Brill therefore asks again: “Is there a woman’s voice in politics
which is unique? Does it really make a difference that women have achieved
political office? Would it be just as good if there were more men in politics
world-wide who were sympathetic to the women’s agenda?”- UNDP (2000) Women's Political Participation and Good Governance: 21st Century Challenges. In: Beijing + 5: Women's Political Participation: Review of Strategies and Trends.
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19:40
Everyday Things on Mid Autumn Festival
» To look life in the faceIt's mid-autumn festival today! And I did not have mooncakes, but what I had was chese fondue moitie moitie. :) *Mmm* I obviously bought too much cheese though, there were five of us and I had bought a portion for four. But I found myself eating alone towards the end, and there was still half a pot full of cheese. Ok, didn't factor in the asian diet!
Went around Little India today with JGL, for the first time in my life! It is almost embarassing to say that I was brought up as a Singaporean, went to government schools all my life. I suddenly feel I am quite uneducated about my own country! What struck me most was that despite mildly racist comments I have been hearing from my (extended) family all my life, it surely didn't make me feel that way today at Little India. We were more than welcome.
I shall blog about it another time, after MBTI and Chinatown. Things have just been too busy recently and I am facing a deadline for this friday. Yes, another commitment. And I've been scouring touristy places for postcards to send, but haven't found any particularly interesting. Perhaps some of Jacq's photos would do… hehehehe!
Been chatting with my mom again tonight on the car, discussing relationships. I'm grateful that these past few months of my life have been peaceful but not bland. I want this feeling to carry on. But of course, I had my fair share of heart-breaking moments almost a year ago now. It takes a long time for the soul to recover from such ill-treatment. All three of us in this house are at different phases in how we deal with relationships, and of course our ideals are different too. It is good to know that I have finally reached the end in my search for the answer as to what constitutes a healthy relationship & what my ideal partner should be like. Needless to say, it goes beyond 'blond-haired, glasses'… :D
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19:45
Frustration
» To look life in the faceIt's one of those evenings when I'm alone in my room, music playing in the background, feeling dejected again. What about this time? Probably that sense of loss, that things around me are so wrong and yet there is nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do to help it get better except maybe to leave. Why have I just committed myself to something that binds me to home again? The mere FRUSTRATION!
Why do people fuss about their weddings? So much such that it becomes a chore just organising it? What are people thinking behind that facade they are presenting? What's wrong with being on 'mama-papa scholarship'? Why can't a primary school teacher watch her words? Why do people take grudges? Why do people judge based on solely academic results? Why are people obsessed with money? How can one lead a life that revolves only around restaurants, pubs, the office, shopping centres and the cinema? How can men go about their lives just playing computer games? Why does our state condone a double-standard pay scheme? How can a people not speak up against injustice?
Once again I had to defy convention to do what I want. Sure enough, people in THIS society wouldn't understand, they wouldn't see the point unless you get 'somewhere', when your actions speak for themselves, literally screaming 'shut up'! And then people approach from the other angle, with all their bootlicking. Oh enough with the boasting, I want to be just myself, just another person in this state, doing something that seems meaningful to me. Enough with the boasting, my credentials are mine and they haven't got anythign to do with you no matter the 'family ties'!
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18:57
Worklife balance
» To look life in the faceFrom AWARE's CEDAW oral statement:
"Incentives are inadequate (see Article 11, page 71; points 11.38-11.41) for flexible work arrangements to become a norm. Absence of policies at the National level - for example on provisions for unpaid paternal leave or across-board paternity leave – only serve to entrench the ‘men as heads of household’ stereotype."
Kudos, Germany! If not for the high taxes, I would seriously consider moving there.
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18:50
The beginning
» To look life in the faceThe beginning. Kai1 shi3. Hoi chi. Das Anfang.
I will start tomorrow, probably 'training' to promote the society for the Tunnel Party on Saturday. Received an email today from M as well, Manager for Corporate Administration at the society.
Having been a city girl all my life, born and bred as a middle-class citizen of my country, most of the 'gender equity' issues I have faced so far don't go beyond 'who does the housework' and 'who pays for dinner'. Finally, I may be able to find the answers that I have been looking for all my life. Starting tomorrow.
Just a side note, JGL and I were sitting under a coconut tree today outside Ngee Ann City. A boy not older than 16 came up to us asking for a donation. After giving him money with some hesitation, he asked us, "Are you from Sg? Because I hear your accent…"
Dearest red passport, I'm afraid I am 'sort of' from here…
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19:57
The void
» To look life in the faceJust came back from Karaoke with my ex-colleagues. Have I been away so long? I couldn't even find my way to Orchard Road from City Hall today. The clothes I left in my wardrobe 4 years ago have gone mouldy. I couldn't recognise any songs at the Karaoke lounge. Even my softball glove has gone mouldy… And looking at the soft toys I played with years ago, I realised there will come a day when everything will fall apart.
Four years of absence will be topped with another four years. My accent has changed, and it's so difficult to speak Singlish again. I have an urge to speak cantonese all the time. I'm seeing frowns. People are telling me I won't be coming back after all. It's stifling. I want to cycle, but the only place to do that is East Coast Park. I need some time alone, or time with someone I can relate to.
Perhaps it's been the past year especially, after the departure of two people who have always tied me to home emotionally and psychologically. I have shrugged off my reigns, and I feel that I might have wandered too far. So far that I wish I hadn't been so ambitious, that I wish I were 'one of them', 'normal' like everyone else.
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6:45
(Young) Adult Third Culture Kids
» To look life in the faceInteresting article that Jacq showed me:
http://www.talfryn.net/2007/05/31/yatck/
It's the YATCK syndrome! *gasp*
*To look up Pollock & van Reken*
Mission for today is to buy mooncakes & to look for a salon where I can have a haircut for SGD40. :)
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6:23
Adjusting
» To look life in the facePerhaps this is what one calls an identity crisis? I've been back for two days now and I'm having a culture shock… It's probably to do with my cousin's wedding.
So as I said, I've been made bridesmaid and ring bearer. Went down to Grandma's place yesterday and had dinner with Dad and all three aunts (they're all in their 50s - 60s). It's just odd… it's not that I want to be vengeful or that I still have 'attachments', but somehow it's hard to believe their change in attitude, a warmth that seems to reach a climax every time I return. I think it's to do with a very complex mindset of a typical immigrant chinese population. At least I am able now to converse comfortably in cantonese - it helps. Looking at them discuss the formalities of my cousin's wedding though, I get more convinced by the minute about my distaste for such planned 'happy' events, thoughts that I kept to myself at the dinner table, of course.
