To look life in the face

If you asked me two days ago why I am going back to London, I would have said, "My friends are graduating and I want to be there!"

During a conversation with my Dad two weeks ago, I told him confidently, "I have two homes, one here in Singapore and one in London."

With my Mom, I assured her, "They are like my second family. We are that close."

I am questioning my words now. As with reading a book, I am now taking a step back to assess it. One should not be stagnant. I am moving to a new country soon, and along with it I should take my attachments. Memories are for keepsake, and interactions are dynamic. They do not stay still - they degenerate or improve. It is hardly possible to permanently keep a balance. I awaken to plain facts, that I should no longer take situations as they were before. As with the fall of empires, there is no perfect group dynamics that will last forever.

I myself am still confused over the definiton of QuGee. I should not see it as a group, as a whole, but the individual interactions between people. The absence of communication causes stagnation. Physical absence combined with that of communication causes interactions to stagnate, and depending on the strength of the bonds, they wane over time to varying degrees. Other factors that influence such bonds would be that of personality change.

What is dangerous though is the absence of communication without a physical absence, ie. actions unexplained. Like a vacuum, it creates a force strong enough to suck its surroundings into it just to fill the void. The surroundings of such a vacuum is finite, and when too much is lost to fill the void, everything else caves in. Such is my view of the interactions between people. Patience and vitality is finite. And what is often required to prevent the leeching of such elements that contribute to integrity would be that of other elements such as consideration, sensitivity, honesty and responsibility.

The interactions between two people are built upon such principles. No individual would like to always be in the position to give and be taken from. Even if there are no expectations, one would grow weary. Liken it to the biological definitions of parasitism, commensalism and mutualism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbiosis). After all, human beings are social animals, and in my opinion no state of parasitism and even commensalism will last, commensalism itself being exceptionally fragile in terms of human interactions. To this end, I contribute my view that no individual should see an obligation in maintaining an interaction that is obviously degenerating.

If one should zoom out of the picture and look at the dynamics of a group of people, one should see a network of the interactions between every two people in the group. Factions arise when the bonds between two or more people and the rest of the group have been strained. An ideal group relationship could only exist if each individual treats every other individual equally. Unfortunately, utopian societies do not exist in this world. I myself have been guilty of putting some (or someone) before others, and going as far as to ignore the needs of everyone else I deemed unimportant.

As I've mentioned, it is time to reassess these interactions. One would then know better how to sort out priorities, and since there is a limit to one's energy, it would only make things more efficient.

Bags are packed - I've managed to pack most of my summer clothes for next year. Time flies - I haven't completed the checklist. Switzerland beckons - it's time to plan my settling down there. Everyone asks if I will be back next year. When I say 'I don't know', I certainly mean I don't know. I've emptied out half my room now, including the old desktop that won't boot (Salvation army's going to come down on the 24th). I've kept most of my memorabilia in the plastic box under my desk. No clothes hang in my wardrobe, unlike those past four years. 

Somehow I feel I'm moving out - for good. For various reasons, I have a feeling I may not come back to this house again. It is my way of saying 'my absence is not temporary anymore.' Why? I have probably passed a checkpoint, that which allows people like us to return home after graduation. The fact that I stayed on means I am not returning home in the near future. And certainly, apart from my family, there really is no point in me staying here. I am, indeed, officially moving out.

I think I need another break. I thought I was going to find time for that these few weeks in Singapore. But no, it seems that my life at home is full of expectations and obligations, these which suppress me, suppress my personality. I am lamenting again. I replied Georgie's message today, in which I said in jest that I do not feel Xiao-ish at all. No, that was not in jest, I was serious. I am not joking when I say that I do indeed feel like I'm living in China centuries ago, a merchant's eldest daughter, well-trained to be the woman of a family, coming of age and ready to be wed. What is first exchanged during conversations about me is a list of my achievements that in their opinion show my abilithy to take up the role of young mistress (少 奶 奶). It kills the soul. I yearn to be back where freedom is, and freedom is not less than a week away…

我要反传统, 但没力气反, 我的性格根本就不够刚烈!

所以才逃避, 所以才默默的忍着… 

I am still on the book 'King Leopold's Ghost' by Adam Hochschild. It's taking a little too long for me to finish this. Came across a short excerpt that is so apt today with regards to the situation in Burma:

'The white men who passed through the territory as military officers, steamboat captains, or state or concession company officials generally accepted the use of the chicotte as unthinkingly as hundreds of thousands of other men in uniform would accept their assignments, a half-century later, to staff the Nazi and Soviet concentration camps. "Monsters exist," wrote Primo Levi of his experience at Auschwitz. "But they are too few in number to be truly dangerous. More dangerous are… the functionaries ready to believe and to act without asking questions."

…"To tell the truth," said Franz Strangl of the mass killings that took place when he was commandant of the Nazi death camps of Sobibor and Treblinka, "one did become used to it." 

In such a regime, one thing that often helps functionaries "become used to it" is a slight, symbolic distance - irrelevant to the victim - between an official in charge and the physical act of terror itself. That symbolic distance was frequently cited in self-defense by Nazis put on trial after World War II…'

I may be thought of by some as 'biting the hand that feeds me', but it really saddens me to see a country I so highly revered many years ago supporting such a regime, yet denying, even pretending that they condemn it, painting a pretty picture of their role in the international stage. 

Went to see the screening of the international version of Expedition Linne at the Botanic Gardens. 

http://www.expeditionlinne.se/

And then had a very artistic evening appreciating the highly acclaimed Lee Ang's Se Jie (Lust, Caution) with Mom. As usual they censored it, which is annoying and quite a shame because the sex scenes are essential for character development.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808357/ 

'Gigi' = Bahasa Indonesia for tooth (or teeth?)

