Today’s company meeting went well…steady growth, a good profit, a good revenue. I’ve got a good enough decent salary.Yet, I am very scared. I’ve just reached 25, went to one of the more “prestigious” unis in the world, with a steady job with a company which is growing strongly and a place to stay etc. I somehow feel that my youth is being robbed from me, or rather I am feeling more and more that I should be somewhere else doing something bigger, better. I am too idealistic they say - that I do not see the world for what it is.
I cannot say I am not motivated by money. At least I am motivated by the quality of life money gives me. Yet, I feel day after day I am picking the petals of a flower waiting for something big to happen. I guess that is one of the beauties of life. Its the unpredictability - when all the roads seem dark and lonely, another door would open. You would grow a little wiser, your belly would grow a little bigger. Talking to Terry yesterday on the phone, I realised that the more I sit here and get glued in the more I feel like I’m wishing my life away. Perhaps its time to do some volunteering, going out to the community.
Yesterday I felt so depressed. A sudden wave of sadness blow over me and I could almost feel tears coming out of my eyes. I blame it on lunch to be honest. I tend to hang out with older men who have families. Oh, on this note, I should also point out they are Indian/Pakistanis - more on that a bit later on. They’ll go on about how their wives would make them breakfast, the kids ask them to play football this and that. It struck me - thats it. Thats all there is left in life, getting a 9-5 job, constant salary, go home to your wife and children, watch them grow up, guide them this and that, and wait until the end of time. Then one thing my friend said before we got off the car was “If a man comes to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage, you should look at his adab (manners) and his principles. If he is a good, upright guy then you should never say no. The problem is when people start looking for things like how much money he earns, his status, his class etc.” - And this, my friend, summarises what I believe is wrong with our society, and that is why we have such high rate of divorce, because women find men who can provide more for them - their ego could be fulfilled by another handonistic needs. Same with men - my wife should be pretty and presentable but fail to see what is inside them. Sigh. Then to top it up, my friend decided to send me the article about Goldman Sachs. I felt so depressed, what kind of society am I living in? There is too much disease of the heart as some would put it.
Anyway, I decided to pick some quotes which puts my life back into perspective. There are 3 quotes which has been on my facebook account since God knows when:
Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
~ The Alchemist
“If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”
~ Christopher McCandless (In the Wild)
“Death is always sitting by your side so that when you need to do something important, it will give you the strength and courage you need.”
~Paulo Coehlo (Like the Flowing River)
I need to do something, but yet I don’t know what that thing is. I am afraid to loose it all but what is there to loose if we accept that our wealth will not benefit us in anyway after we die - in fact for judeo-christian-islamic beliefs, wealth could bring you more troubles after you die because you were given more responsibility over wealth which God had entrusted onto us. Yet, I feel my ego rising, my nafs - or what the buddists call ’self’ - straying. I need the courage for change. Change does not come to a man until he has the courage to seek it. Sometimes I wonder what is my personal legend? What is the means and what is the ends?
Sometimes I think of simpler times when I have been hiking or cycling for 2-3 hrs straight and a bar of chocolate is the greatest luxury in the world. Looking at the recent Heathrow closure, I have reminded myself we take things for granted, to think we have the right to travel to the other side of the world in a few hours is total non-sense. Its a luxury which is betowed on us by grace not by rights.
Change….I wonder who will win the elections! [I couldn’t be bothered to proof read - I apologise for my bad grammar and bad writing style]