Will I return eventually? Dad was obviously hoping that I'd do so. The very first words he uttered when we met, apart from talk about Grandma, was that there are now 'so many opportunities' for overseas graduates here. To do what? To do what they want us to do? What now about the GST hike, the increase in transport fares, 'competitive' salaries and benefits? Gosh, imagine a 4% increase in GST over the past four years! Things are much more expensive that I imagined them to be, my imagination being the country I remembered four years ago, and this is not reflected in our payrise. Now they say, the opening of the Venetian Macau Resort Hotel will pose a problem. And let's not speak of my political views, even I am confused by them. How can I return?
I am now beginning to see my country and its people in a different light, literally and metaphorically. Just cannot put a finger to it exactly though, things are changing and so are my views. I'll take a day to walk, just walk and take photos. Saw an article this morning in the papers about our people overseas, 'sticking together', for social comfort, for political networking and for the lack of curiosity of their surroundings. Couldn't help but identify with it. Will I be what we call here a 'second-class' citizen in another country?
Oddly enough, it is at home where I feel most comfortable with my thoughts. Even though Mom is now occupied with other people, we still have the time to discuss our views on many issues, some differing. I realise, for example, that I am very conservative in my taste for music. Over breakfast though was the question of 'xiu1 shen1 yang3 xing4' and the thirst (ke3 wang4) for it. Need to do something about chinese characters on this comp.
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17:16
6 hours and counting…
» To look life in the faceClothes packed, room almost vacated. Typing up recipes I may want to try out now, filling in dates in my diary.
AND
Coming to terms with the latest news received very early this morning, about 9am SG time:
I'm going to be a BRIDESMAID. Not only that, I am going to be RING BEARER as well…
I think I asked for it this time. Perhaps it will be useful if I psyche myself to believe in the idea of 'marriage' between now and the 29th. And I'll have to start practising that smile. *smile!*
Still trying to come to terms with this 6 hours before flying. I expect it to be a very interesting holiday indeed…
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19:24
Taking the first step (and other things)
» To look life in the faceWhen was the last time I volunteered? 5 years ago, for Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA), simply because my friends volunteered there. (I have generally no patience for animals) That wasn't exactly volunteering, btw, it was called 'community service', because to earn points for Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) for entry into University, you had to do 'community service'. And you scored your full five points if you did 80 hrs of 'community service'. It had to be done.
So when I woke up this morning remembering what I stayed up for last night, I had quite a shock. I had taken 2 hours to draft an email and sent it to AWARE (Association of Women for Action and REsearch). Well, as Jacq said, there is never 'too short' a time to volunteer. I'm actually doing something I WANT to do, something that is meaningful to me. Women of the world, here I come!
Still waiting for more MBTI results at present, though I had a think about it again today after reading A's reply, re-reading Wiki's article on MBTI, and finally retaking the test. No, I'm not going to write a whole thesis on it, and as you scientists know it is not good practice to use Wiki as reference, less to say your ONLY reference! In a nutshell, I've been reviewing myself and I think I'm more of an ISTJ than an INTJ, for reasons I will discuss in my next post on MBTI which I'll prob write tomorrow or when I get back to Singapore. But first, Sun, if you're reading this, can you tell me which you think I am? Princess, if you've got time as well, try it out!
Off to have Tapas…
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2:52
Follow the signs
» To look life in the faceGot my results yesterday, as well as a call from the Swiss embassy almost at the same time. It is time to leave London, it is time to move on to the next phase of my life.
It is to me almost like a rock star who's retiring at the height of his career. Everything here has ended on a high note for me. I used to believe so strongly that there must be some reason why I'm going to Switzerland. Yes of course I still believe that, only that I actually forgot there was an even more obvious reason why I came back to London to do this MRes degree! I could have started in Switzerland long ago. But yes, I came back, not just to get my Masters degree, I came back to gain my confidence. And now I have it, together with such lovely experiences over the past year, and it is now time to leave.
And perhaps now is the time I face my past in Singapore as well. Globalisation in the form of facebook has dug up some old contacts. Time to face them as well.
This reluctance to leave… it's not that I dont' want to leave. I WANT to go to Lausanne, I am unafraid of what lies ahead. And I know it is the time to leave. It is just my reluctance to leave the memories behind. Still, heed the signs. It is time.
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0:56
Enigma
» To look life in the faceDo we keep changing or do we grow to become more of who we are?
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20:34
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
» To look life in the faceJust took a test after looking at Kamil and Jacq's blogs. I'm an INTJ:
"INTJs are introspective, analytical, determined persons with natural leadership ability. Being reserved, they prefer to stay in the background while leading. Strategic, knowledgable and adaptable, INTJs are talented in bringing ideas from conception to reality. They expect perfection from themselves as well as others and are comfortable with the leadership of another so long as they are competent. INTJs can also be described as decisive, open-minded, self-confident, attentive, theoretical and pragmatic."
Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging
Same as Jacq, but I feel Jacq is a much stronger INTJ than I am. But looking at my new self though, the self I have rediscovered gradually these past few months, I am turning more and more into what is being described here…
Wiki, TypeLogic, Personality Page
I agree very strongly with some aspects of the INTJ character, particularly in the pursuit of perfectionism for myself and for those closest to me, particularly in a partner to the point of being demanding. Also the lack of sensitivity, and my intolerance towards inefficiency. Relationships wise, it is true about spending a great deal of time and effort and in the willingness to "work at" a relationship. What I didn't adopt though, was the ability to leave a relationship that isn't working, although I'll probably do that without hesitation from now on. Sun said though, right at the start in early December that I would move on and recover very well which I have, and how Sun could tell my type I don't know still, and I'm amazed! How did you do it?!
Other things include not recognising authority based on tradition, rank and title, and also being naturally comfortable with close friends, but trying to be more sociable because it is "useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality."
But what happens to the emotions? Do we find an outlet? I usually let them out in the form of writing or music. Doesn't say though in the MBTI.
The INTJ type usually associates with other NT and NF types. Will be interesting to know about your type, whoever's reading this, and also those of my closest girl friends. Don't mean to be sexist, I'm just curious!
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3:23
Poole 24th-26th Aug
» To look life in the faceArrived at Poole on Friday before Terry left work, found my way towards the Quay. Here's the oldest building in Poole, just next to the Tourist information centre:
which is next to the Quay…
And then I met Te Te after he knocked off…
had a couple of drinks with his colleagues (mostly mathematicians) along High Street, and headed off for dinner at The Slug and Lettuce, great food, before a nice (and long) walk home. We saw a porcupine on the road. The poor thing was much afraid, but the motorists stopped their cars and a very kind motorcyclist came to save it. Last I heard from Te Te, it was run over by a car though, yesterday…
We had a nice headstart on the second day, Te Te having calculated the time exactly for us to take the train to Bournemouth. Little did we expect that we'd be held up by the Lifting Bridge…
So we were stranded for a full half hour and were just able to catch the next train to Bournemouth to meet YGG and YSS…
(I look like my mom in this picture!)
