To look life in the face

Just received my results for the last project - it's made my weekend. :) Nothing to say than that one should never underestimate one's own abilities. Especially when all else seems to be going against you, just like that time a few months ago. When my course convenor, Yuri, told me what I was looking towards with those grades, I said to him, "thanks Yuri. But I'm not too worried about getting that, I just want to do my best." Having grown up in a society where there is harsh competition, where even relatives compare merits, where those closest to you get jealous of your achievements, what more does it say about the mindset of such a society? Their minds are poisoned. So was mine. So poisoned it was that it took years to cleanse, and now there still remains that stain, faint yet still visible, and you can tell I was once such a vermin. Dear me, you think, what propaganda leads to this?

I need a daily dose of morals, which I am finding hard to administer ever since I've started on this new project. It is also time to settle housing both here for the summer and in Lausanne. Anyhow, I have to find time to deliberate on Confucianism. But for now,

"言寡忧, 行寡悔" (yan gua you, xing gua hui)

- To speak without worries, to act without regret

The latter is always easier than the former. That does not mean that one should start with the latter and then practice the former. It is much easier to deliberate on one's actions as they take more time and effort to effect. One has more time, before carrying out the act, and while carrying out the act to think if it is indeed righteous, if it is indeed apt, if it will not hurt, and if one will not regret. But words are easily spoken, and often it is not simply a question of truth and dishonesty, not only it being the appropriate moment, but also whether it is the appropriate person. It matters what your audience thinks, whether your words will hurt him/her. It is simply not enough to be honest.

But that is not to say that one should not give advice if needed. It means how the advice is to be given should be considered. If it falls on deaf ears, then stop harping on it. If it is an exchange of opinions, all the more one should not be harsh in pushing through one's own opinions, but respect those of the other party. 

I have yet to master this, and it may well take ages, I may never be fully able to attain this even when I leave. But this should definitely be part of my set of principles to live life. Especially to those around me, especially when situations call for it. And yet I see myself breaking it everyday, with my words. Not that someone tells me they've been hurt, but that I have not considered, before speaking, if it might hurt. So that's something to deliberate on…

What is deja vu and why do we experience it?

Those who believe in reincarnation propose that these are scenes from previous lives. Perhaps because I have been trained to think scientifically, everything has to be presented with evidence before I am willing to believe. How accurate then is Ian Stevenson's work on reincarnation?

'Tis the Sunday before my third project begins tomorrow. Another 12 weeks holding my breath before freedom comes again. It is Mothers' Day today, and under pressure from the QuGeeians, this post has to be written. Not that I am against writing this anyway, it is simply laziness.

The song is <<真的愛妳>> by Beyond. Meaningful lyrics, not the usual "I love you"s or "You dumped me"s typical of pop songs.

《真的愛妳》

曲：黃家駒　詞：小美　編：BEYOND

> Xiaoyun, Jac, YSS
無法可修飾的一對手　帶出溫暖永遠在背後
縱使囉唆始終關注　不懂珍惜太內咎

> Kwok Hei, YGG
沉醉於音階她不讚賞　母親的愛卻永未退讓
決心衝開心中掙扎　親恩終可報答

> Terry, Vincent, Kamil
春風化雨暖透我的心　一生眷顧無言地送贈

> All
是妳多麼溫馨的目光　教我堅毅望著前路
叮囑我跌倒不應放棄
沒法解釋怎可報盡親恩　愛意寬大是無限
請准我說聲真的愛妳

> Kwok Hei, YGG
仍記起溫馨的一對手　始終給我照顧未變樣
理想今天終於等到　分享光輝盼做到

Voices of Qugee 

Apologies to those trained to read simplified chinese. It took us an hour to record this, tampering with noise reduction and the like. I don't quite understand what the engineers did to it. Kamil added his voice using a mixer, goes to show how international QuGee is getting!

See related blog posts in QuGee: Jacq, Terry, Kamil, Vincent

When one is tired of London, one is tired of life.

I embark on a journey to the heart of V. Woolf's childhood tomorrow. It is only a short walk from the family house at No. 22 Hyde Park Gate to Kensington Gardens. How utterly unaware I have been that Kensington was once the nesting area for "the aristocracy of intellect". It must inspire me in some way.

This blog could make do with some light-hearted posts.

I just happened to take a glance at a R's blog today in L's presence, the both of us having absolutely nothing to do after her exams and after my report's been handed in. And I mean absolutely nothing. I still cannot understand why we did what we did. I haven't actually watched a beauty pageant since I was 7 or 8.

We first started scrutinising Miss Sg Universe 2007 contestants, then convinced there weren't any that fit our idea of beauty, we went on to look at Miss HK 2006 including past winners, thinking we would find something better. Boy, were we shocked! Then a rather silly thought occurred, and we actually checked out their masculine equivalents - all I can say is that… it will take me some time to recover from the horror. Better to check out the real thing, we thought. So guess where we went next? Yes, it's none other than Miss U and Miss W! Now we're talking… And then we finally arrived at the homepage of Mr W… dear me, I think some of them can use more clothes…

Imagine two researchers, less than perfect figures, supposedly well-educated and learned, spending a whole hour in front of an old Toshiba, laughing, giggling at photos of women AND men… I don't know which is worse - the action itself or the actual idea of it… 

A progression so fast and furious as this needs to be checked for fear of an anarchy of the mind. Conflicting thoughts and attitudes rage in a war of self-denial against recognition. The recovery phase has reached its peak and a state of the mind surfaces that has for so long been buried under layers of rubble. "Tread carefully for the mind slides easily from reality. Wave them about no more, pen them down in detail and create a vision."

(The above was written almost a month ago now) 

Few know myself better than I do, and fortunately there are a handful around me. It is not so much that I let my guard down in their company - some of them see right into me. It is a pleasure being diagnosed about my state of mind by one who is clear about his own thoughts. Because isn't it how it starts? One has to help oneself before others. 

Perhaps it's time to identify the root of the problem - that being psychological projection. My prescription is to write, and to write in detail I must. Which perhaps calls for multiple levels of restriction as one tends towards enunciating the internal monologue. Even so, one has to allow the flow of emotions and not to stifle them, but to watch the rise and ebb of these waves. Excessive energy should not be quelled, but spent on other activities. Understanding the self is the core issue here.

On that note, I wonder if the internal monologue is enough to quench the thirst of a creative mind? Must one, or should one conduct useful dialogue, or do meaningful actions, or even make ideas known through media and the arts? And what would be the outcome of a Kunstler(in) as such living in an oppressive state such that there exists not even the freedom of thought, what would be his/her fate? When such a right is taken away, when that right is regarded equivalent to the right to breathe, to eat, to live, to love… (Das Leben der Anderen) How can one then draw the line between a human and an animal?