Met Dad & Mr 'Pakkok' (that's what dad calls him, Mr French uncle) for the StocExpo Asia exhibition. (http://www.stocexpoasia.com/home.shtml)  Passed off as a consultant, without a name card. Lots of companies showcasing their products, mainly European with a few local ones, all bits and pieces that were to be involved in building a storage tank for volatile liquids and chemicals. At least I have a better idea now what Daddy does, what his project is about and what is really involved in building a storage tank that really isn't just a huge container. Let's see… there's the monitoring systems, the Vapour Recovery systems, Vapour combustion systems, floating roofs, water treatment etc. etc. It was like shopping. A Dutch company dealing with water treatment made a really sexist joke about it being a man's business. That guy reminded me of Bobby. :D

Then went for the dreaded wisdom tooth extraction at Gleneagles. The dentist recommended I snip off the left side of my mouth that was healed over in the 2002 virus infection (the right side having been torn whilst I was enjoying a baguette in Lausanne last year). 'We won't charge you for this, you want or not? Otherwise ah, food will get stuck here and then BACTERIA will grow…' at which point I said 'okay okay, just snip it off'

I now have effectively a paralysed left mouth. 

Well, I've mentioned a few posts ago that I was informed I was to be bridesmaid (+ ringbearer) a few hours before my return back to Singapore. I have subsequently half-lamented my plight albeit jokingly to you guys, me and my refusal to believe in all that talk about the holy sanctity of marriage added to my very stubborn views on religion only convinced me that I was far from being the right person for the job. 

I have to say, though, now that the whole event is over, that it was indeed enjoyable but tiring. I was once again obsessed with ensuring that everything went according to plan. Gosh, that Obsession, even at such a joyous occasion! So let me recall now how a traditional chinese/catholic wedding should be like…

First, there was a church rehearsal a week before the wedding. I was supposed to be leading the procession into the chapel, but then they rearranged for Glady's sister, Grace, to lead with the Unity Candle (A candle that the couple will light together) since she was going to be back in Singapore just for the wedding. I have quite forgotten what the title of the wedding march was, but it wasn't the cliche one. Maizy, the wedding planner was a very efficient woman indeed, planning the details of the wedding down to the last five minutes! Anyway, everyone gathered in a circle at the end of the church rehearsal to say a prayer, to which I really couldn't bring myself to join, but found too rude to refuse. 

Then there were the 'biscuit rounds', a chinese tradition of giving out traditional chinese wedding biscuits (round, red biscuits with lotus seed paste filling Mmm) to close relatives (priority given to families of men of the extended family). Many people have sought to use fruit cakes in recent times, but Gladys chose to do it the traditional way since the fruit cake is now used too often. Never a day of the wedding preparation or the wedding itself passes without mention of me and my potential cheese rounds or timepiece rounds if I ever do marry a Swiss 'fondue maker' or watchmaker. To which, I never fail to chip in a word or two about diamonds on the timepieces hehehe…

There was of course a hen's night, after which the bride-to-be turned up ill the next afternoon for lunch. 29th September was the first day of the wedding celebrations. Ahh, I was very disciplined and arrived at 7am sharp at my cousin's front door, bringing with me  一 副 对联 (chinese calligraphy) kindly written by Mom to hang outside their door. 

" 花 好 月 為 圓,  琴 與 瑟 亦 靜"

The bride was up early and the makeup artist had already called. After almost two hours of preparation, we (jasmine and I) helped the bride into her gown, battling with the can-can and the neverending train of satin. Later by 10 when the house was teeming with relatives, I saw the biggest congregation of SIA pilots (James is a pilot) in my life, outside the gate, ready for the 'tekan (to beat or hit, but is most commonly used to describe being abused or scolded) session'. The poor things had to brave the heat, facing the many challenges set by the 'sisters' on this side of the gate, just to 'steal the bride', a cantonese tradition that's now widely practised. They even had to eat wasabi bread, drink pure lime juice and even wear adult diapers! 

When that was done, we then headed off to church, us (bridesmaids, bride and bride's father) being the last to leave. Then of course was the wedding march, singing hymns, exchanging of vows and prayers that I once again couldn't bring myself to say. After the wedding reception which was more like a photo-taking session, was then the tea ceremony at James' house and then Glady's place. The couple had to go through the ritual of first having a traditional dessert, serving tea to all those older than them in the family (of course men first, parents first) and then being served tea by those younger than them. They were also to receive gifts of jewellery and ang baos (red packets) from seniors, or give ang baos to those younger than them. Totally knackered by the end of the day!

The next day saw me nursing my throat and nose before the dinner. There wasn't enough time to eat and the emcees, performers and the bridal party were pretty much coped up with following a schedule. Instead of the table rounds of 'yum seng!' (gan1 bei1), there were table photos. Good for me because I don't drink. I guess the most interesting event of the night was a discussion with one of the pilots about female pilots. 

It certainly wasn't a mundane two days, but if you'd ask me, there's been so much rigorous planning involved in this ceremony (and perhaps most others) that it's a ritual. Added to that, the obligations attached when you have a traditional ceremony, planned by enthusiastic senior members of the family - how can one actually enjoy the process of getting married?

Photographer: Is everyone standing with their family? (pointed at me & my 2nd uncle) Are you with them?

(family members looking around, fingers pointing) 

Xiao: Oh, it really doesn't matter to me where I stand.