We had lunch near the beach…
before heading for the city center to stop by for coffee…
then we walked the beach for almost 4 hours…
and we saw some very determined people shovelling sand…
and a very cute dog…
and we carried on walking…
until it was almost sunset…
and we finally put on our shoes…
and took a bus back to Poole
where I showed off my uneven tan over dinner…
That was one very tiring day indeed! The next day saw us lazing around until noon where we took a ferry to Brownsea island…
I can imagine Te Te arriving at Brownsea in a suit! He must have look really out of place! The scouts are having their centenary year celebrations, and Brownsea Island plays a huge part in Scouts history. We met an elderly couple at the docks before boarding the ferry, and they needed help with translation. Livia didn't hesitate a single second to help. They were chinese doctors who have been working in Bath for four years now. Embarrassed to say they were as active as us, if not better!
they actually make soup with this…
And that's about the end of our trip down south. We went back to Poole just in time to catch our transport back to London (train/ coach). So it will be another two weeks before seeing Te Te again!
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13:50
Osterley Park picnic 18th Aug
» To look life in the faceTerry leading the way (and orientating Cent Cent) with the GPS system on his Nokia N95
So we finally see Cent Cent
There was a Farm Shop near the entrance to the Park
where they sold very affordable, cheap produce grown on the farm!
We carried on walking along the driveway until we saw Osterley House in the distance
and we realised it's a good thing that Terry didn't bring extra bread…
The guys in front of the neo-classical Osterley House
We entered the picnic area and found several logs along the bank of the river
So we sat down and ate our lunch - a scrumptious M & S picnic meal
YSS found some blackberries on the way back. Actually, she plucked them and then threw them in the soil later, claiming her role in its life cycle…
And we ended the day with some hot tea and cake (for me) at the stables-turned-cafe. It was here that YGG fell asleep and drooled over his MS Trading notes…
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1:22
Overdose + surge of feelings
» To look life in the faceU2's One keeps playing in my head… not the entire song, just 'One love one life…' just those two words.
After reading Kamil's blog, after crying, I thought I'd better just write this now, while having this surge of emotions. Too many emotions that I just want to scream. Indeed, it I were standing somewhere in the Jura mountains now, overlooking Lac Leman, I would. I would scream until I lost my voice.
I only wanted to read Paulo Coelho's 'Veronika decides to die' because I was curious. That's after reading Ma Tang's 'Given a chick at 18' that superbly describes the sexual desires of an 18-year-old chinese boy. Amazing, almost like Lolita, except that Mr. Humboldt is younger.
So I thought I'd read Veronika decides to die for a change. Something philosophical, something heavier, something that would make me think. And now I'm thinking too much. Well, the one thing I did immediately was to (like Veronika did) play the piano. It felt different, letting out all my emotions into Clair de Lune, letting my fingers roam over the keys, unbridled. It felt so original, so me. Yet we all know that Clair de Lune is an impressionist piece, hints shoudl be subtle, emotions should not be glaringly obvious. I shall look for Beethoven's Sonata No. 8. And I shall perhaps look for second hand pianos in Lausanne.
I had only wanted to read Veronika decides to die out of curiosity, becuase it was sitting on our shelf. I had only wanted my daily dosage of morals. But what did I see on the second page just as I was immersed into the story? 'Where is Slovenia?' - Why this line at this time? Why Ljubljana, Frances Preseren, Preseren Square, Ljubljana castle? Why all this talk about doing things that we would not normally dare to do just because we are afraid of the past, the future, just because we are afraid to be deemed different? Now Slovenia would be to me a reminder to live life the way I want it, to live life like it will be my last day so I have nothing to lose, and it is all because of a book and a Slovene, both having inspired me to do so. How much of a coincidence is that?
Veronika was told she only had a few days to live. Now my days in London are numbered. Do I dare do what I never did? Or perhaps this: Veronika had been this close to dying and she was then given another chance to live, which she did not waste. I was given a chance to start anew when I came to London. Did I waste it? Almost, but no, not entirely. Qugee is a godsend. Now I am given the chance to start anew again. Will I waste it? Certainly not. But then here I am, having looked at Kamil's blog, having cried. I think I am scared. Kamil has been there and back again. "The past will be what's normal again", but Kamil, you have found yourself! I am afraid I will lose myself… "I think when you are trying too hard to project your happiness through others, you start to loose yourself because you are always changing to adapt to the way people see things." I am afraid that this will be what happens to me. I wasn't strong enough one year ago. I dont' know if I am now, because sometimes I feel that I am, but not always. And this very minute I am afraid. But being strong is not about being indifferent to things, it is about daring to do things. Will I dare? Or will I sink into the convenience of companionship like I did, that turned out to be disastrous?
So I have now another chance to live. I should look across the English Channel to London, across the Alps to Slovenia as a constant reminder to live as I want to. And in my last days here in London, do what I have never done and never have dared to do. Dare to live. Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. Learn to let go of the bad memories, and be not attached to the good times as well. Because that is all I have - one life.
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23:59
Overdose
» To look life in the faceI'm having an overdose of ideas, of things I want to talk about. It's after reading 'Veronika decides to die'. Will comment when I actually have the strength to sit and think about it. For now, I really should finish that email to Aine.
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14:52
What is music?
» To look life in the faceWhat is music?
No matter how many times people tell you stories about what music means, forget them. Music is never about anything. Music just is. Music is notes, beautiful notes and sounds put together in such a way that we get pleasure out of listening to them, that's all there is to it. And when we ask "what does it mean, what does this piece of music mean" then we are asking a very hard question.
- Leonard Bernstein, conductor & composer
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21:53
Enigmas
» To look life in the faceI don't understand why people place so much emphasis on exam results. In this time, it is just as ridiculous to judge a student based on exams results as it is defining heroism by the amount of food one consumes.
I also don't understand why some very talented and educated people do not use their gifts for any useful means. These are usually spent on chatting up girls (kao lui) rather than helping people in need or benefiting society in any way.
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19:08
In Honour of them Photographers - 12 Aug
» To look life in the faceMy quest to fill time brought me to the gates of the National Portrait Gallery today. The exhibition “Daily Encounters” was on, that depicts the rise of press photography in Britain from 1904 to 1986. It sure is astounding how we take for granted the pictures we see in the newspapers everyday. They tell us more than what is said in newspaper articles – they let us relate to the story. And the same should be said about photos we see in magazines. Even a single solitary photo has a story to tell – what then does the photographer want us to see?
