QuGee Updates » Tags » and and Challenge

My teacher asked me, “you must feel quite empty inside?” Lol…I never thought of it like that. But I guess so. After everything which happened since I came back from Japan, I felt the need to just move on. Finally, I have decided to flip a new page and move on with life. I have come to a realisation that what I was looking for in life didn’t exist in the circles I mingled in.

I am glad that things are progressing and I have been pulled in by organisations which mission I feel quite passionately about. Passion has not been a word which I had been able to use in a long long long time. Those who know me, knows that my biggest problem I have with society is the unfair distribution in wealth. I am going to do what I can to help better this. I am not sure yet how to go about it, but I mingle amongst the charity bunch in the UK enough for them to push me to think up a few projects to take on myself. So, I plan to do what I can in my limited ability. Hopefully I can pull off another ICMUN type thing, but in a sustainable manner which can carry on without my presence in the future. I have a few ideas in my mind. However, I need to talk to more people before deciding upon a project.

I mean, there is a big part of me which feels empty. Yet, I have come to learn not to ask people for favours but rather ask myself what I can do for the community. I still have a lot of polishing to do. When I am ready, I will know.

I can’t begin to tell you, my dear readers, how much I have enjoyed this Ramadan. Especially after tonight, I am so sure that this coming year would be a real interesting one. I remember sitting with the Somali gang in Shepherds Bush and my friend telling me, the only reason why we are sitting here having a meal together is because of Islam. Honestly, this month has opened a London I have never seen in my 8 years here. It is in this spirit that I want to write down my resolution for this coming year.

One of my biggest resolutions is to give back to society. In the backdrop of London riots and the increasing frustration of young people, I want to help instill a sense of hope and aim into young people of London. I don’t know how yet, but in my mind I have a couple of ideas flying around. The problem I find is that those who are highly educated and motivated almost never give back to society. This is why the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer. I am going to fight this system. I really hope I can motivate someone especially from a poor background enough to get them into a top university in the UK.

Everything else, I am not bothered by the moment. I feel like a leaf in the wind. Wherever the wind takes me, I will go.

I had a very happy day today. I wanted to blog about it. The three of us were sitting on the floor and just talked about our own journey. It will be a great journey insha Allah.

I am lying here quite sick today…wondering what I want to do. Been a rather depressing day with news of dying babies and bomb blasts in Norway. Dave and Agnes is staying here for a couple of nights but I don’t really have much energy to entertain them, so I am lying here on my bed thinking of what I want to do.

I am contemplating taking a year out to do things I want to do. So in the event of taking a year out here is a list of thing I would want to do:

1) go on a charity placement for a duration of time 1-3 months in either Africa or North Western China

2) travel through China to find out about my roots and learn from a Chinese Sheikh.

3) visit Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Turkmenistan

4) Hajj

5) Visit Muritania

6) Learn a new language

7) cycle parts of the silk road and ride a camel through Gobi desert.

To be honest, I don’t think 1 year is enough and I wonder if I could ever have a “normal” life after such experiences.

We finally reached Palermo after cycling 575KM across some of Sicily’s most stunning scenaries and visited some historical sites across the former Greek/Roman empires.

I didn’t do a lot of thinking on this trip. I guess it’s one of those few moments in life where I can just relax and take my mind out of the daily routine, not be bothered by the mundaneness of it all. Yet I don’t find the idea of being on a bike riding to freedom an addictive element to life which I will dearly miss when I sit at my desk on Tuesday morning.

I didn’t get a eureka moment whereby I knew what I wanted in life nor was I any closer to solving some of the persisting puzzles which bothers me in London. For once I was able to concentrate on myself and going out to accomplish a goal: to cycle to our destination.

One of the things I did theorised about was the inequality in the distribution of wealth. For the first time ever, I managed to drink a bottle of 500ml coke over 3 days. It was because I come to realise how much energy a bottle of coke could give you, and the feeling of luxury you get from drinking it. Sometimes I think for the energy I exert during work, and the amount of energy and power I am given as a result of it (I.e. owning a car, have the money to take a train or a bus) I realised I take a lot of this for granted and rather hedonistically so. I don’t think about the amount of energy it cost me to carry a 1 tonne vehicle across 24miles a day up a rather high ‘wycombe’ since I no longer consider the amount of energy it takes to do such a routine task. When I am cycling across Sicily, the thought of climbing 300m scares the living daylight out of me. Yet, whilst cycling up to Alcamo, trucks and cars drove effortless next to me honking as if it was funny. Yet, I was there cycling breathlessly up the slope without the energy to reply to my fellow cyclists.

