To look life in the face

Ah le silence… je dois me bien reposer avant de partir…

Je ne serais pas la pendant trois mois. Je ecrirais peut-etre des Etats Unis, je ne sais pas…

… Et je reviendrais quand le nouveau vin est pret… 

Mon, 20th April

Long day of travelling. Everybody commented about new haircut. Left for airport after lunch. Fiddled with self check-in machine, "mon premiere fois de jouer avec la systeme". Flight landed early, though had to take bus to Heuston statio. Made friendly chat with English woman living in central Ireland. Group of french tourists sitting beside. Family, here to visit daughter. She recounted her experience with english in Ireland. Family was fascinated. Strange to hear a familiar language in a foreign land, where the language of english is so foreign to me. Should have taken a flight to Cork. I still prefer Swiss trains. I'm jitterish about this conferenc,e about what Dieter said to me last week. Hope I'll perform. Have to rest my nerves.

Thurs, 23rd April

The conference just finished yesterday. Quite disppointed that my project didn't really interest anyone on this side of the continent. Perhaps I didn't sell my work well enough. Perhaps the problem lies with AMB. People need to know. I need to revise my poster. It is not legible and reader-friendly enough. Maybe to omit methods, point form, concentrate on AMB and the players involved. Didn't see Dow, O'Gara only appeared for prize presentation. Didn't get chance to speak to Williams (P). Imperial group consisted of Cate, Robern, Dan the drinker, Mohair Tim and the girl, what's her name? Just couldn't really fit in. They're not very open, not very worldly, and talked mainly about alcohol. We had 15 eur pizze for first day. Dan talked about getting drunk to 'relax'. Now it hits home to me. Ended up with the Germans fro mthe same B & B, Andre, Ramiro and Marina. There was also Christin who works in Graz. Ramiro knows Edith. Much more comfortable company.

Sat, 26th April

Parted rather reluctantly with the German group after looking around Cork in the morning. Lunched at the Old English market where Andre gave a comment about the burnt sausage. Headed to Blarney castle after we parted, and there met Romeo. Rather touristy. I have yet to send an email to him. The three of us looked around the castle and its grounds, there was an Aussie girl here in Europe to attend a wedding. Can't remember names. I didn't kiss the Blarney stone, it didn't look very clean. Rather liked the garden, although the house wasn't open for visiting. Parted again in Cork, and I took a three-hour train to Dublin to meet Jasmine. Dont know if it was strange for her. I felt altogether comfortable in her presence, although we haven't known each other for long. I miss asian food. They've got some good restaurants in Dublin. You just need to know where to eat. Was lucky with the rooms at the hostel, although location wasn't great. Ireland was on the whole cold, dark and rainy until I left on saturday. Miniature London, not exactly my place to be.

After a recent bad encounter with silent farting in a packed cellar, this thought's been disturbing my mind:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/manchester/7984554.stm

Look what I've found:

http://www.state.gov/g/drl/rls/hrrpt/2008/eap/119056.htm

Come monday, the first thing I will do is to buy a pair of ski boots before the sports shops change their shelves. It's SICK, wearing a pair of soggy boots that you know isn't because of your sweat…

One find love and betrayal at any age.

At 20, you're too young and inexperienced to be employed.

At 30, you're too old for your first job.

At 40, you get what they call a "mid-life crisis".

At 50, you are the first to go during a recession.

At 60, you might as well retire.

So it really doesn't matter how old you are - there's no difference!

I've lived in three countries over the 25 years of my life. Two are in Europe, one in Asia where I was born. Come summer, I will be moving across the Atlantic for three months. I believe I have seen enough to be able to think, much to be able to judge. I don't want to address the topics of friendships and relationships, love and trust, philosophy and psychology today. I want to reveal to you, reader, how I see my home country, Singapore.

Today marks two weeks exactly since I've left. I feel very much like a tourist, more than I've ever been before. Ever heard the chinese saying, "当局者迷，旁观者清“？For the two weeks I've been back, I haven't felt assimilated. Perhaps I never was, and sadly I never will be. It's too easy to tell by my accent - both in English and in Mandarin - that I'm "not from around here". But listen, it's not only the way I speak. The differences run deeper than that. 

Family and acquaintances keep asking me, "How many years do you have left? When will you be returning". And all the time I skirt the question, saying there are at least three years until I finish my PhD. What I am witholding is how much I am sure I will not return. Only close friends, and ironically my Dad seem to understand. The answer, a much better answer that would have only been truthful would be, "Let's put it this way, Singapore wouldn't have anything to offer for what I want to do."

I used to think myself weak and undesirable in the eyes of the Singapore system. Indeed, I have never been a scholar, I never 'won', for I failed to pass the second test for the 'gifted' education program, and I didn't get 4 As for my GCE 'A' levels. In the eyes of the Singaporean community, I am a failure, as I paid my way through a degree at Imperial. Yes, incredible, isn't it? Well, this is the fruit of a 'meritocratic' society. A 'meritocratic' society so focused on 'merit' in terms of academic results at school that they disregard everything else, especially creativity. Ironically of course, there is so much talk of nurturing creativity! Here's a story - I only really gained some confidence when I found myself a lab placement at Imperial during my second year there. Quite unfortunately, I was up against a much too self-confident A-star scholar, who consistently scored As and who was always comparing himself to me. More unfortunately, I thought he was a good friend. Well, he didn't take it well when I was taken on. Instead, he sent what I found out later to be a  'really nasty' email to the PhD student who took me on. And since then he had issues with the entire lab. 