A couple of things that caught my attention today:
1) 'In those early days, the press photographer was regarded as an animal almost beneath contempt' – Hannen Swaffer, introduction to James Jarche, People I Have Shot. (Almost as if photography was considered inferior to writing)
2) A photo of a newspaper boy with a Titanic headline on 16th April 1912, London.
3) During the Second World War, photos were censored by the Picture Censorship Department of the Ministry of Information. These included images depicting the destruction of British cities by German bombs, and images of British soldiers behind the lines. Frustrated, a newspaper published several blacked-out pictures with captions suggesting what they should have shown, together with one single photo of those working in the censorship department, attributing the publication of those photos to “these people”.
4) To overcome the problem above, photographer Fred Morley persuaded his assistant to dress as a milkman doing his rounds amidst a war-torn street. The censors were satisfied as it kept spirits high.
5) There was even a photo of Singapore's then PM Lee in 1965 playing golf with his son (and subsequently missing), alongside then Labour PM Harold Wilson on holiday in the Isles of Scilly. The title of the article seemed to suggest the need of a holiday for effective government. (I have forgotten the exact wording)
I am of the opinion that when the skills of a photographer reaches a certain level, of course with a trained eye, what differentiates him/her from the rest would be the depth of character. Just like an artist with a story to tell, a photographer skilfully picks a scene that depicts most the message he/she wants to bring across. The more attentive a photographer is to issues surrounding him/her, the better a story he/she has to tell.
I know there are at least two of you photographers out there who will be reading this post. What say you?
Sun Aug 12, 12:09am
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19:05
Reflections by the Moonlight - 11 Aug
» To look life in the faceMmm… I think I have misjudged once again. Or actually, not. I have seen it right from the start – the two faces of the man. By day, he talks about books, art, literature, photography and science. By night, he is an unbridled hedonist, fallen under the spell of alcohol. Or perhaps I am too much of a puritan? The only subjects that I can seem to talk about these days are klassiche musik, Dali, human rights, women's rights and whatever you see in the news. That is, apart from the usual 'So when are you going to Switzerland?' I remind myself not to question my character. There is nothing wrong with me, only that I am not the wild sort. One settles down eventually and follows the middle way. Sure, I like the occasional jokes that border on sexuality, but I couldn't talk about that all the time.
I am still not quite sure about what I want to do after my PhD. But if asked again if this is what I want to do, I would say yes. Is one ever certain about the aspirations of one's entire life? Not for me. I only ever plan a few years in advance, perhaps two or three. At present, I want to do a PhD, although what I will do with that afterwards I have no clue. I know that I love Berlin and I would like to live there, to work or to continue research as a postdoc. But that is uncertain. That would depend on what I find in Switzerland. But of course, if one asks what plans I have for Switzerland, they are apart from my PhD 1) Learn French to conversational level, 2) Volunteer for an NGO – either human rights or environment, 3) Learn the Cello, 4) Brush up on German to conversational level. Will that be too much for me to take? I seriously doubt so if I manage my time well and most importantly that I do not end up making the same mistake as I did when I escaped from Singapore to London.
Am I to find an answer to (my) life in Switzerland? Perhaps. I am a strong believer in fate – it has taken me thus far and it will take me further. Just live life squeezing every single drop out of it as I can. Already fate has proven that it was meant to be for me to come back to London for this Masters degree. I could have started my PhD without coming back. But circumstances had it that I to return, simply because it is compulsory to be holding a Masters degree before being eligible for a PhD in continental Europe. And this past year has seen many happenings. For one, my take on relationships have changed dramatically. Sun diagnosed me with 'emotional projections'. On this matter, I cannot tell you more what QuGee means to me. In my latest acknowledgments, “…Finally, I would like to show my appreciation to everyone in QuGee for helping me find my place here today.” And I mean it, because QuGee has helped me fill that last void, and encouragement from Sun to write more. Yes, write more and make more music! If I have too many emotions, I need to release them somewhere. Even now as I am nearing the end of my stay in London, I am learning. I have realised how lucky I am to be me, how lucky that I have the parents I have, how selfless they are. I have come to terms finally with what I have run away from in Singapore four years ago. And just now, I am realising how much I have depended on QuGee as my only social circle and that I need to widen it. Be brave, I say to myself, for you have to live independently from now on. Although, I have to say that it is not 'moving on'. These two words cannot be used in this context. They can only be used on the one person I have said goodbye to this past year, but they will not and shall never be used on QuGee. My QuGee will always be around, near in spirit, I will always be loved by them. It is just physically impossible to be together, but we will always be linked by that special bond. I have never been this close to anyone, less to say any group of friends in my life - nobody can replace them. In a nutshell, I have found myself by coming back to London. I have found myself and this has given me strength to start a new life in Switzerland, this has also given me strength to hang on to what I have in London that I promise I will never let go.
ZJ ever said to me that everything changes, that the only thing that remains constant is change. I wonder at that – how true those words are! And this next bit are my words – change is a force so disproportionately strong that makes man succumb. One of the most basic needs of man, apart from food, water and shelter, is companionship. Because human beings are social animals. We need company. Society pressures us to find company. But we, being the brainy creatures that we are, set standards for ourselves and for our companions. (Those selfish set standards for their companions and not for themselves.) And we know that once these standards are not met, we can potentially pay the price emotionally. So it is essential to uphold those standards. Therefore, lowering these standards and succumbing to loneliness is one of the biggest weaknesses of man. And it cannot show more by a change of environment. I have done it once, almost four years ago now. I have lost a lot, but I have gained a whole load more than that. I have seen two people going to Japan, one succumbing to that almost immediately and perhaps only falling forever, and the second who I have ultimate respect for, who has picked himself up again and again and who will soon return a much stronger man. So I brace myself now. I need to set standards. And I have an advantage because I know literally what lies ahead of me across those Jura mountains – the people, the culture, the place. So I set standards and I will need to check myself for a period of time until I finally settle in. I cannot afford to fall with what I have learned here from QuGee. I will be strong, and I will finally do what I want to do. A few weeks ago I told A “…I have only just learned to enjoy life this year!” Oh how true these words are and how they ring in my ears again and again! So let this be a reminder to myself.
And let this be a reminder to myself not to lower my standards. For myself, for those around me, and for any potential companions. I was posed with a question a few weeks ago “… if you could have accepted B then, why can't you accept xx?” Which shocked me to the core. As T said, it is a complete waste of time and energy to enter into a relationship where one cannot possibly see a future. And I know I am tired of these emotional upheavals. So let it be a reminder to me, in my reflections, under the moonlight of a midsummers night.