Perhaps it’s a sign I should get fit and keep fit. OK, heading back to London the day after tomorrow. So I will get the photos up when I get back.

—————————- Update ———————————–
Photos are now uploaded in facebook and flickr.

On a saturday morning, sitting here, reading everyone’s blog, now deciding to write my own blog. So I have been doing some soul searching in the past few weeks. I think I now have a better idea of what I want and what I don’t want.

So I guess it’s time I start actively seeking it out. Too long living behind an imaginative future and just going after thie things which makes you happy.

Cycling trip in Sicily is a good start. Perhaps after this I will try and gather together some friends with similar intrests to do more of these adventure tours around the world. Randy showed me a link of what people want to do before they die. I think I have the answer. I want to cycle back to Hong Kong from London before I die…Just go travelling a bit, meeting more people, understand more cultures and understanding the intricate relationship between different cultures and how it relates to the world’s political, religious and socio history. I guess by understanding what it is that is important to different people, you can understand the common thread of humanity which binds us together on this planet.

If there was one thing I have taken away from the past 2 weeks, it’s that of positivity: One must portray a sense of positivity at all times. I was described yesterday by Randy as “you’re very negative in a very positive way!” I suppose I have been somewhat depressed, angry and frustrated at my given situation, but it’s not the end of the world, and I have only 2 choices: 1) complain about it, harbour negative feelings for it or 2) make the best out of the situation and wish for the best. I was given an opportunity, I felt that I gave it my best shot and I honestly felt a bit out of my depth – not because of inability but because of my ignorance; in other words, lack of knowledge and experience.

I guess there are a few tips for myself to practice:

1) Never be defensive for any choices you make: There are always bad things which comes with a choice.
2) Always try to portray everything in a positive light: There are always negative points about something, you can choose to concentrate on those or choose to concentrate on the positive ones to make it better.
3) Keep going and don’t feel defeated upon failure: I had a discussion with my mum about failure, I was asked to describe my worse failure. I do feel times and times again I hit a brick wall. However, there will always be a crack somewhere; I manage to get through and shine. It is tough to be defeated but there are always hope – as long as you don’t give up, a failure is not a failure: It’s an obstacle.

I felt somewhat defeated yesterday. Despite that, there were some positives I had taken away from it. I had very successful people (in a purely materialistic, worldly way) saying that my experiences are ones which they truly envy and admire about. I think I had shown that I have the tenacity and ability to propel myself that much further. I feel I am on a level playing field, and I realised I need a much more dynamic place and nature of work to fulfill my never-stopping mind from wandering into deep thoughts, and frankly boredom.

I guess irregardless of the results, I can honestly say everything I’ve done and prepared for in the past 2 weeks were well worth it. I just want to take this opportunity to thank all those who had taken my time out to help me. I really felt a sense of euphoria when I saw that so many people cared and really genuinely want to see me succeed (in a career sense). Thank you.

Came across this book on the shelf, couldn’t help it but pick it up and started reading it. Came across this section which I would love to quote. The setting was Changez, the main character graduated from Princeton, summa cum laude, and was in an interview with Underwood Samson an elite valuation consultancy firm.

I’m going to give you a business case, a company I want you to value…The company is simple. It has only one service line: instantaneous travel. You step into its terminal in New York, and you immediately reappear in its terminal in London. Like a transporter on Star Trek. Get it? Good. Lets go.”…My essence was focused on finding my way through the case. I started by asking questions to understand the technology: how scalable it was, how reliable, how safe. Then I asked Jim about the environment: if there were any direct competitors, what the regulators might do, if any suppliers were particularly critical…And at the end, I arrived at a number. “Two point three billion dollars,” I said. Jim was silent for a while. Then he shook his head. “Wildly overoptimistic,” he said. “Your assumptions on customers adopting this thing are way too high. Would you be willing to step into a machine, be dematerialized, and then recomposed thousands of miles away? This is exactly the kind of hyped-up bullshit our clients pays Underwood Samson to see through.”

Reluctant Fundamentalist, Mohsin Hamid

So, as part of defining where I want to head for my career, I have been thinking about my long term aim or values as a human being. I’ve been thinking about the core values I hold and what I want my legacy to be. I realised I’ve been more and more pulled towards ideas propagated by icons such as Muhammed Yunus, the Nobel Peace Prize winner for his push for microfinancing in Bangladesh, and yesterday I came across Dambisa Moyo after talking to my Nigerian friend. I realised if there was one thing I want my career to achieve for me it’ll be to be able to make a real difference to the elimination of poverty. Frankly speaking, being in the Engineering world would not give me the leverage to do this, for this reason I need to start looking into the Corporate world.

