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talfryn.net (9 unread)

June 29, 2010
17:17
Cease, I say!
» ‎ talfryn.net

At the heart of every frustration lies a basic structure: the collision of a wish with an unyielding reality.

The collisions begin in earliest infancy, with the discovery that the sources of our satisfaction lie beyond our control and that the world does not reliably conform to our desires.

And yet, for Seneca, in so far as we can ever attain wisdom, it is by learning not to aggravate the world’s obstinacy through our own responses, through spasms of rage, self-pity, anxiety, bitterness, self-righteousness and paranoia.

A single idea recurs throughout his work: that we best endure those frustrations which we have prepared ourselves for and understand and are hurt most by those we least expected and cannot fathom. Philosophy must reconcile us to the true dimensions of reality, and so spare us, if not frustration itself, then at least its panoply of pernicious accompanying emotions.

~ Alain de Botton, The Consolations of Philosophy
June 25, 2010
17:20
Floods and erosion
» ‎ talfryn.net

Today was exceptionally bad. Not just the weather.

Stared at emails, couldn’t reply. Stared at the screen, couldn’t type. Stared at papers, couldn’t read. Sat in meetings, couldn’t talk.

Feeling so fatigued all the time, although I’ve already been getting more sleep than usual.

Being poooh-ed into a downward spiral.

Since when did I start becoming so self-destructive? So full of doubt? So irritable, so full of anxiety? So unable to cope?

Lunchtimes, the outdoors, the cinema – these are but temporary relief, only for as long as they last.

This crippling inability to do pretty much anything at all, including the thing I need to do most urgently, is such torment!

So much counts for nothing; so little for so much.
June 23, 2010
18:28
Suuuck
» ‎ talfryn.net
11:34
A stretch of wild grass
» ‎ talfryn.net

On Monday – new grounds for exploration. A bumslide down a slope onto the undisturbed banks of a canal, knee-high vegetation and hidden pits. A little tame on the faunal side, lots of butterflies, skippers and about two dozen species of spiders – the coolest one we found was this dung spider which I overlooked and a colleague spotted.

Concrete divide

Bird dung orb spider (Pasilobus sp.)

Grasshopper nymphs

Lawn wolf spider

Crab-eating frog (?)
June 20, 2010
17:49
Back to Venus
» ‎ talfryn.net

Last night’s foray into Venus Drive was a much-needed break from civilisation. I am starved for such trips, which have become a luxury in these months of late. Fumbling over my set-up and missing critters along the path at the beginning, it took a while to get back into the swing of things. Hearing the high-pitched buzz of mozzies or feeling the strands of spider silk on the face… ahh. It may be annoying, but… ahh! I feel alive.

Having experienced a relatively rainy week I thought that we could see the bioluminescent mushrooms out in force, but alas, only singlets were found.

Praying mantid with ootheca (egg case)

Tetragnatha spider strumming her web

A Gnaphosid spider

Possibly a Pisaurid?

I was shining my UV torch onto a tree looking at the scorpions, when I noticed that the
bark had glowing dots. Fungi perhaps?

There have been reports of the dense vegetation along the stream being cleared; that night under the light of the torch, I saw the scene of destruction for myself. What distressing silliness for what we suspect may be a want for more concrete!
June 17, 2010
17:40
Perpetual stream
» ‎ talfryn.net

We watch we frown we sprint we stumble we try we do we bicker we tolerate we work we play we listen we worry we munch we starve we want we refuse we moan we laugh we question we find we fly we sink we read we forget we blink we sleep we complain we share we promise we pretend we don’t care but we do we pause the butterfly is still caged its wings are tattered we continue we wait we hope we [can] [never] stop
June 03, 2010
13:07
Building trust
» ‎ talfryn.net

The most mistrustful of our kings made himself secure mainly by voluntarily surrendering his life and entrusting his liberty to the hands of his foes, showing complete trust in them so that they might learn trust from him… It is an excellent way to win the heart and mind of another man to go and trust him, putting yourself in his power – provided it be done freely, quite unconstrained by necessity, and on condition that the trust we bring is clear and pure, and that at least our brow is not weighed down by hesitations.

~ Montaigne, The Complete Essays (1587-88)
June 02, 2010
17:24
Breakout
» ‎ talfryn.net

There has been no improvement. In fact, it’s getting worse, and it’s coming to a stage where my brain feels so numbed it might as well cease functioning. It’s been months of degeneration, months of being washed away by non-thoughts.

Having a good sense of what’s worth my energy and what isn’t, I pick my tasks carefully, even when I may not have the liberty to do so, even when I shouldn’t be doing so. I fear being shaped into just another cog, falling prey and subservient to a system that works to twist your beautifully formless and expandable being full of potential into a box of superficiality, irrationality, boot-licking and one that most certainly runs on the Peter Principle. The more they try to bring me further from my original scope, the deeper I am thrust into the abyss and the harder I’d fight to resist. And fighting back doesn’t bode well for me. ‘Exposure’, they call it. Exposure it sure is, and while I’m grateful for it, it’s exposure to things I’d rather not see. While it can be true that knowledge is power, knowledge can also cripple. A poor player at the game, I’m far more productive not knowing. The process of burning out isn’t so much from the actual work – in fact I have been putting in less hours than I used to; and I do like being kept meaningfully busy, as any of my friends can attest to – but from this struggle and inability to find growth and significance. There’s been a gross misalignment of values and what I’m willing to accept and be a part of. But I should’ve known that from the beginning. And perhaps I am being harsh in my judgement, over-dramatic in my response; these things, I reckon, do happen, everywhere. To different degrees. But.

The unfortunate congruence of ill-timed events are stalling my plans and I no longer have control… perhaps I never did. I cannot see beyond the next two weeks, and I hate it. I need the break, but am not allowed to, not… ‘entitled’ to. I desperately need the clarity of mind and the energy to see my now-faint hopes through to actuality, but in this state I lack both.

It’s a vicious cycle which I cannot get out of; I don’t know how to.

Yet I stayed, and stay on, and I will continue to give all that I can in capacities I deem would enable me to contribute whatever I can, while I can. And I will work to create some of these opportunities, while wrestling myself away from those that are bestowed upon the selected, supposedly privileged few. It may not be for that long but I’m determined not to emo the time away.

People say that the great thing about discontentment is that it can motivate you to seek out a life you actually might find worth living. But am I being too… idealistic? Too naive? Immature? Words used by well-meaning cynics of an older generation who are quick to deliver harsh warnings of the nature of reality. Is the pursuit of contentment – not even happiness – too much to ask for?

Humanity is not without flaws, neither is civilisation, neither am I.

Que sais-je!
June 01, 2010
18:17
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talfryn.net (9 unread)

Cease, I say!

Floods and erosion

Suuuck

A stretch of wild grass

Back to Venus

Perpetual stream

Building trust

Breakout

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