11 Aug, Sat, 2:08am
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18:48
Summer of ‘07 - 9 Aug
» To look life in the faceThe summer of 2007, my last summer in London before I embark on my PhD degree in Lausanne. I am 23 now, recovering from a year of never-ending research projects, rebounded from three years of emotional suppression, only just revamped my wardrobe with clothes a size bigger, and enjoying every single bit of life. Alas! It is to be my last summer here. Due to circumstances (the course schedule) I am to stay here for three weeks before my final two vivas. Forced to take a break then, and for once stop and observe in detail everything around me. The colours, the music, the air. And write those letters that have waited too long. I will remember, besides throwing back the windows to welcome the fresh morning air and the early sunshine across Hyde Park, how it feels running through abundant, surging emotions and penning them down, nibbling on fresh fruit. I have been working on Debussy's Clair de Lune, and have managed to just stitch together all the parts today. And ran through it once in front of him, creating discordant music. In the setting sun we sat on an empty bench beneath the Queen's Tower, a gentle breeze blowing, savouring our biscuits - Wife's biscuits. How this can be compared with any experience in Lausanne by the lake with someone else in the summer I don't know. Because there are six elements – heaven, time, place, luck, people, harmony. One cannot recreate an experience because one of them is bound to change. But what I treasure most is the company, and what I wish for is only to have the same company in a different but similar setting.
9 Aug, 12:24 am
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18:45
A Secret Garden - 8 Aug
» To look life in the face
A secret garden I call my own
Where I sow the seeds of memory
With flowerbeds never empty
And trimmed bushes of Evergreen
A pond of water lilies cradled within
Above which Venus hovers sereneA secret garden I call my own
Which hides away the disarray
Of stinging nettles and ailing shrubs
That threaten the mirage of love within
They lie beyond the stoic façade
Of solemn hedges of EvergreenA secret garden I call my own
That heeds the tempest summoned on me
To create a ripple of damage unjust
That one could see if more than glance
Of fallen petals and naked twigs
And burning shrubs that lie withinA secret garden I call my own
In June again the roses bloom
To mask the twisted growth beneath
And Venus grey and over-grieved
In praise again the deed is done
A seed is sown, a worthy one
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18:10
Planning the next three weeks
» To look life in the faceReport - written, printed, bound, handed in - YAY!
Just gave my presentation today, was third on the list at 11:40am. And then got restless as the afternoon wore by. I realise I need to clear my desk like NOW, but there are just too many things to carry! Perhaps it'll be better getting useful now, because there's just nothing to do. Expected my coursemates to do something, but people just got tired and left. Same for the lab. It's just a bad day, really…
So I'll think about something. I was quite surprised to see Bernard Lamb turn up at my presentation (personal tutor for undergraduate degree), but I was prepared and I was quite happy actually! Someone remembered! Yay! Hahahahhaa… Just had a chat with him, and it seems he'll be in Singapore for a few days from 20th of August. Oh how I wish I can go back NOW! Well, it'll probably be lots of travelling around UK for me for the next three weeks. Just borrowed a catalogue for Historic Houses and Gardens from Lamb. That should give me some ideas.
And I'll get fit, I'll play the piano, I'll read lots of books (chinese and english), I'll brush up on German, try to learn some french, and of course, start on the QuGee chronicles!!! Hahaha… so anyway, lots to do and lots of time to do it. Occupying myself would be good, better than sitting around and wondering about emotional times.
Yes… emotional times…
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22:18
The misery of fate
» To look life in the faceTwo people go to school together.
He boards the bus everyday at the junction. She boards the bus one stop later. It takes 15 mins to wind around town before the bus gets onto the highway. And then it takes a full half hour before it reaches school from there. Sometimes it takes longer than that if the traffic lights are faulty. For two months they stand next to each other, not talking, only concerned with keeping their balance in the crowded bus. Then a smile. Then a laugh as a sudden halt brings the passengers falling into each other like dominos. A friendship builds based on a common routine life they both share. And as often the case when a certain situation forces two people to have such close contact, two people with similar ideals and complementing personalities, love develops. So innocent, so unguarded, so unexpected to them that it is not realised until two years later when the reality of graduation dawns upon them. Guided by ambition, she makes up her mind to leave. She shares her plans with him and he remains silent. Silent at first, and then he teases, jokes that she should stay. Asks that she stay, and she challenges him, "Why should I?" And he remains silent, but good-natured. The days are numbered, but still he dares not speak. Until the day when she leaves, and the last thing she sees is a message from him, a message that has taken too long… and is now too late.
Two people go to school together.
She enters the lift, her pace unhurried. And just as the doors were closing, he rushes in. She recognises him, because he sits next to her. He smiles and introduces himself confidently. There is time for making friends in a period of twelve weeks. And coincidence proves to be a phenomenon that is deliberated upon over lunch. A friendship builds based on common friends and common experiences. And as often the case when a certain situation forces two people to have such close contact, two people with similar interests but from different backgrounds, friendship develops, and an admiration that is one-sided. So obvious, so guarded as she awaits the end of her days and the reality of graduation dawns upon her again. Driven by adventure, she remembers her decision to leave. She remembers those days four years ago when love did wait. And now she cries for letting it slip away. For love is only a privilege, a privilege not granted upon wanderers like her who lets it slip away.
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14:54
Random Thoughts (2)
» To look life in the faceI need more discipline to update my blog regularly. It's just… it's been very busy lately, the QuGee headquarters has now moved to Lancaster Gate (And I haven't even blogged about that!) Shame on you, Xiao!
It takes me an hour and a half every school day to wake up properly. Shower, make myself a cup of coffee and bread with butter, do my hair, decide what to wear, put on make-up, decide on shoes. In that order. Everyday, in that routine fashion. It used to take me five minutes to get to school when we still lived at Queen's Gate; now it takes me a good 20 mins to walk through Hyde Park, past the Prince Albert Memorial and the Royal Albert Hall, down the front steps that lead to the Royal College of Music. And everyday it is that same path back again, sometimes earlier, sometimes later, in a hurried way, afraid of being locked behind the iron gates that face home.
But rain or shine, there is always time to contemplate now. More time that there was when we lived at Queen's Gate. And more to appreciate around me, meticulously notice the beauty around me. And today I allowed my thoughts to linger…
Today I take Hyde Park for granted,
tomorrow it will be the Swiss Alps.
Today I put on my fashionable trainers,
tomorrow these will be my hiking boots.
Today I see the Korean tourists,
tomorrow I'd be lucky to sight one.
Today the scar of suppression fades,
tomorrow I love with caution.