I came across this video on youtube where Moyo was speaking with CBC, the Canadian broadcast corporation:

I remember I had a Canadian Maths teacher in year 10 who would turn the room to a freezing temperature. Then he would come up with a very complicated maths question and he would point randomly at you and say “You answer. Come on, Focus!” Even though most of my classmates openly loathed his military style Maths lesson, I secretly really enjoyed it because it allowed me to really stretch intellectually.

I went swimming today despite the fact that it was freezing outside and I felt somewhat unfit having just lounge out the whole weekend without much exercise. My insomnia due to my self-induced stress had made me rather tired today. I was trying so hard to stay awake on the icy road on my way back home. Rather unsafe thinking back at it. When I was swimming, I find that the state of my mind really affects my performance. Whilst usually I would have the determination and focus to finish a 1.5KM swim non-stop, today I struggled to swim 500m. I couldn’t figure out why.

Then I found something I thought I lost many years ago.

I felt blood pumping through my veins again. Perhaps its a sense of hope induced by recent events, but I realised what I missed most was being stretched and challenged in an unimaginable way. I felt the sense of ambition flowing through my veins again. Yes, its of worldly ambitions, but nonetheless because I feel so under-challenged in my current job, I am starting to feel dead.

I often remind my friends and colleagues of the time when I was in Africa (and I guess to a large extent Australia as well) and how ‘alive’ I felt. I was back in the wild, put into an environment where I am not spoon fed every little information I need/don’t need to know through a handheld device; where I was given a piece of bread but not a choice of 50 different types of bread; where life was place in perspective.

When I was swimming, I was reminded of the need to focus on an aim. I realised that without an aim, you can start wandering lost, you loose the momentum and slowly and slowly you start feeling like a lost spirit, a sheep. Blah, I should avoid using languages such as sheep because we are not sheep…we are all individuals who have the cognitive ability to think and have the ability to command a change.

PME: Positive Mental Energy.

So the other day I was in the city. Even though I have come to know the streets inside out around London, I have come to feel a great sense of unease walking down the streets of Poultry, Cheapside and Old Bailey. As I walked along the majestic wall-street like buildings, I started to imagine what sort of life I would live if I lived and worked amongst these buildings. It was then when it struck me that I really didn’t fit in there. Don’t get me wrong, I wore a long neo-like jacket with smart attire. Everything about my look spoke – “The city boy”. I guess its like walking down Central in Hong Kong. The New Territories brought up me always feel somewhat out of place there even though its great to be amongst the iconic skyline of Victoria Harbour.

I tried to evaluate my emotions today. It was a mixture of disappointment, happiness and relief. Listening to Daniel Powter’s “Bay Day” in my little Yaris going home, I realised ENFP likes to continually evaluate what they want in life by what they encounter in life. Perhaps as I tried to evaluate different paths I could take, could have taken or will take in the future, I come to realise I am where I ought to be right here right now.

Umm, I guess I have to leave it here as I can’t really gathered my thoughts. After a busy day at work, I feel that I am finally challenged in a positive way, and I relish the fact that I will wake up to a bright new day tomorrow.

The assumption that brands equals quality is in my opinion is a semi-false pretense. Whilst statistically speaking, one may agree with the observation that academia with a long lasting name such as Oxford or Cambridge University produces the best graduate, one cannot rule out the possibility of the existence of other graduate who are of high calibre. These couple of days I have been bizzarely troubled by an imaginary barrier which is created due to my inability to prove myself by a representation of a big name. I feel somewhat strangled by the meritocratic society in which we are rewarded based on a piece of paper we hold at the end of 4 years of really hard work. I tell myself its Qadr, whatever happened happened for a reason and there was no way it could have happened any other way. Yet, it doesn’t stop me from thinking, what if? What if I had stuck to my decision to do Maths and Philosophy and chose Oxford instead of Cambridge – that perhaps I would have graduated with jobs lining up for me. There is honestly no point of looking back. However the truth was, I chose what I felt was the right thing to do, i.e. choose a more “socially acceptable” subject to study, e.g. Engineering, accountancy etc etc. instead of what I wanted to do – Philosophy, religion, politics, economics etc. I was always told, you can always go from Science to Humanities but you can never go from Humanities to Science [To which, I really find it very difficult to agree with - because most of the skills I developed in A-levels such as cross-referencing, analytical thinking in terms of presentation of ideas, not mentioning my eloquant English, have been lost to the endless maths equations I have been forced to commit to memory and now I find completely useless]. Whilst university was supposed to be a place for yearning for knowledge, I find myself struggling to keep up with the curriculum. I wasn’t given the room to think or perhaps I just wasn’t interested enough to even think. Having said that, in my final year when I did put my heart to it, I did manage to get 72% for my final year project. As Oasis’ song goes, don’t look back in anger, I honestly feel there is no point of looking back and thinking what if.