Here's another - an ex-boyfriend and his family never took it well that I did one lab placement after another. For those of you scientists out there, we all know that getting lab placements are really not a big deal. The problem is, when you have a very competitive boyfriend and his family who are constantly comparing you to him and who are jealous of your success, you've hit homerun. Things start to get difficult, because you're not supposed to do well, since you're not a scholar, and he is… well… an EDB scholar, known to be one of the most competitive government scholarships. And of course you get labelled as lucky, paying your way to your future, and other ridiculous accusations such as bad upbringing.

Well. All that was in the past. The point is, how can one return to a country where:

• One is paid not by qualifications but by citizenship. Seriously - if I were to return and work in A-star, I would earn less than somebody else with the exact same qualifications as I do (or even lower maybe), but who holds an EU passport, for example. Incredible?

• One gets a promotion (in the government) not based on one's skills, but based on one's exam results at 18. Missed that? Ahemm where do I start? When you are 18, you take your GCE 'A' levels. Those exam results alone (although they say it's decided according to other achievements as well…) determine whether you get a government scholarship. And then of course, they put you on a fast-track programme so you sit somewhere at the top before you are 30. Which means that it doesn't actually matter how much experience you have, if you have never been a scholar, you'll hit the glass ceiling pretty soon. 

And most shocking of all,

• One is jailed because one is poor and cannot afford to pay PARENT maintenance fees. You've got to laugh at this. It is called the "Maintenance of parents act". Just google it. Well, I happen to know a middle-aged woman, single, divorced, two kids who've just started and finished Uni. She's had a difficult childhood, having been abused by her mother. For many years, she's been self-employed, a tuition teacher, which is a rather respectable job. But then the financial crisis hit hard and she found it difficult to make ends meet. She found a job at a chinese publishing company, but soon found herself on the retrenchment list when they decided to shrink their workforce. Then she found herself a position as a freelance journalist. Respectable job eh? Just didn't have a penny. Now her 80 year-old mother, who has a 5-digit sum of money in her bank account sued her, because she hasn't been paying the agreed sum of $150 a month for a few months. Of course, you see, she hasn't been very lucky with the finances. And so what did they do? (I'm summarising this up) They locked her up. Twice. A respectable freelance journalist making an honest living, locked up behind bars because she was poor, because she couldn't pay $150 a month for maintaining her mother, who has abused her when she was a child. Funny eh? I really would like to know which other country has such a law…

Well, if you can't beat them, join them. OR if you have a choice, think twice about joining them. This, my friends, is my home country. Welcome to Singapore!  :D 

Oh, there's lots to do next. LOTS, I tell you. Needless to say, life moves on. I finally see the end in sight for this terribly long first-year report. And then there's french, and there are the belly dancing classes, will check out the gym as long as the winter lasts. More time with friends and new friends. More skiing, more outings around the Lémanic region and the countries surrounding, cities I've promised myself to visit, including Lyon, Milan, Cremona… I want to go back to the Bodensee. I want to visit Jordan, Petra, the Dead Sea. And of course, I need to work towards my dream job… an international career. 

Alors, cette année, je vais aller à deux conférences. Une en Irlande et une ici à Lausanne. Il n'est pas possible pour attender la troisième, à Hamburg, parce que je vais déménager… non, pas vraiment déménager, je vais travailler aux États-Unis! C'est une bonne chance, et je dois profiter de l'occasion pour visiter les États-Unis. Il sera mon première fois d'y aller. Je vais travailler dans un laboratoire d'un scientifique très connu, pour trois mois, à Harvard. Il était un rêve et maintenant, je suis réveillée, je vais le vivre! Le cours de français va commencer ce vendredi. Regarde toi - je peux déja écrire un paragraphe, et il était seulement une année!

The Game of Life

Roll the dice and now think twice,

the turn is yours, the stakes are high.

If in a choice you found a blight,

don't curse your luck, but keep on high. 

Draw a card and next decide,

call the shots it's on your side.

If by mistake you missed the time,

don't hang up, it will arise.

Then just before the wells run dry,

if seen a chance that you should try, 

be sure to sow your seeds in time,

for you shall reap the harvest of life.

X Lee, for J., 7th Jan 2008 

I was so angry (and still am) with myself on Saturday. What was supposed to be a nice trip to the Musee de l'Elysee turned out to be a regretful one. Somebody stole my scarf! Right, there wasn't a Garderobe, there was only a clothes rack behind the front door. I did think once (not twice) before hanging my coat and my scarf there. Should I take the scarf with me? But then I though, "Oh well, it's Switzerland!" Besides, everybody else left their coats there.

Thing is, it's not JUST a scarf. It's a cashmere. And not JUST a cashmere scarf, it's a gift from Dad. He may not remember having bought me that, but it means something to me. A LOT to me. You see, it's different. If I had bought it myself, no matter how expensive it may cost, it would hurt, but not as much as this. This is like tearing a part of myself away.

(It's 10:45 pm here in Lausanne, and it's snowing outside)

On a different note, I decided to send off my application for security access at the CHUV. It'll be for another few months of what I hope will be experiments that'll pay off. I haven't yet received my new Autorisation de sejour (permit) which I would need for the application, but that could take up to months to reach me. So we decided it was best to send a copy of my work contract instead. Now that was tough - I'd search my apartment and my desk, and still could see no sign of it. I decided I'd misplaced it. Until I got home today only to find my new permit waiting in the letter box! Of course for the sake of myself, I decided it would be best anyway to find that work  contract. And it took me no longer than 5 mins rummaging through my bedside table.

Was it meant to be that I wouldn't find my work contract until today? Then is it meant to be that I lose the scarf?