To look life in the face

Alluding to Virginia Wolf in A Room of One’s Own, Alida Brill states that the
mirror women have so long held up to men—a mirror that exaggerates and
flatters male attributes—has increasingly projected a more realistic image since
women’s entry into public life. However, she cautions, many men resent these
newer projections and therefore fight against them.21 Some argue that in many
cases, women politicians have become “just like other men” in their attitudes—
usually meaning aggressive, manipulative, unfair or any of a number of pejorative
adjectives. Others contend that many women in public life have studiously avoided
taking up issues particularly (but by no means only) relevant to women’s welfare
or interests. Brill therefore asks again: “Is there a woman’s voice in politics
which is unique? Does it really make a difference that women have achieved
political office? Would it be just as good if there were more men in politics
world-wide who were sympathetic to the women’s agenda?”

- UNDP (2000) Women's Political Participation and Good Governance: 21st Century Challenges. In: Beijing + 5: Women's Political Participation: Review of Strategies and Trends.

It's mid-autumn festival today! And I did not have mooncakes, but what I had was chese fondue moitie moitie. :) *Mmm* I obviously bought too much cheese though, there were five of us and I had bought a portion for four. But I found myself eating alone towards the end, and there was still half a pot full of cheese. Ok, didn't factor in the asian diet!

Went around Little India today with JGL, for the first time in my life! It is almost embarassing to say that I was brought up as a Singaporean, went to government schools all my life. I suddenly feel I am quite uneducated about my own country! What struck me most was that despite mildly racist comments I have been hearing from my (extended) family all my life, it surely didn't make me feel that way today at Little India. We were more than welcome. 

I shall blog about it another time, after MBTI and Chinatown. Things have just been too busy recently and I am facing a deadline for this friday. Yes, another commitment. And I've been scouring touristy places for postcards to send, but haven't found any particularly interesting. Perhaps some of Jacq's photos would do… hehehehe! 

Been chatting with my mom again tonight on the car, discussing relationships. I'm grateful that these past few months of my life have been peaceful but not bland. I want this feeling to carry on. But of course, I had my fair share of heart-breaking moments almost a year ago now. It takes a long time for the soul to recover from such ill-treatment. All three of us in this house are at different phases in how we deal with relationships, and of course our ideals are different too. It is good to know that I have finally reached the end in my search for the answer as to what constitutes a healthy relationship & what my ideal partner should be like. Needless to say, it goes beyond 'blond-haired, glasses'… :D

It's one of those evenings when I'm alone in my room, music playing in the background, feeling dejected again. What about this time? Probably that sense of loss, that things around me are so wrong and yet there is nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do to help it get better except maybe to leave. Why have I just committed myself to something that binds me to home again? The mere FRUSTRATION!

Why do people fuss about their weddings? So much such that it becomes a chore just organising it? What are people thinking behind that facade they are presenting? What's wrong with being on 'mama-papa scholarship'? Why can't a primary school teacher watch her words? Why do people take grudges? Why do people judge based on solely academic results? Why are people obsessed with money? How can one lead a life that revolves only around restaurants, pubs, the office, shopping centres and the cinema? How can men go about their lives just playing computer games? Why does our state condone a double-standard pay scheme? How can a people not speak up against injustice? 

Once again I had to defy convention to do what I want. Sure enough, people in THIS society wouldn't understand, they wouldn't see the point unless you get 'somewhere', when your actions speak for themselves, literally screaming 'shut up'! And then people approach from the other angle, with all their bootlicking. Oh enough with the boasting, I want to be just myself, just another person in this state, doing something that seems meaningful to me. Enough with the boasting, my credentials are mine and they haven't got anythign to do with you no matter the 'family ties'!

From AWARE's CEDAW oral statement:

"Incentives are inadequate (see Article 11, page 71; points 11.38-11.41) for flexible work arrangements to become a norm. Absence of policies at the National level - for example on provisions for unpaid paternal leave or across-board paternity leave – only serve to entrench the ‘men as heads of household’ stereotype." 

Kudos, Germany! If not for the high taxes, I would seriously consider moving there. 

The beginning. Kai1 shi3. Hoi chi. Das Anfang.

I will start tomorrow, probably 'training' to promote the society for the Tunnel Party on Saturday. Received an email today from M as well, Manager for Corporate Administration at the society.

Having been a city girl all my life, born and bred as a middle-class citizen of my country, most of the 'gender equity' issues I have faced so far don't go beyond 'who does the housework' and 'who pays for dinner'. Finally, I may be able to find the answers that I have been looking for all my life. Starting tomorrow.

Just a side note, JGL and I were sitting under a coconut tree today outside Ngee Ann City. A boy not older than 16 came up to us asking for a donation. After giving him money with some hesitation, he asked us, "Are you from Sg? Because I hear your accent…" 

Dearest red passport, I'm afraid I am 'sort of' from here…

Just came back from Karaoke with my ex-colleagues. Have I been away so long? I couldn't even find my way to Orchard Road from City Hall today. The clothes I left in my wardrobe 4 years ago have gone mouldy. I couldn't recognise any songs at the Karaoke lounge. Even my softball glove has gone mouldy… And looking at the soft toys I played with years ago, I realised there will come a day when everything will fall apart. 