Instead, I am going to think positively. I am stuck in my current position because like my friend said, we are born into debt. The society requires us to stay put because without the financial backing, there is no point of persuing dreams, let alone happiness. I can’t help but think of Marxist comments about Religion being the opium of the people: By making the mass believe in salvation in the afterlife, people stop finding hope in this life and rather in the world after. In a way, the rich will be able to control the poor by telling them, stay put. There are a lot of problems with this argument, nonetheless, historically speaking, religion has been a tool for the powerful to control the masses. In this Godless society (I am not saying that God does not exist, but rather the society rejects His existence as being the imaginary ‘speghetti monster’ astagfirulliah), where the ultimate deity is money – we are geared towards worshipping of money. We are programmed to believe that without money, we will not feel secure, we will not be safe, we will not be happy. So, I am going to start by rejecting this notion that if we have money, all our problems are solved. Whilst I agree that money can bring a level of comfort in my life right now, the only reason why we believe problems will be solved is because we are living in a money-driven society. This is the problem of the egg and the chicken. We are living in a rat-race where the Oxbridge graduates are at the top of the pack, and everyone else is struggling to climb an imaginary ladder which is controlled by the Oxbridge graduates. Sigh…Sorry I don’t mean to be so anti-Oxbridge, 2 of my very good friends got into Oxford and I am very happy for them. Perhaps I am now just generating theories to make myself feel better…

Either way, my point is, I have decided to stop looking for brands, and I’ve decided to stop pretending life would be much better if I had done Philosophy instead of Engineering. I’m going to start going through the Cambridge year 1 Philosophy (Ethics) reading list starting from Repsonibity and Voluntariness. I’m going to read Peter Strawson’s ‘Freedom and Resentment’ and beg this question of freewill, thesis of determinism and console myself that perhaps the option for Oxford’s Maths and Philosophy was always an illusive dream.

Finally, a weekend where I can be at home. I’ve been reading up on the things I should’ve read up on ages ago, for example the last 3 editions of the National Geographic. I’ve came across a few very interesting articles, articles which make me question: “Why am I stitting here when there is the world out there for exploration both culturally and adventurously.” I guess as a western educated individual who was born into a materialistic society, I am programmed to live this class (I was about to use caste) based system where I am programmed to work up this ladder.

I’m always of the opinion that we are a result of our upbringing, the family we come from, the people we went to school with, the things we see along the path of life. I realised I have used ‘path’ synonymous to ‘life’. Perhaps I see that life is a path we all walk, and depending on the things we encounter along the way, we make decisions based on that. I guess for me, I look out for signs and these signs are often events in life I cannot explain. The ancient Greeks would call it the wheel of Fortune, that Fortune herself would turn the wheel and give you ‘luck’. I am a great believer of (pre-)destiny and fate - ‘Qadr’ in Arabic. I do try very best to analyse these events, just as you would be puzzled by a signpost telling you the road to Darwin is west of Sydney: Whether or not these signs are genuine or not. I feel like I am in a cross-road, or in Japanese ‘wakaramichi’ - which coincidentally also means the ‘the road to understanding’ in Japanese. [Sometimes I wonder where I get all these kind of trivias from, I guess my travels and my impulsive nature to find out something different pays off.] With signs, I feel that you need time and patience for it to payoff. Of course, if you went west of Sydney, the road to Adelaide will still eventually take you to Darwin. Perhaps the journey is longer, but at least you will have an unique experience of western Australia instead of the boring old east coast.

There is this Qu’ranic story I want to share about Prophet Moses. Some of you reading it might be familiar with it, but its by far one of my favourite stories. I will quote it in full:

Now tell them about the story of Khizr to whom Allah has given special knowledge. The Prophet Musa (Moses) was asked to go to him and learn from him. When Musa set out to meet him at an appointed place, he said to his young servant: “I will not give up my journey until I reach the junction of the two rivers, even if I have to spend ages in travel.”[60] It so happened that when at last they reached the junction of the two rivers they forgot about the fish they were carrying, which made its way into the river, and disappeared.[61] When they had passed on some distance, Musa asked his young servant: “Let us have our breakfast, really we are worn out with this travelling.”[62] He replied: “You know! I forgot to tell you about the fish, which made its way miraculously into the river, when we were resting beside that rock. It was Shaitãn who made me forget to mention this incident to you.”[63] Musa said: “That is the place we were looking for,” so they went back retracing their footsteps.[64] There they found one of Our servants (Khizr) whom We had blessed with special favor from Ourselves and whom We had given special knowledge of Our own.[65] Musa requested of him: “May I follow you so that you may teach me from that True Knowledge which you have been taught?”[66] He answered: “Surely you will not be able to bear with me,[67] for how can you have patience about that which is beyond your knowledge?”[68] Musa said: “If Allah wills, you shall find me patient and I shall not disobey you in any way.”[69] He said: “If you want to follow me, then do not question me about anything until I tell you about it myself.”[70]