Today I bid you all goodbye,
tomorrow I return with passionate kisses.
It is so much easier to summarise one's thoughts into a few lines of poetry than to write an anecdote. I wonder what I will think of tonight…
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18:55
Impermanence
» To look life in the faceAll things are transient, be it times filled with sorrow or happiness, be it peace or hardship. And this fact has been hammered into me such that it is glaringly obvious, surprisingly by way of an MRes degree with three project rotations. Because once you get settled in a lab you have to move again. "Move on, move on", time urges, and every three months I reset the clocks, I start anew, a new lab, a new project, new friends, new benchmates… One should not be nostalgic, one should not reminisce. Because in the process, one misses the "good old times". And for one who hardly remembers the bad days, not because one gets over them, but because one is simply forgetful, the past should not be dwelt upon.
So what was I thinking when I changed the radio station to 'Magic 105.4'? Recreate those times in the Flowers Building? What was I thinking when I planned to work here again 'because this is where it all began and this is where it all should end' as T is doing as well? And what AM I thinking now? Because it is all different here than it was at the Flowers Building. It is different from what it was two years ago. You walk in expecting to see the same people, breathe the same air, feel the same atmosphere as you did two years ago… but it is not there anymore. And there isn't even an empty hollow, because it has been so quickly filled with something else. Sure, the bottles of agar are labelled 'SX LBA 22/8' bottles of agar made in the summer of 2005. Labels that have dried and will likely stick for another 10 years before they are peeled off easily from repeated autoclaving.
The heart has such longing for the old times, but it should be at peace. The senses are now accustomed to a familiar smell of cologne, familiar footsteps, familiar faces. But the mind understands that these habituations should stop, that they should be forewarned, because such things are transient. And such habituation gives way to obsession, and succumbs to disappointment and heartbreak. My time left here is short, our time in this world is short, and the soul moves on to accomplish much more than is already done.
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18:04
The Pen
» To look life in the faceI have a Waterman ballpoint pen and a matching fountain pen. They were gifts for my 22nd birthday from my biology coursemates. The fountain pen hasn't been put to use, for I have yet to fill it with ink. The ballpoint pen, though, I have brought around with me sometimes. I do remember there being some debate when it was bought, if the engraving should read 'Xiao' or 'Xiaoyun'. And as usual, the nostalgic me says, 'Xiao' is fine, it reminds me of you all. I think I am starting to miss London.
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12:42
Genius at work - DND
» To look life in the faceWill one feel pressure working next to a genius? Yes, that is knowing if your work is being compared, but not if you don't have that competitive streak, that inferiority complex. But perhaps the biggest pressure comes from trying hard not to embarrass oneself while socialising, and such a situation has (thankfully) not happened to me yet (or at least I think), while still trying to get over the initial shock of the existence of such a genius. Worse, let a genius into your social circle, knowing that sooner or later it will be uncovered the fact that you're only a "Jack of all trades". I'm laughing at myself despite this - after all, we don't live on praises, and really what should be done is to live and learn. Ahhh…
Hmm, on that note, I can't believe the guy who kindly asked me to vacate the studio he booked apologised for having interrupted me because "it sounded very good!" Hahahaha…
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23:35
言寡忧, 行寡悔
» To look life in the faceJust received my results for the last project - it's made my weekend.
Nothing to say than that one should never underestimate one's own abilities. Especially when all else seems to be going against you, just like that time a few months ago. When my course convenor, Yuri, told me what I was looking towards with those grades, I said to him, "thanks Yuri. But I'm not too worried about getting that, I just want to do my best." Having grown up in a society where there is harsh competition, where even relatives compare merits, where those closest to you get jealous of your achievements, what more does it say about the mindset of such a society? Their minds are poisoned. So was mine. So poisoned it was that it took years to cleanse, and now there still remains that stain, faint yet still visible, and you can tell I was once such a vermin. Dear me, you think, what propaganda leads to this?
I need a daily dose of morals, which I am finding hard to administer ever since I've started on this new project. It is also time to settle housing both here for the summer and in Lausanne. Anyhow, I have to find time to deliberate on Confucianism. But for now,
"言寡忧, 行寡悔" (yan gua you, xing gua hui)
- To speak without worries, to act without regret
The latter is always easier than the former. That does not mean that one should start with the latter and then practice the former. It is much easier to deliberate on one's actions as they take more time and effort to effect. One has more time, before carrying out the act, and while carrying out the act to think if it is indeed righteous, if it is indeed apt, if it will not hurt, and if one will not regret. But words are easily spoken, and often it is not simply a question of truth and dishonesty, not only it being the appropriate moment, but also whether it is the appropriate person. It matters what your audience thinks, whether your words will hurt him/her. It is simply not enough to be honest.
But that is not to say that one should not give advice if needed. It means how the advice is to be given should be considered. If it falls on deaf ears, then stop harping on it. If it is an exchange of opinions, all the more one should not be harsh in pushing through one's own opinions, but respect those of the other party.
I have yet to master this, and it may well take ages, I may never be fully able to attain this even when I leave. But this should definitely be part of my set of principles to live life. Especially to those around me, especially when situations call for it. And yet I see myself breaking it everyday, with my words. Not that someone tells me they've been hurt, but that I have not considered, before speaking, if it might hurt. So that's something to deliberate on…
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22:12
Random Thoughts
» To look life in the faceWhat is deja vu and why do we experience it?
Those who believe in reincarnation propose that these are scenes from previous lives. Perhaps because I have been trained to think scientifically, everything has to be presented with evidence before I am willing to believe. How accurate then is Ian Stevenson's work on reincarnation?
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20:55
Mothers’ Day - Sunday, 13th May
» To look life in the face'Tis the Sunday before my third project begins tomorrow. Another 12 weeks holding my breath before freedom comes again. It is Mothers' Day today, and under pressure from the QuGeeians, this post has to be written. Not that I am against writing this anyway, it is simply laziness.
The song is <<真的愛妳>> by Beyond. Meaningful lyrics, not the usual "I love you"s or "You dumped me"s typical of pop songs.
