To look life in the face

The anger is creeping in again, seeping through tissues, mingling with blood, coarsing through veins. The mind is indeed a very powerful tool – because that's where the anger comes from, it comes from within, conjured by the mind to be, at the beginning, an illusion but then silently realising its presence and then its potential. Then acquiring a character of its own and formidable as it is, it bursts through the floodgates of patience, worn thin and weary from strain, and in an instant unleashes itself unto the thoughtless victim, who is not quite the subject of the speaker but on the contrary the speaker itself – thoughtless, mindless and lost in the inner world of passion and emotion.

This anger is inconsiderate; it is selfish and abhorrs any attention bestowed upon the interests of others. It professes that it acts in the interest of the self, speaks for the rights of the self, but in actuality is concerned with establishing its presence. It feels it must be seen and heard as the self. All this while the internal struggle continues such that the outsider is faced with a series of accusations, some true some false. The mind eventually loses its ability to reason and is then convinced that this anger is justified. This is the start of a situation that walks down a one-way street to the point of no return.

Lausanne to me has become a symbol of peace - the calm of the waters, the quiet of the city on a Sunday, as if to say, "take a break…", the clear outline of the French Alps in the distance, pompous and commanding to take your breath away so you could think of nothing else but revel in its beauty. My own apartment in the middle of the night, so still you could hear footsteps above you. And the delight in imagining just how homely I can make it.

So what exactly drew me back to London with such enthusiasm that I could proclaim these bunch of friends here "family"? There are the same expectations as before. To a certain extent I understand what Kamil meant whne he talked about change. It really isn't the same is it? Well not as if I never saw that coming. I even had first hand experience when I went back for Commemoration Day this year. My head is spinning now, words are jumbled, the faces of people are all a blur, I cannot see now what things are, cannot differentiate between the now and then and the should be, I cannot think for myself whilst my heart is afire. 

Perhaps the fact that even with lowered expectations, that one is required again to sink even lower with them. It would have been possible to live with another without crossing boundaries, even to attempt building up relationships, but what should one do when the respect due is not given? Or perhaps that that in itself is an expectation? And also perhaps that one should adopt the attitude that it is really "each for his own", to only trust oneself and to stand up for one's own rights even if it means playing the rogue. Where exactly do I stand? I am tearing myself apart minute by minute between this and my own beliefs, my words gradually just becoming a pile of jumble, nonsensical, and I am not meaning what I say, even saying what I mean. I need to straighten out my thoughts. 

What are these, games? Actions done deliberately? Subconsciously? But when repeated one too often one can be almost certain of the implications, the underlying meaning behind these words, these actions. Or what? Am I being too involved to see the whole picture? What am I missing out? What is the story like on the other side? How much can I trust these words?

Yes, certainly it is Christmas Day today, and I do wish that things are good. Last year today I was in Japan, walking Roppongi with Atsuko and Kamil, surrounded by lighted white Christmas trees. 7 years ago I was part of a sports team, complaining of our captain for affecting others with her temper when she was upset. I know I don't believe in pulling others down with my mood, and I do hope tonight's Christmas celebrations will be good - with or without the laughter that will be drowned out by the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra anyway. Could this simply be a variation of taking those closest to you for granted? I am glad I have foreseen the importance of keeping in contact with friends here and in Singapore I have left alone for ages, people who I know care, beyond the walls of my house. And what's new with being treated like a second-class citizen? You cry and then you laugh it away. My wish now is only to enjoy my remaining time here in London and to finish here what I came for.

I've been brought up with the idea that problems which can be solved with money are not really problems after all. Which is why finding a flat in London is to me much easier than finding one here in Switzerland. Coming from a broken family gave me the chance to be who I am today. Problems had to be faced, and though I was an unhappy child I reveled in the luck of having a funded overseas education, a luxury that not many children can afford to have. And because parents have moved on to have their own life, I never had to worry about obligations to 'pay back' what was invested in me. 

So it is time to get my act together. After all, I am still very lucky to have come this far. Money matters always hurt, but then money can be used to solve problems. And this time it is no exception. I need to tell myself to be thankful that I have an income at the very least. And that I have this opportunity that money cannot buy. It is time for me to stop thinking about that very daunting five-figure sum, but to think about how I could go about finding that balance between affording what I want and to pay off this immense debt that was not of my doing.

Emotions take time to cool, and cool off they will but I hope not with too much of a loss of respect. In the end, we are all very different people and we cannot expect others to live up to our own expectations especially of ourselves. What I could achieve someone else may not be able to. Like Zheyi said, "Life is beautiful because we fuck up!"

We didn't realise this, and we didn't acknowlege this… but did we see it coming? My worst fears have come true… or are they my worst? Or OUR fears? The truth is plain to see - that we are growing apart. And horridly there is nobody to blame but our lifestyles - work, commitment, moving out etc etc… I still speak as if it is my family, and we still behave as if it is our family. But where has the enthusiasm gone? I myself am guilty in this respect, but perhaps because it seemed as if nobody cared.

I can still say without hesitation, "London is my second home." But can I talk about London in the same way three years from now? Do I miss everyone there? I don't think I'd be honest with myself if I said I did dreadfully. Because the truth is, I don't think about London that often. I saw a purpose of my one year in London, and I have prepped myself psychologically for what is to come and what is. Perhaps a little too much, such that I now am glad that I am living on my own. Honestly, I couldn't take living like a student anymore. It is not the people, it is about me having my own space. And the need for that ever slight distance, that reservation between friends, that space when you cool off your emotions after a hard day's work. Because you tend to depend on others when it lasts.