So they set forth, but when they embarked in a boat to cross the river, Khizr made a hole in it. Musa cried out: “Did you make a hole in it to drown its passengers? You have done a weird thing!”[71] He said: “Didn’t I say that you would not manage to have patience with me?”[72] Musa said: “Pardon my forgetfulness, do not be angry with me on account of this mistake.” [73] So they journeyed on until they met a boy, and Khizr slew him. Musa said: “You have killed an innocent person though he had killed nobody. Surely you have done a horrible deed!”[74] Khizr said: “Did I not tell you that you will not be able to bear with me?”[75] Musa replied: “If ever I ask you about anything after this, you may not keep me in your company; for then I should deserve it because you will have an excuse in my case.”[76] They travelled on until they came to the people of a town. They asked them for some food, but they refused to receive them as their guests. There they found a wall on the point of falling down, so he restored it. Musa said: “If you wanted you could have demanded some payment for it!”[77] Khizr replied: “That’s it, this is the parting between you and me. But first I will explain to you those acts of mine which you could not bear to watch with patience.[78] As for the boat, it belonged to some poor fishermen who toiled on the river. I intended to damage it because in their rear there was a king who was seizing every boat by force.[79] As for the youth, his parents are true believers, and we feared lest he would grieve them with his rebellion and unbelief.[80] It was our wish that our Rabb should grant them another in his place, a son more righteous and better in affection.[81] As for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the city and beneath it their treasure was buried. Since their father was a righteous man, your Rabb desired that these children should attain their maturity and take out their treasure. All this was done as a mercy from your Rabb. What I did was not done by my own will. That is the interpretation of those actions which you could not bear to watch with patience.”[82]

I always refer back to that story whenever I make a decision in life. It is very important to know that with all knowledge, there is always the exoteric and the esoteric. I am no expert in explaining the meanings of these knowledge. From my (very limited) understand, the exoteric knowledge is when a knowledge is apparent, perhaps aligned with the philosophical definition of a posteriori knowledge, i.e. knowledge that is or can be derived from experience. So, for example, getting a job, getting married etc. are events based on a posteriori or exoteric knowledge because our parents went through it so based on experience, these must be valid paths to make (or a priori as well since you are deriving the conclusion that these must be a very satisfying life to be living based on some assumptions, i.e. the a posteriori knowledge of your parents). Perhaps my example is a little bit flimsy, but my point is that decisions based on other people’s experiences are of the exoteric knowledge-nature. However, when it comes to the esoteric knowledge, this is the part which fascinates me. So instead of getting married, getting a job etc, the person you are getting married to (how you came about meeting them etc.), the job you get, the people who you meet there etc. Depending if you are spiritual or not, you will or will not believe that there is a higher truth out there. Notice I didn’t use the word religious - because this idea is not religion-specific. And I always think using the word religion takes some people away from the truth since we are always looking out of the label (exterior) and not the substence (interior). Whatever esoteric knowledge you derive, whether from near-death-experience or miracles of some sort or just plain old given a job offer, this is the type of knowledge I would like to base my decisions on. Atheists will think I am a nut-job, but I guess I try to derive a purpose or an explanation behind everything that I experience. I understand that sometimes I might make decisions in life, perhaps now, perhaps later, which might seem impulsive and unreasonable, but I do believe some paths open its doors for me for a reason. I will take it with open arms baring in mind my destination. Sometimes, basing your decisions on faith (such as someone telling you Darwin is west of Sydney), you must (or at least I do) believe that that path was directed to you out of no ‘chances’, and that the reason for it will definitely come to light if you should have the patience to live with it.

At the end of the day, you’ll be glad you walked to path you walked because when you look back, you wouldn’t have want to walk it any other way.

