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I am just reading my about page – something which I haven’t changed in a long time now. There was this quote in Chinese, which must be given to me by Ning Ning or one of those Chinese girls back in Japan: “即使他想要将自己归于一处土地，其实也没有一个地方可以真正包含所有的他。反过来也是，他有多于一个可以回去的地方” – It roughly translates to, “Even though he wants to bound himself to a place, there is actually no place which could accept all that he is. Or another way to look at it, he has many places he can return to.” I think that really summarises me very well. I don’t really belong anywhere, I don’t really have somewhere I could really call ‘home’. I remember my grandma used to always ask me before I board my plane for the UK, “Do you not consider Hong Kong as your home? It’s strange, you grow up here, you speak the language, you have family and friends here but yet you don’t consider it home.” I think there was a big part of her which wanted me to feel at home in Hong Kong, but I knew the day I left Hong Kong for good, I couldn’t really go back. Perhaps that was the reason why she asked me to buy a house here in the UK.
It is days like this, Eid, where I feel most at lost. In the Islamic tradition, you would spend tomorrow with family. Yet, I don’t really have a family here. My brother and I live together, yet, he doesn’t see much value in festivals such as these, and he has classes 9am-5pm. To be honest, I never used to too. As I said in my previous blogpost, most Muslims see me as a convert. There aren’t much hope for people like us because most of my non-Muslim friends wouldn’t have a clue about my need to worship when I could be out playing fireworks. Most of my Muslim friends who celebrates Eid belong to a community where I do not really want to impose my presence upon. Hence, here I am, stuck between the two seas, always doing my own thing.
Tim invited me to Oxford tonight to play fireworks and to celebrate his birthday. Ednan invited me to his place tomorrow morning for Eid with his family in Aylesbury. Yet, I am having such an identity crisis lately that I don’t want to go to either. Perhaps this is the beginning of the demise for me. The more I think about it, the more I get thrown into the edge of my mind where everything becomes all dark. It is times like this where I need religion to make me sane and happy.
I am then reminded of all the things I have in my life. All the good friends, all the families scattered around the world, my brother (and his cooking), my parents in Hong Kong, my grandmother, my Quran Teacher…Then I think, man, I am so blessed sometimes I am not thankful enough. On this blessed day of Arafat, where Muslims all around the world save up their money to go on Hajj to stand on Mount Arafat where Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings upon him, gave his last sermon (or Kutbah in Arabic), I am reminded of all those who are less fortunate than me, who has lost their families in the Arab Spring, who are orphaned, blinded, disabled – and I really think I have nothing to complain about compared to them.
Steadfastness is one thing which I have to learn. Sometimes being dead center, staying at the point where the two seas meet, is one of the hardest things to do.
As I sat there in Tajweed class today, I realised some of my duas were answered. As some might know, I wanted to work/volunteer for Charity for a long time. My teacher and my fellow classmate both works/worked in Charity. My fellow classmate who is Libyan works very closely with Yusuf Islam, or better known in the western world as Cat Stevens. They are starting a new small charity, and perhaps with time, I could be involved in a few projects they do. Slowly, slowly I think I could work towards helping humanity. As a humanitarian, I am happy being able to help.
I came across something in my reading lately, “The ego is an enemy, and an enemy should never be trusted. It is in effect the worst of enemies, as the Messenger of God, may blessings and peace be upon him has said, ‘Your worst enemy is your ego which is between your flanks.’” The last 10 days I have been fasting, really trying to break my ego, but sometimes I wonder what has been broken – my ego or me?
What have I figured out? – This is a long long road. Sometimes things which you think may be good for you might end up being bad for you, and things you thought is bad for you might end up being good for you. I pray that God forgives me for all my shortcomings, for all that I know I have done wrong and those hidden from me. I hope that this will be a turning point for me to become a better human being.