'Bystanders, people who witness but are not directly affected by the actions of perpetrators, help shape society by their action. Bystanders can exert powerful influences. They can define the meaning of events and move others toward empathy or indifference. They can promote values and norms of caring, or by their passivity of participation in the systems, they can affirm the perpetrators.'-Ervin Staub
Lausanne to me has become a symbol of peace - the calm of the waters, the quiet of the city on a Sunday, as if to say, "take a break…", the clear outline of the French Alps in the distance, pompous and commanding to take your breath away so you could think of nothing else but revel in its beauty. My own apartment in the middle of the night, so still you could hear footsteps above you. And the delight in imagining just how homely I can make it.
So what exactly drew me back to London with such enthusiasm that I could proclaim these bunch of friends here "family"? There are the same expectations as before. To a certain extent I understand what Kamil meant whne he talked about change. It really isn't the same is it? Well not as if I never saw that coming. I even had first hand experience when I went back for Commemoration Day this year. My head is spinning now, words are jumbled, the faces of people are all a blur, I cannot see now what things are, cannot differentiate between the now and then and the should be, I cannot think for myself whilst my heart is afire.
Perhaps the fact that even with lowered expectations, that one is required again to sink even lower with them. It would have been possible to live with another without crossing boundaries, even to attempt building up relationships, but what should one do when the respect due is not given? Or perhaps that that in itself is an expectation? And also perhaps that one should adopt the attitude that it is really "each for his own", to only trust oneself and to stand up for one's own rights even if it means playing the rogue. Where exactly do I stand? I am tearing myself apart minute by minute between this and my own beliefs, my words gradually just becoming a pile of jumble, nonsensical, and I am not meaning what I say, even saying what I mean. I need to straighten out my thoughts.
What are these, games? Actions done deliberately? Subconsciously? But when repeated one too often one can be almost certain of the implications, the underlying meaning behind these words, these actions. Or what? Am I being too involved to see the whole picture? What am I missing out? What is the story like on the other side? How much can I trust these words?
Yes, certainly it is Christmas Day today, and I do wish that things are good. Last year today I was in Japan, walking Roppongi with Atsuko and Kamil, surrounded by lighted white Christmas trees. 7 years ago I was part of a sports team, complaining of our captain for affecting others with her temper when she was upset. I know I don't believe in pulling others down with my mood, and I do hope tonight's Christmas celebrations will be good - with or without the laughter that will be drowned out by the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra anyway. Could this simply be a variation of taking those closest to you for granted? I am glad I have foreseen the importance of keeping in contact with friends here and in Singapore I have left alone for ages, people who I know care, beyond the walls of my house. And what's new with being treated like a second-class citizen? You cry and then you laugh it away. My wish now is only to enjoy my remaining time here in London and to finish here what I came for.
One does not settle down overnight. There is first the literal occupying of a new apartment, followed then by the tackling of bureaucracy, making the dwelling homely enough, getting accustomed to the food, culture, language, making some new friends… And then comes the honing of the spirit such that the heart does not buckle under external pressure, such that the virtues that were acquired and practised but waveringly sustained are not altogether lost to a whole different environment. This is my second understanding of "The heart does not follow the environment", a motto that I always preach when under pressure from work. In short, there still needs to be self-restrain in my actions, and a need to address the restlessness in my thoughts.
Ever wondered how it feels like being homeless? Try this - lock yourself out on a weekday night in a Swiss city in the middle of winter. To enhance this once-in-a-lifetime experience, try wearing only a thin sweater and have with you nothing at all apart from the clothes you are wearing.