I was in Tescos the other day with my parents. They ran out of normal blue and white bags, and I forgot to bring my own bags. So they were handing out recylable bags. However, the girl over the counter was being stingy and refused to give us a bag for 8 bottles of water. I had a go at her for not providing us with bags. The man standing in line said “I’ll carry it for you”…How embarrassed I felt :S

Today’s company meeting went well…steady growth, a good profit, a good revenue. I’ve got a good enough decent salary.Yet, I am very scared. I’ve just reached 25, went to one of the more “prestigious” unis in the world, with a steady job with a company which is growing strongly and a place to stay etc. I somehow feel that my youth is being robbed from me, or rather I am feeling more and more that I should be somewhere else doing something bigger, better. I am too idealistic they say - that I do not see the world for what it is.

I cannot say I am not motivated by money. At least I am motivated by the quality of life money gives me. Yet, I feel day after day I am picking the petals of a flower waiting for something big to happen. I guess that is one of the beauties of life. Its the unpredictability - when all the roads seem dark and lonely, another door would open. You would grow a little wiser, your belly would grow a little bigger. Talking to Terry yesterday on the phone, I realised that the more I sit here and get glued in the more I feel like I’m wishing my life away. Perhaps its time to do some volunteering, going out to the community.

Yesterday I felt so depressed. A sudden wave of sadness blow over me and I could almost feel tears coming out of my eyes. I blame it on lunch to be honest. I tend to hang out with older men who have families. Oh, on this note, I should also point out they are Indian/Pakistanis  - more on that a bit later on.  They’ll go on about how their wives would make them breakfast, the kids ask them to play football this and that. It struck me - thats it. Thats all there is left in life, getting a 9-5 job, constant salary, go home to your wife and children, watch them grow up, guide them this and that, and wait until the end of time. Then one thing my friend said before we got off the car was “If a man comes to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage, you should look at his adab (manners) and his principles. If he is a good, upright guy then you should never say no. The problem is when people start looking for things like how much money he earns, his status, his class etc.” - And this, my friend, summarises what I believe is wrong with our society, and that is why we have such high rate of divorce, because women find men who can provide more for them - their ego could be fulfilled by another handonistic needs. Same with men - my wife should be pretty and presentable but fail to see what is inside them. Sigh. Then to top it up, my friend decided to send me the article about Goldman Sachs. I felt so depressed, what kind of society am I living in? There is too much disease of the heart as some would put it.

Anyway, I decided to pick some quotes which puts my life back into perspective. There are 3 quotes which has been on my facebook account since God knows when:

Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
~ The Alchemist

“If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”
~ Christopher McCandless (In the Wild)

“Death is always sitting by your side so that when you need to do something important, it will give you the strength and courage you need.”
~Paulo Coehlo (Like the Flowing River)

I need to do something, but yet I don’t know what that thing is. I am afraid to loose it all but what is there to loose if we accept that our wealth will not benefit us in anyway after we die - in fact for judeo-christian-islamic beliefs, wealth could bring you more troubles after you die because you were given more responsibility over wealth which God had entrusted onto us. Yet, I feel my ego rising, my nafs - or what the buddists call ’self’ -  straying. I need the courage for change. Change does not come to a man until he has the courage to seek it. Sometimes I wonder what is my personal legend? What is the means and what is the ends?

Sometimes I think of simpler times when I have been hiking or cycling for 2-3 hrs straight and a bar of chocolate is the greatest luxury in the world. Looking at the recent Heathrow closure, I have reminded myself we take things for granted, to think we have the right to travel to the other side of the world in a few hours is total non-sense. Its a luxury which is betowed on us by grace not by rights.

Change….I wonder who will win the elections! [I couldn’t be bothered to proof read - I apologise for my bad grammar and bad writing style]

I have a feeling I will blog about this again. Thinking back at Paolo Coehlo’s “The Alchemist”, Tariq Ramadan associate it to Islamic Sufism. I don’t know much about Sufism myself, but I shall go about finding out more about it. My initial understanding of Sufism is a Buddhist or Hindu interpretation of Islam - the need to reduce our emotional attachment so that we can detach ourselves from this world to be closer to God or Allah the almighty. In my opinion, its a very extreme practice and belief, one which deviates from the main teachings of Islam. For example the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, used to take a bath and wear perfume before going to the mosque because he wanted to come across as someone who is hygenic and presentable. Wealth in Islam is permissible as long as its been purified by Zakat, or obligatory Charity. I’m not sure what my readers think of Islam. People usually have a very simplistic model of what Islam is all about - the five pillars (The belief in one God, 5 times daily prayers, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage). But little do they realised these are purification methods to purify our souls in this world so that we will be ready for the hereafter. At the end of the day we will only be judged by our hearts.

