Where I call home
So I've finally arrived in Lausanne. Stumbled off the train with nearly 47kg of baggage and landed on the platform, successfully blocking the way of a huge crowd of people impatiently waiting to get on the train.
I cried much less this time than I did the last - when I was here for an 8-week project. Kamil says it's because I've been emotionally preparing myself for a year. I think what he says is true. The MRes year was for "wrapping up things" in London, and I've been redefining bonds, drawing up boundaries, establishing new friendships, delving into new ideas and projects, rooting myself in beliefs and principles. It's time for a change. There are to now still many questions that I havent' found answers to, questions pertaining to me and my preferences that even I don't know how to go about answering. So I guess these next four years would be for self-realisation.
The one question I probably want to tackle now is this: Am I leaving my life behind to start a brand new life? I am honestly puzzled and I know not the answer. In a way I could see why Kamil suggested so. I do feel it. I am settling in like a student, not much different than I did four years ago. Find an apartment, buy utensils, cutlery, crockery, open a bank account etc etc. I'll have time to do those weekend trips as well. The only catch here, the biggest difference is that I'm doing these all by myself, and I'm not depending on a single person or a student society to help me settle in. I know what has changed, and the reason for this being that I'm taking with me all that I acquired in London, everything I have taken time to polish, painstakingly… everything… The only thing I've left behind is the physical presence of people. I feel, even when alone at night, the warmth of all those close to me across France and the English channel. I dont' dare say that I will not feel lonely, but that feeling hasn't sunk in yet. I hope, I hope it doesn't come.
It was brilliant to see everyone back in the lab again yesterday, and some new faces. The few hours was spent on greeting people and asking after them, and it was vice versa. Then Friedrich said to me, 'Welcome back.' It was just two words, but it made me happy. It made me feel 'at home'. This reality that I am to embrace Lausanne as my home for the next four years is perhaps the most emotionally daunting challenge I've had the past few years. London was not like this, I knew people going with me. Honestly, now when I say 'I'm going back to London in Christmas', I still feel I'm going 'back', but can I say I'm going 'home'? 'Home' is such a strong word to use. It binds people. I can't keep a straight face when I refer to Singapore as 'Home Home'. I find myself unable to rank my 'homes' in order of importance such that one is more 'home' than the other. I'm equally happy going back to London or to Singapore. I still maintain my position that I've got two families - one in London and one in Singapore. And when I'm in London this December, I'll probably say to you, 'I'm going back to Lausanne after the New Year!'