Four years of absence will be topped with another four years. My accent has changed, and it's so difficult to speak Singlish again. I have an urge to speak cantonese all the time. I'm seeing frowns. People are telling me I won't be coming back after all. It's stifling. I want to cycle, but the only place to do that is East Coast Park. I need some time alone, or time with someone I can relate to. 

Perhaps it's been the past year especially, after the departure of two people who have always tied me to home emotionally and psychologically. I have shrugged off my reigns, and I feel that I might have wandered too far. So far that I wish I hadn't been so ambitious, that I wish I were 'one of them', 'normal' like everyone else. 

Interesting article that Jacq showed me:

http://www.talfryn.net/2007/05/31/yatck/

It's the YATCK syndrome! *gasp*

*To look up Pollock & van Reken* 

Mission for today is to buy mooncakes & to look for a salon where I can have a haircut for SGD40. :)

Perhaps this is what one calls an identity crisis? I've been back for two days now and I'm having a culture shock… It's probably to do with my cousin's wedding.

So as I said, I've been made bridesmaid and ring bearer. Went down to Grandma's place yesterday and had dinner with Dad and all three aunts (they're all in their 50s - 60s). It's just odd… it's not that I want to be vengeful or that I still have 'attachments', but somehow it's hard to believe their change in attitude, a warmth that seems to reach a climax every time I return. I think it's to do with a very complex mindset of a typical immigrant chinese population. At least I am able now to converse comfortably in cantonese - it helps. Looking at them discuss the formalities of my cousin's wedding though, I get more convinced by the minute about my distaste for such planned 'happy' events, thoughts that I kept to myself at the dinner table, of course.

Will I return eventually? Dad was obviously hoping that I'd do so. The very first words he uttered when we met, apart from talk about Grandma, was that there are now 'so many opportunities' for overseas graduates here. To do what? To do what they want us to do? What now about the GST hike, the increase in transport fares, 'competitive' salaries and benefits? Gosh, imagine a 4% increase in GST over the past four years! Things are much more expensive that I imagined them to be, my imagination being the country I remembered four years ago, and this is not reflected in our payrise. Now they say, the opening of the Venetian Macau Resort Hotel will pose a problem. And let's not speak of my political views, even I am confused by them. How can I return?

I am now beginning to see my country and its people in a different light, literally and metaphorically. Just cannot put a finger to it exactly though, things are changing and so are my views. I'll take a day to walk, just walk and take photos. Saw an article this morning in the papers about our people overseas, 'sticking together', for social comfort, for political networking and for the lack of curiosity of their surroundings. Couldn't help but identify with it. Will I be what we call here a 'second-class' citizen in another country?

Oddly enough, it is at home where I feel most comfortable with my thoughts. Even though Mom is now occupied with other people, we still have the time to discuss our views on many issues, some differing. I realise, for example, that I am very conservative in my taste for music. Over breakfast though was the question of 'xiu1 shen1 yang3 xing4' and the thirst (ke3 wang4) for it. Need to do something about chinese characters on this comp.

Clothes packed, room almost vacated. Typing up recipes I may want to try out now, filling in dates in my diary.

AND

Coming to terms with the latest news received very early this morning, about 9am SG time:

I'm going to be a BRIDESMAID. Not only that, I am going to be RING BEARER as well…

I think I asked for it this time. Perhaps it will be useful if I psyche myself to believe in the idea of 'marriage' between now and the 29th. And I'll have to start practising that smile. *smile!*

Still trying to come to terms with this 6 hours before flying. I expect it to be a very interesting holiday indeed… 

When was the last time I volunteered? 5 years ago, for Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA), simply because my friends volunteered there. (I have generally no patience for animals) That wasn't exactly volunteering, btw, it was called 'community service', because to earn points for Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) for entry into University, you had to do 'community service'. And you scored your full five points if you did 80 hrs of 'community service'. It had to be done.

So when I woke up this morning remembering what I stayed up for last night, I had quite a shock. I had taken 2 hours to draft an email and sent it to AWARE (Association of Women for Action and REsearch). Well, as Jacq said, there is never 'too short' a time to volunteer. I'm actually doing something I WANT to do, something that is meaningful to me. Women of the world, here I come!

Still waiting for more MBTI results at present, though I had a think about it again today after reading A's reply, re-reading Wiki's article on MBTI, and finally retaking the test. No, I'm not going to write a whole thesis on it, and as you scientists know it is not good practice to use Wiki as reference, less to say your ONLY reference! In a nutshell, I've been reviewing myself and I think I'm more of an ISTJ than an INTJ, for reasons I will discuss in my next post on MBTI which I'll prob write tomorrow or when I get back to Singapore. But first, Sun, if you're reading this, can you tell me which you think I am? Princess, if you've got time as well, try it out!

Off to have Tapas…