However, Sufism was not always so extreme. Some consider Sufism to be outside the fold of Islam whilst others saw it was the inner embodiment (the thoughts and the heart) of Islam. I was listening to this talk by Yusuf Hamza (Hanson), an American Islamic Scholar on the purification of the heart. It talks about the various disease we have in our hearts. Its quite universal topic really, whether you are a Christian, Buddhist, Jew or even an atheist, we all suffer from the disease of the heart - whether it be envy, hatred, miser(y). I know I suffer a lot especially in the past. So its very interesting to try and improve myself over the next few years.

Back to the Alchemist, I was watching Panorama on BBC today about the Africans who were called Economic Migrants - who try to get from countries such as Ghana, Nigeria, Niger to Europe. With the need to cross the Sahara desert and the Mediterranean sea, most of them die trying. Then I ask myself, what would it take for me to do an epic journey like this, knowing that I will have to drink my own urine, see my friends die, or drown in the sea from a sinking ship. The only thing I could think of is knowledge. Thinking back at the story of the Alchemist when he travelled thousands of miles in search for his personal legend.  Perhaps in enduring the pain and hardship one would gain some sort of knowledge which was not given to them <- This is purely my own idea.

Al Ghazali - a medieval scholar (it could be someone else, but I think its him) was once crossing the desert with his books at the back of a donkey or camel,and a thief came along to steal his books. He said to the thief, “Please don’t steal my books, all my knowledge is there.” Then the thief laughed at him and said “what kind of knowledge is that that someone could steal from you?” So he knows that true knowledge is that which is committed to memory. A bit like SQL codes - you have to commit the calls into the database.

There is no central theme to this blogpost, but just a random jumble of ideas. I just find that I am once again where I was 6 years ago, hungry for knowledge and hungry for wisdom. They say that Ramadan is a month where the gates of hell are closed (and satan is locked by chains) and the doors of heaven are opened. I do have a very strong feeling I have been pulled back from the torment of hellfire. Just remembering what I felt at the dome in Hiroshima where the atomic bomb fell - the despair in finding comfort in the Godlessness in a secular society - and comparing to now, its truth staring at my face. I’m sure those of you reading my blog might have a sense of frustration or unease because it seems that I have gone from someone who blogged about very generic things in life to suddenly a tone of preaching Islam. But this is part of my life and its a big part of my life, and I wished that I could share it with people around me who I know are most, if not all, from a non-Islamic background.

I wonder when I will embark on my journey in search of knowledge?

I am quite slack in terms of job hunting. Many people question my will and determination on finding a job. Apparently that is measured by the number of companies I have sent my CVs to and how many interviews I have been to. In fact, I do agree that I am very slack on finding a job compared to some of my friends who did try very hard to find a job whilst they were studying.

I am currently interviewing for a company called IFS, Industrial Financial systems. It looks quite promising. If I get this job, I should be able to program in C(++,# etc), by the end of it. I did a logic test last round and somehow a lot of people failed…I wonder why. I have to say IFS does not seem to the biggest of all companies, and a lot of people had been coming up to tell me that they expected me to do something bigger. Perhaps, it seems to be a big drop going from interviewing with one of the world’s top 10 companies (Toyota) and working for one of the largest national companies in Japan to a company which no one had heard of. In fact, I do find working in a big company does help in some ways - for example - applying for a credit card or starting a new mobile phone contract. Back in Japan, being associated with Asahi Kasei did definitely have its advantage in the society. I did feel that sense of respect from people around me whether it was going into a bank or just speaking to people.

Its all very well, and it is also because of this that I have also applied to some bigger companies like Siemens and IBM. Names more recognisable, brands with the words trust and reliabilty attached to them. However, is it necessarily better (from an employee point of view)? Whilst you might trust a laptop by Siemens(-Fujitsu) or IBM (Lenovo), if you are not a fore-runner working in these companies, jobs might just become mudane and the pay (definitely from some positions I am considered for) are minimal. So minimal in fact that I am forced to turn it down even if I am offered one.

For my whole life, I have been attached to big names, whether it be Sha Tin College, Imperial College or Asahi-Kasei, I have always had it easy because I am attached to these big names. People automatically assume that you must be very good to have come from or be part of these large organisations. And yes - there is a great sense of prestige associated with these names. Perhaps less so than the best - there is always KGV, Cambrige or Toyota - but yeah, there are the names which makes people go - huh - this guy might be better than what he seems from the looks.

Whilst in some cases - yes - working for Microsoft might be better than working for an unknown company, working for a smaller company might be a platform to something bigger. You are who you are, and sometimes working in the right condition would actualise the potentials faster.

So what are the priorities when choosing a job? Is it starting salary, branding of company, the potential, or just being happy?

Perhaps it all leads to the same place…I am just letting it flow.