《真的愛妳》
曲：黃家駒　詞：å°ç¾Žã€€ç·¨ï¼šBEYOND
> Xiaoyun, Jac, YSS
無法å¯ä¿®é£¾çš„一å°æ‰‹ã€€å¸¶å‡ºæº«æš–æ°¸é 在背後
縱使囉唆始終關注　ä¸æ‡‚ç惜太內咎> Kwok Hei, YGG
沉醉於音階她ä¸è®šè³žã€€æ¯è¦ªçš„æ„›å»æ°¸æœªé€€è®“
決心è¡é–‹å¿ƒä¸æŽ™æ‰Žã€€è¦ªæ©çµ‚å¯å ±ç”> Terry, Vincent, Kamil
春風化雨暖é€æˆ‘的心　一生眷顧無言地é€è´ˆ> All
æ˜¯å¦³å¤šéº¼æº«é¦¨çš„ç›®å…‰ã€€æ•™æˆ‘å …æ¯…æœ›è‘—å‰è·¯
å®å›‘我跌倒ä¸æ‡‰æ”¾æ£„
沒法解釋怎å¯å ±ç›¡è¦ªæ©ã€€æ„›æ„寬大是無é™
請准我說è²çœŸçš„愛妳> Kwok Hei, YGG
ä»è¨˜èµ·æº«é¦¨çš„一å°æ‰‹ã€€å§‹çµ‚給我照顧未變樣
ç†æƒ³ä»Šå¤©çµ‚æ–¼ç‰åˆ°ã€€åˆ†äº«å…‰è¼ç›¼åšåˆ°Apologies to those trained to read simplified chinese. It took us an hour to record this, tampering with noise reduction and the like. I don't quite understand what the engineers did to it. Kamil added his voice using a mixer, goes to show how international QuGee is getting!
See related blog posts in QuGee: Jacq, Terry, Kamil, Vincent
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23:44
The Party
» To look life in the faceThe handsome hostess threw a party again last night. The handsome hostess, wanting to be Clarissa Dalloway "the glittering wife of a Member of Parliament", threw a party again last night. Only for the sake of life, for this is life! The joy, the indulgence in company, not to please, not to impress, but only because this is life, this is London. And this is London's Kensington. Rapturous laughter decorating the rooms of an old Victorian house, a full century after the literary elite have departed, an indication that the party was a success. The handsome hostess knows, even though it was tiring wearing that superficial smile an entire night, though aware from the corner of her eye the condescending look, that the party was a success because her guests were conversing! One should not need to be involved, one should only need to sit and watch, touch and go. Touch and go…
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2:23
Not just another saturday
» To look life in the faceWhen one is tired of London, one is tired of life.
I embark on a journey to the heart of V. Woolf's childhood tomorrow. It is only a short walk from the family house at No. 22 Hyde Park Gate to Kensington Gardens. How utterly unaware I have been that Kensington was once the nesting area for "the aristocracy of intellect". It must inspire me in some way.
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1:55
Complete Random Actions
» To look life in the faceThis blog could make do with some light-hearted posts.
I just happened to take a glance at a R's blog today in L's presence, the both of us having absolutely nothing to do after her exams and after my report's been handed in. And I mean absolutely nothing. I still cannot understand why we did what we did. I haven't actually watched a beauty pageant since I was 7 or 8.
We first started scrutinising Miss Sg Universe 2007 contestants, then convinced there weren't any that fit our idea of beauty, we went on to look at Miss HK 2006 including past winners, thinking we would find something better. Boy, were we shocked! Then a rather silly thought occurred, and we actually checked out their masculine equivalents - all I can say is that… it will take me some time to recover from the horror. Better to check out the real thing, we thought. So guess where we went next? Yes, it's none other than Miss U and Miss W! Now we're talking… And then we finally arrived at the homepage of Mr W… dear me, I think some of them can use more clothes…
Imagine two researchers, less than perfect figures, supposedly well-educated and learned, spending a whole hour in front of an old Toshiba, laughing, giggling at photos of women AND men… I don't know which is worse - the action itself or the actual idea of it…
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0:10
Deliberating (2) - A problem well-rooted
» To look life in the faceA progression so fast and furious as this needs to be checked for fear of an anarchy of the mind. Conflicting thoughts and attitudes rage in a war of self-denial against recognition. The recovery phase has reached its peak and a state of the mind surfaces that has for so long been buried under layers of rubble. "Tread carefully for the mind slides easily from reality. Wave them about no more, pen them down in detail and create a vision."
(The above was written almost a month ago now)
Few know myself better than I do, and fortunately there are a handful around me. It is not so much that I let my guard down in their company - some of them see right into me. It is a pleasure being diagnosed about my state of mind by one who is clear about his own thoughts. Because isn't it how it starts? One has to help oneself before others.
Perhaps it's time to identify the root of the problem - that being psychological projection. My prescription is to write, and to write in detail I must. Which perhaps calls for multiple levels of restriction as one tends towards enunciating the internal monologue. Even so, one has to allow the flow of emotions and not to stifle them, but to watch the rise and ebb of these waves. Excessive energy should not be quelled, but spent on other activities. Understanding the self is the core issue here.
On that note, I wonder if the internal monologue is enough to quench the thirst of a creative mind? Must one, or should one conduct useful dialogue, or do meaningful actions, or even make ideas known through media and the arts? And what would be the outcome of a Kunstler(in) as such living in an oppressive state such that there exists not even the freedom of thought, what would be his/her fate? When such a right is taken away, when that right is regarded equivalent to the right to breathe, to eat, to live, to love… (Das Leben der Anderen) How can one then draw the line between a human and an animal?
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23:27
Lessons learnt
» To look life in the faceHow should one be true to oneself? Unfortunately, many of us here today do not even understand ourselves. When times were worse a century ago, we had so few choices. Now that we have everything materialistic, we begin to want more. And then we see that there are so many choices we could have, and we let loose our greed. Alas, the weakness of the mind!
I should write this down before I forget. Points from the talk by Ajahn Brahm on Monday. Speaking of faith, the teachings of Buddhism are to me what I should embrace for life. Because it will help me understand myself and then others and then this world. It is not that I choose to be faithful to this religion, but rather I choose to believe in its teachings. When the time is ripe, they will lead me to believe in the religion.
- We tend to remember only the bad experiences from the past.
- What is the most important thing?
- Who is the most important person?
- When is the most important time?
- Fear exaggerates a situation.
- Handling stress (letting go)
I liked Ajahn Brahm's story of two women baking a cake as well.
Just looking at the blog of someone I knew from the past made me realise how far I have gone since almost half a year ago. It is now time for me to put into practise the first point I listed - to remember not only the bad experiences. I never realised the extent to which my thoughts on relationships were so twisted. Even after this, I should not stifle my emotions. Let them flow.
So who, what and when is most important? The answers told to me are enough for my reflecting on them for some time. And when one puts these three questions in a larger context, they mean more than just who, what and when is most important - they serve as guidelines to how I should live my life. Back to this blog that I've just read - the writer has a long way to go in understanding himself. And even then when he finally understands himself and his actions can he move on to better himself. Only when he betters himself and his mind will he be able to love, the word he has harped on for so long and so many times but never understood - and perhaps never will.
