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I was in Tescos the other day with my parents. They ran out of normal blue and white bags, and I forgot to bring my own bags. So they were handing out recylable bags. However, the girl over the counter was being stingy and refused to give us a bag for 8 bottles of water. I had a go at her for not providing us with bags. The man standing in line said “I’ll carry it for you”…How embarrassed I felt :S

Today’s company meeting went well…steady growth, a good profit, a good revenue. I’ve got a good enough decent salary.Yet, I am very scared. I’ve just reached 25, went to one of the more “prestigious” unis in the world, with a steady job with a company which is growing strongly and a place to stay etc. I somehow feel that my youth is being robbed from me, or rather I am feeling more and more that I should be somewhere else doing something bigger, better. I am too idealistic they say - that I do not see the world for what it is.

I cannot say I am not motivated by money. At least I am motivated by the quality of life money gives me. Yet, I feel day after day I am picking the petals of a flower waiting for something big to happen. I guess that is one of the beauties of life. Its the unpredictability - when all the roads seem dark and lonely, another door would open. You would grow a little wiser, your belly would grow a little bigger. Talking to Terry yesterday on the phone, I realised that the more I sit here and get glued in the more I feel like I’m wishing my life away. Perhaps its time to do some volunteering, going out to the community.

Yesterday I felt so depressed. A sudden wave of sadness blow over me and I could almost feel tears coming out of my eyes. I blame it on lunch to be honest. I tend to hang out with older men who have families. Oh, on this note, I should also point out they are Indian/Pakistanis  - more on that a bit later on.  They’ll go on about how their wives would make them breakfast, the kids ask them to play football this and that. It struck me - thats it. Thats all there is left in life, getting a 9-5 job, constant salary, go home to your wife and children, watch them grow up, guide them this and that, and wait until the end of time. Then one thing my friend said before we got off the car was “If a man comes to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage, you should look at his adab (manners) and his principles. If he is a good, upright guy then you should never say no. The problem is when people start looking for things like how much money he earns, his status, his class etc.” - And this, my friend, summarises what I believe is wrong with our society, and that is why we have such high rate of divorce, because women find men who can provide more for them - their ego could be fulfilled by another handonistic needs. Same with men - my wife should be pretty and presentable but fail to see what is inside them. Sigh. Then to top it up, my friend decided to send me the article about Goldman Sachs. I felt so depressed, what kind of society am I living in? There is too much disease of the heart as some would put it.

Anyway, I decided to pick some quotes which puts my life back into perspective. There are 3 quotes which has been on my facebook account since God knows when:

Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
~ The Alchemist

“If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”
~ Christopher McCandless (In the Wild)

“Death is always sitting by your side so that when you need to do something important, it will give you the strength and courage you need.”
~Paulo Coehlo (Like the Flowing River)

I need to do something, but yet I don’t know what that thing is. I am afraid to loose it all but what is there to loose if we accept that our wealth will not benefit us in anyway after we die - in fact for judeo-christian-islamic beliefs, wealth could bring you more troubles after you die because you were given more responsibility over wealth which God had entrusted onto us. Yet, I feel my ego rising, my nafs - or what the buddists call ’self’ -  straying. I need the courage for change. Change does not come to a man until he has the courage to seek it. Sometimes I wonder what is my personal legend? What is the means and what is the ends?

Sometimes I think of simpler times when I have been hiking or cycling for 2-3 hrs straight and a bar of chocolate is the greatest luxury in the world. Looking at the recent Heathrow closure, I have reminded myself we take things for granted, to think we have the right to travel to the other side of the world in a few hours is total non-sense. Its a luxury which is betowed on us by grace not by rights.

Change….I wonder who will win the elections! [I couldn’t be bothered to proof read - I apologise for my bad grammar and bad writing style]

I have a feeling I will blog about this again. Thinking back at Paolo Coehlo’s “The Alchemist”, Tariq Ramadan associate it to Islamic Sufism. I don’t know much about Sufism myself, but I shall go about finding out more about it. My initial understanding of Sufism is a Buddhist or Hindu interpretation of Islam - the need to reduce our emotional attachment so that we can detach ourselves from this world to be closer to God or Allah the almighty. In my opinion, its a very extreme practice and belief, one which deviates from the main teachings of Islam. For example the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, used to take a bath and wear perfume before going to the mosque because he wanted to come across as someone who is hygenic and presentable. Wealth in Islam is permissible as long as its been purified by Zakat, or obligatory Charity. I’m not sure what my readers think of Islam. People usually have a very simplistic model of what Islam is all about - the five pillars (The belief in one God, 5 times daily prayers, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage). But little do they realised these are purification methods to purify our souls in this world so that we will be ready for the hereafter. At the end of the day we will only be judged by our hearts.