Finished the 2 months of crazy traveling, re-entering my more routine lifestyle of London. I have learnt quite a bit from these 2 months away. It is hard to summarise what had happened in the past weeks and months. I definitely had a good time away from university life and perhaps it allows me to have a more refreshing start to the next decade of my life. Everyone tells me that I have options - that apparently is the optimistic way of putting “I have a degree now - I can work for someone whoever that someone/something might be.”

Just did my IBM online test 1/2 awake, and I kind of messed it up. Then again, I thought I messed it up with Siemens and Toyota but somehow I did ok. Oh well…I didn’t really have much time lately to sit in front of the computer long enough in the past 7 days to actually do the test - and I have to do it within 7 days of recieving the invitation (which ends tomorrow). Strange: less than 8 hours till my flight and I am feeling way too normal. But 1 thing I am certain about is that I am looking forward to start my life in London. I’ve got interview lined up and some exciting days ahead - well exciting meaning something which has to do with my future instead of just doing in the name of fun.

I am confident I will be able to find what it is that I am supposed to do next. I have no clue, but perhaps that is also the joy of life: the unknowns. I find it extremely depressing to dwell on the unknowns because the unknowns cannot be controlled and as a human being who doesn’t have control over these unknowns, it is very easy to become overly pessimistic to ensure that one will not get too depressed by the reality. Perhaps its the lessons of life I have come to learn: never expect. Perhaps when one really masters his own expectations and make it meet with reality, he shall be a happy man. Well, always live in the moment and always be prepared. I don’t really know what that means. I have been trying to understand that lately, but I still don’t really get it. Nonetheless, I have been living my days in Japan, Hong Kong and Australia to its fullest, I can only take with me the good memories of these times, and believe in one thing: Hope. This leads me to recommend a blog post: Hope and Expectations.

I choose to look at this not as a finale of my freedom, but the beginning of a new life and unknowns. It is like jumping off a cliff without a safety net and trusting that the water will carry your weight. For me, life will always be fun on the edge because its やばい (yabai: risky), and the sense of achievement is ecstatic, and of course if you fall, the wound is also that much deeper and painful. But hey, there is always the dutch saying to fall back on: A donkey never fall on the same stone twice. I am definitely not a donkey cause I keep finding new ways of falling on the same stone -_-!!

Tomorrow: London.

I have finally decided to blog after many days of staying away from the internet and experiencing mother earth first hand for the first time in a long time. I finally feel alive again. I finally feel that I don’t need to depend on the virtual world to define my existence, and for the first time in a long time, I can tell you that I am ‘happy’.

Before boarding the plane for Hong Kong, Sun shouted to me as I ascended the escalators, “Go to Australia and find out what you want to do with you life.” Here I am, sitting in a hostel in the Blue Mountains, 10,000 miles away from what I usally call home, I can tell you that I have decided to try out something new, something I have never thought of trying seriously and that is to become a teacher. Perhaps for many people, this path does not seem to be a very ambitious one. For most of my friends would consider working as an Engineer or a banker or something which would earn them a lot of respect and money in society. But I think for all my life, I have always looked for something meaningful to do with my life - and perhaps the decision to become a teacher would be a first step as I could first handedly influence the youths and new generation of our society and be able to make an immediate impact on the world.

Too much has happened here in Australia, and I have experienced the most unusual things being in the outback. Many signs and many stories. I am glad I came here again. It instilled a sense of hope into my life, and I suppose its a great start to my graduate life.

Please forgive me if I hadn’t send an email to ask about how you are nor keep in touch, but be sure to know that I had thought about everyone when I was swaging in the desert with a million stars staring at me next to the camp fire.

Its like hunting in the wild. No…Its like hunting in an area where I have been taught to hunt - but I really haven’t got the core skills needed to hunt in the area I am hunting in! Is really nothing out there except for Engineering and Business? One which you need to be specialised and the other which you need no specialisation at all?

How come I am an Engineering graduate from arguable the world’s most renowned Engineering school but not trained well enough to be an Engineer? URGH. This is so annoying.

Money isn’t real. It doesn’t matter. It only seems like it does.

I came across this quote today as I am becoming more and more broke. Man, I really hope I can leave the UK without being in the reds.

Finding a job seems to be more and more the only right thing to do (since I don’t have money). Maybe if I don’t find a job by the end of these 3 weeks, I will try find one in Hong Kong. It only seems right that I return to the place which I grew up and was educated in. It had been a good 5 years abroad, but a man must recognise his home for that is the dearest possession to him. But of course, if I have a job with good money here in the UK why not stay here?

Such a capitalistic pig - me.