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3:01
Tears after the drought
» To look life in the faceAs always, only a surge of emotions like this would force me away from last-minute work. Rather than reigning them in, I've learnt recently, I should let them flow. Let them flow and watch.
Perhaps at long last I see, and I understand what has been missing so long in your life, and indirectly, in mine. Almost gave up after all this time? Or still holding on? I hope it is the latter, because maybe, just maybe the coastline is in sight. And you can finally step ashore, and I will no longer have to worry about braving the storms with you on board. But no, I will not be joining you on land, though I can see the look of dismay in your eyes. Perhaps years later when my boat docks again will I see you next. Or perhaps the winds will take me far, far away and I will never find my way back. A sigh of relief, a moment of true happiness, crying in the rain after the drought. And I will sail away and live my life on the high seas.
So until then we will hang on together, I will man the sails whatever the weather, and I will deliver you to that shore we have been searching for all our lives.
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23:33
Viewpoint: romance
» To look life in the face"Cultural norms can dictate how romance is expressed, but never the passion with which it's felt."
James L. Stanfield
National Geographic Photojournalist
National Geographic January 2007
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3:59
Deliberating
» To look life in the faceM asked while we were in Lausanne, what our last thoughts would be if we were to die now.
"If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear, for I've never known completeness, like being here."
Yes, I wouldn't fear. I've learned to live for what I want, and I want to live every minute of my life knowing that I will not regret should I die any minute now. I've seen that death is not the opposite of life - it is part of life. I've come to understand the meaning of peace in the mind and soul. I have accomplished what I have set out to do - every step of it. I have looked sorrow in the face and braved it.
Yet if I should live from this moment on I will continue to prepare myself for death. I will practise peace. I will brave loneliness. I will practise optimism and embrace the idea of impermanence. I will work towards giving up alcohol for good.
I have two hesitations: one to choose between materialism and leading a 'meaningful' life; two to choose between temporary happiness and peace of mind. After much deliberation I have started to draft out my plans where I will follow my own conscience in choosing a career. Marriage is like wearing a corset for life. And for that reason, I will follow in the footsteps of Elizabeth I: I will marry myself to my dreams and aspirations. I will practise letting go of such feelings - they disturb the peace I yearn for.
Is it true that the depth of our thoughts is limited by our language capabilities? Oftentimes I feel myself restricted in expressing myself completely and elegantly. I wish I had a better command of my mother tongue. No amount of pondering, my thoughts in English, will bring me what I could expect to achieve so succinctly should I be more fluent in my mother tongue. What use is it to be a jack of all trades in the use of languages than to be a master of one? In this respect my illiteracy must be hampering the development of my mind.
I never liked farewells, especially when a reunion is uncertain. Because of impermanence, he or she whom one is bidding farewell will never be the same again. I am aware at this point that I may sound as if I am contradicting myself. This is not to say that I regret the fact that people change - on the contrary, I appreciate that. But I perfer reunions to farewells, and may that be reflected in a certain poem I've penned. I should frown with contempt at one who has changed for the worse but even more at one who has not changed - at least the former has learnt. Which is why I find it fascinating to observe this change in myself when I look back from time to time.
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3:05
Perfectionism
» To look life in the faceI deleted a post I've saved for 3 months now. It was titled 'Ode to an exceptional character'. I finally see the point that there's no 'perfect' person, and if anything we are all very much flawed in our own ways.
K commented on Tuesday while we were looking through high school photos that I looked different from those days back in JC. It wasn't my physical appearance. "Your eyes," she said, "they look like they've seen much more…'
Have I really? I am always assessing others for myself. For my own interest. I find people fascinating. How we are all flawed so much such that we are unique. If there was one thing I'd say about this WMUN07 trip, it is that my perception of some of those around me have changed. I wouldn't say how here, that is for me to keep to myself. But yes, there is no such thing as a perfect being. It is also time I assessed myself.
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3:44
Of Birthdays and Farewells
» To look life in the faceSo many of us are leaving the lab now, there's just going to be R left. It's YSS' birthday today, and Omar's farewell party tonight. We celebrated YSS' birthday yesterday, and LZ came along.
It's interesting to note that LZ is much of an introvert. That's from several conversations we've had and how he's always so cool. There must be so many things I don't know yet, and he's reluctant to talk about. Still, it's good being friends. And that's what I've realised from the past few days. I am now much in control of myself, and even today while the solutions were being thrown out, I felt much at ease. I can finally converse as I would do casually to a friend.
YSS got the best birthday present ever! I really have to hold it up to her - neverending determination and hope that you'll hardly find in another. These things are all meant to be. I am meant to go to Lausanne, and already I am curious as to what lies ahead for me beyond the Swiss Alps! Well, perhaps I'll have a clue next week.
Finally, a kiss is just a kiss. Drinks do no good and I'm glad I've taken myself off the booze for some time now. Need to continue that determination. Farewells are part and parcel of life and everyone is just but a passer-by. Still, it was probably the first time I've experienced such a friendly and meaningless kiss.
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1:58
On Retiring
» To look life in the faceThe Annual General Meeting (AGM) is over and it is now time for me to retire. To withdraw myself from office which I should have done a year ago. I think I came back half-heartedly, with no full commitment. The intention was to help out with my experience, but somehow I tried not to intervene. Perhaps because I imagine myself often to be part of the founding committee, not the current (and soon to be outgoing) committee. Believed in letting them run the society their way. I knew that some things could have been better, some things just wouldn't have worked. But I never gave warning. And the only time I tried to intervene - during LIMUN - was probably frowned upon. LIMUN. The same people making the same mistakes. Repeating it for two years in a row. They never learn do they?
It is also time for me to retire from the lab. This project has been much better than the last. A new start, a good start. It has come much further than I'd expected. Now effort is to be put in to bring it to completion. Everyone will be leaving, including me. Four out of five of us, in total. And a lab mate will just be a passer-by in my life. I am much more… emotionally healthy this term as well. I've had much more breathing space. Events have unfolded slowly too, and I finally see my impatience. I need to slow down in every aspect of my life, especially this…. Time and patience, and the need to better understand oneself. I love being in control of myself and my own emotions.
Which is why I will soon be ready for the next big step in my life - to leave the hustle and bustle of London behind for the serenity of Lausanne. For soul searching. To come to terms with myself and to start anew. And as Omar said, to not let anything stop me from pursuing my dreams. Especially emotions, especially those I cannot handle. It is time I be selfish. It is time I withdraw that facade, that public face which seems so much more sociable than it actually is. The shell one may think I am retreating to is non-existent. I would much rather think of myself retreating to a different world…
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for todayImagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peaceYou may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as oneImagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the worldYou may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as oneImagine, John Lennon