However, Sufism was not always so extreme. Some consider Sufism to be outside the fold of Islam whilst others saw it was the inner embodiment (the thoughts and the heart) of Islam. I was listening to this talk by Yusuf Hamza (Hanson), an American Islamic Scholar on the purification of the heart. It talks about the various disease we have in our hearts. Its quite universal topic really, whether you are a Christian, Buddhist, Jew or even an atheist, we all suffer from the disease of the heart - whether it be envy, hatred, miser(y). I know I suffer a lot especially in the past. So its very interesting to try and improve myself over the next few years.

Back to the Alchemist, I was watching Panorama on BBC today about the Africans who were called Economic Migrants - who try to get from countries such as Ghana, Nigeria, Niger to Europe. With the need to cross the Sahara desert and the Mediterranean sea, most of them die trying. Then I ask myself, what would it take for me to do an epic journey like this, knowing that I will have to drink my own urine, see my friends die, or drown in the sea from a sinking ship. The only thing I could think of is knowledge. Thinking back at the story of the Alchemist when he travelled thousands of miles in search for his personal legend.  Perhaps in enduring the pain and hardship one would gain some sort of knowledge which was not given to them <- This is purely my own idea.

Al Ghazali - a medieval scholar (it could be someone else, but I think its him) was once crossing the desert with his books at the back of a donkey or camel,and a thief came along to steal his books. He said to the thief, “Please don’t steal my books, all my knowledge is there.” Then the thief laughed at him and said “what kind of knowledge is that that someone could steal from you?” So he knows that true knowledge is that which is committed to memory. A bit like SQL codes - you have to commit the calls into the database.

There is no central theme to this blogpost, but just a random jumble of ideas. I just find that I am once again where I was 6 years ago, hungry for knowledge and hungry for wisdom. They say that Ramadan is a month where the gates of hell are closed (and satan is locked by chains) and the doors of heaven are opened. I do have a very strong feeling I have been pulled back from the torment of hellfire. Just remembering what I felt at the dome in Hiroshima where the atomic bomb fell - the despair in finding comfort in the Godlessness in a secular society - and comparing to now, its truth staring at my face. I’m sure those of you reading my blog might have a sense of frustration or unease because it seems that I have gone from someone who blogged about very generic things in life to suddenly a tone of preaching Islam. But this is part of my life and its a big part of my life, and I wished that I could share it with people around me who I know are most, if not all, from a non-Islamic background.

I wonder when I will embark on my journey in search of knowledge?

I am quite slack in terms of job hunting. Many people question my will and determination on finding a job. Apparently that is measured by the number of companies I have sent my CVs to and how many interviews I have been to. In fact, I do agree that I am very slack on finding a job compared to some of my friends who did try very hard to find a job whilst they were studying.

I am currently interviewing for a company called IFS, Industrial Financial systems. It looks quite promising. If I get this job, I should be able to program in C(++,# etc), by the end of it. I did a logic test last round and somehow a lot of people failed…I wonder why. I have to say IFS does not seem to the biggest of all companies, and a lot of people had been coming up to tell me that they expected me to do something bigger. Perhaps, it seems to be a big drop going from interviewing with one of the world’s top 10 companies (Toyota) and working for one of the largest national companies in Japan to a company which no one had heard of. In fact, I do find working in a big company does help in some ways - for example - applying for a credit card or starting a new mobile phone contract. Back in Japan, being associated with Asahi Kasei did definitely have its advantage in the society. I did feel that sense of respect from people around me whether it was going into a bank or just speaking to people.

Its all very well, and it is also because of this that I have also applied to some bigger companies like Siemens and IBM. Names more recognisable, brands with the words trust and reliabilty attached to them. However, is it necessarily better (from an employee point of view)? Whilst you might trust a laptop by Siemens(-Fujitsu) or IBM (Lenovo), if you are not a fore-runner working in these companies, jobs might just become mudane and the pay (definitely from some positions I am considered for) are minimal. So minimal in fact that I am forced to turn it down even if I am offered one.

For my whole life, I have been attached to big names, whether it be Sha Tin College, Imperial College or Asahi-Kasei, I have always had it easy because I am attached to these big names. People automatically assume that you must be very good to have come from or be part of these large organisations. And yes - there is a great sense of prestige associated with these names. Perhaps less so than the best - there is always KGV, Cambrige or Toyota - but yeah, there are the names which makes people go - huh - this guy might be better than what he seems from the looks.

Whilst in some cases - yes - working for Microsoft might be better than working for an unknown company, working for a smaller company might be a platform to something bigger. You are who you are, and sometimes working in the right condition would actualise the potentials faster.

So what are the priorities when choosing a job? Is it starting salary, branding of company, the potential, or just being happy?

Perhaps it all leads to the same place…I am just letting it flow.

Finished the 2 months of crazy traveling, re-entering my more routine lifestyle of London. I have learnt quite a bit from these 2 months away. It is hard to summarise what had happened in the past weeks and months. I definitely had a good time away from university life and perhaps it allows me to have a more refreshing start to the next decade of my life. Everyone tells me that I have options - that apparently is the optimistic way of putting “I have a degree now - I can work for someone whoever that someone/something might be.”

Just did my IBM online test 1/2 awake, and I kind of messed it up. Then again, I thought I messed it up with Siemens and Toyota but somehow I did ok. Oh well…I didn’t really have much time lately to sit in front of the computer long enough in the past 7 days to actually do the test - and I have to do it within 7 days of recieving the invitation (which ends tomorrow). Strange: less than 8 hours till my flight and I am feeling way too normal. But 1 thing I am certain about is that I am looking forward to start my life in London. I’ve got interview lined up and some exciting days ahead - well exciting meaning something which has to do with my future instead of just doing in the name of fun.

I am confident I will be able to find what it is that I am supposed to do next. I have no clue, but perhaps that is also the joy of life: the unknowns. I find it extremely depressing to dwell on the unknowns because the unknowns cannot be controlled and as a human being who doesn’t have control over these unknowns, it is very easy to become overly pessimistic to ensure that one will not get too depressed by the reality. Perhaps its the lessons of life I have come to learn: never expect. Perhaps when one really masters his own expectations and make it meet with reality, he shall be a happy man. Well, always live in the moment and always be prepared. I don’t really know what that means. I have been trying to understand that lately, but I still don’t really get it. Nonetheless, I have been living my days in Japan, Hong Kong and Australia to its fullest, I can only take with me the good memories of these times, and believe in one thing: Hope. This leads me to recommend a blog post: Hope and Expectations.

I choose to look at this not as a finale of my freedom, but the beginning of a new life and unknowns. It is like jumping off a cliff without a safety net and trusting that the water will carry your weight. For me, life will always be fun on the edge because its やばい (yabai: risky), and the sense of achievement is ecstatic, and of course if you fall, the wound is also that much deeper and painful. But hey, there is always the dutch saying to fall back on: A donkey never fall on the same stone twice. I am definitely not a donkey cause I keep finding new ways of falling on the same stone -_-!!

Tomorrow: London.

I have finally decided to blog after many days of staying away from the internet and experiencing mother earth first hand for the first time in a long time. I finally feel alive again. I finally feel that I don’t need to depend on the virtual world to define my existence, and for the first time in a long time, I can tell you that I am ‘happy’.

Before boarding the plane for Hong Kong, Sun shouted to me as I ascended the escalators, “Go to Australia and find out what you want to do with you life.” Here I am, sitting in a hostel in the Blue Mountains, 10,000 miles away from what I usally call home, I can tell you that I have decided to try out something new, something I have never thought of trying seriously and that is to become a teacher. Perhaps for many people, this path does not seem to be a very ambitious one. For most of my friends would consider working as an Engineer or a banker or something which would earn them a lot of respect and money in society. But I think for all my life, I have always looked for something meaningful to do with my life - and perhaps the decision to become a teacher would be a first step as I could first handedly influence the youths and new generation of our society and be able to make an immediate impact on the world.

Too much has happened here in Australia, and I have experienced the most unusual things being in the outback. Many signs and many stories. I am glad I came here again. It instilled a sense of hope into my life, and I suppose its a great start to my graduate life.

Please forgive me if I hadn’t send an email to ask about how you are nor keep in touch, but be sure to know that I had thought about everyone when I was swaging in the desert with a million stars staring at me next to the camp fire.

Its like hunting in the wild. No…Its like hunting in an area where I have been taught to hunt - but I really haven’t got the core skills needed to hunt in the area I am hunting in! Is really nothing out there except for Engineering and Business? One which you need to be specialised and the other which you need no specialisation at all?

How come I am an Engineering graduate from arguable the world’s most renowned Engineering school but not trained well enough to be an Engineer? URGH. This is so annoying.

Money isn’t real. It doesn’t matter. It only seems like it does.

I came across this quote today as I am becoming more and more broke. Man, I really hope I can leave the UK without being in the reds.

Finding a job seems to be more and more the only right thing to do (since I don’t have money). Maybe if I don’t find a job by the end of these 3 weeks, I will try find one in Hong Kong. It only seems right that I return to the place which I grew up and was educated in. It had been a good 5 years abroad, but a man must recognise his home for that is the dearest possession to him. But of course, if I have a job with good money here in the UK why not stay here?

Such a capitalistic pig - me.