I am not the least bit disappointed, but perhaps confused. What is Qugee to me now? Does it need a redefinition? This certainly doesn't entail a withdrawl, but perhaps there needs to be a redefinition, along with priorities. Perhaps one should start with what Qugee is? What does it mean to each of us? Oddly enough, I'm not panicking, neither am I upset. It seems to me a natural progression towards a cooling off of relations, one that can neither be dealt with because of physical, geographical isolation, nor can be improved because of priorities and commitments. 

Over summer this year in Singapore, I cleared out my room so it could be let out. After all, who knows when I am going back next, and it surely wouldn't be longer than 2 weeks, less to say return to Singapore for good after four years. Well, that is another debate altogether. Let's focus on this: I was clearing my room and organising my things to those which can be donated, reused, recycled.

In London, there were recycling bins just round the corner from our new apartment. It was easy - you just had to sort out your trash, take it round to the bins and someone would clear it. No superhuman effort, I would say. It is the same here in Switzerland. When I was back in Singapore last year (2006), I was happy to find recycling bins in front of every house in my estate and my dad's housing estate. But this met with a lot of criticism, at least from my parents. My Dad said, gesturing to the row of rubbish bins and recycling bins, 'Are we parading rubbish bins here?'. This year, the recycling bin at home was practically non-existent. It was brought indoors and left standing at a remote corner of our garden. 'They dont' bother coming round anymore, you have to call them,' Mom said in defence when I questioned. So it seems no one uses it at all, so much such that the government gave up. It took a superhuman effort for me just to get a phone number to call for this recycling bin to be emptied, filled with old notes from Junior College. No one knew where I could recycle old clothes and my desktop that has been left cold for 4 years - well, no one except Jacq who's obviously very much involved in the environment circle in Singapore. 

I watched in despair as plastic bottles, aluminium cans and paper boxes are thrown carelessly into the rubbish bin. After a year in Qugee fervently recycling, this was most disappointing. Mom even went so far as to say 'I don't care about recycling ok, no one does!' Which met my disapproving remarks obviously. You start to wonder if this is representative of a generation responsible for causing the escalation of the climate problem, the distinctive shrugging off of shoulders, refuting all responsibility. Worse still, a leading politician openly expressed frustration over the problem, claiming there was nothing to be done unless we gave up our current (materialistic) way of life. This was mirrored in my cousins' comments concerning the problem. Singapore is too small to do anything, they say, our efforts will not have any impact. Yet again brushing matters aside. What then is our political significance in South East Asia? I was disappointed about the sheer ignorance and materialism amongst those in my generation. Is life all about pretty clothes, computer games, big cars, expensive gifts and boy-girl relationships? Shouldn't we think about the life of next generations to come? 我不禁哀声 叹气!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7100039.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7098902.stm 

So I've finally arrived in Lausanne. Stumbled off the train with nearly 47kg of baggage and landed on the platform, successfully blocking the way of a huge crowd of people impatiently waiting to get on the train. 

I cried much less this time than I did the last - when I was here for an 8-week project. Kamil says it's because I've been emotionally preparing myself for a year. I think what he says is true. The MRes year was for "wrapping up things" in London, and I've been redefining bonds, drawing up boundaries, establishing new friendships, delving into new ideas and projects, rooting myself in beliefs and principles. It's time for a change. There are to now still many questions that I havent' found answers to, questions pertaining to me and my preferences that even I don't know how to go about answering. So I guess these next four years would be for self-realisation.

The one question I probably want to tackle now is this: Am I leaving my life behind to start a brand new life? I am honestly puzzled and I know not the answer. In a way I could see why Kamil suggested so. I do feel it. I am settling in like a student, not much different than I did four years ago. Find an apartment, buy utensils, cutlery, crockery, open a bank account etc etc. I'll have time to do those weekend trips as well. The only catch here, the biggest difference is that I'm doing these all by myself, and I'm not depending on a single person or a student society to help me settle in. I know what has changed, and the reason for this being that I'm taking with me all that I acquired in London, everything I have taken time to polish, painstakingly… everything… The only thing I've left behind is the physical presence of people. I feel, even when alone at night, the warmth of all those close to me across France and the English channel. I dont' dare say that I will not feel lonely, but that feeling hasn't sunk in yet. I hope, I hope it doesn't come. 

It was brilliant to see everyone back in the lab again yesterday, and some new faces. The few hours was spent on greeting people and asking after them, and it was vice versa. Then Friedrich said to me, 'Welcome back.' It was just two words, but it made me happy. It made me feel 'at home'. This reality that I am to embrace Lausanne as my home for the next four years is perhaps the most emotionally daunting challenge I've had the past few years. London was not like this, I knew people going with me. Honestly, now when I say 'I'm going back to London in Christmas', I still feel I'm going 'back', but can I say I'm going 'home'? 'Home' is such a strong word to use. It binds people. I can't keep a straight face when I refer to Singapore as 'Home Home'. I find myself unable to rank my 'homes' in order of importance such that one is more 'home' than the other. I'm equally happy going back to London or to Singapore. I still maintain my position that I've got two families - one in London and one in Singapore. And when I'm in London this December, I'll probably say to you, 'I'm going back to Lausanne after the New Year!'

If you asked me two days ago why I am going back to London, I would have said, "My friends are graduating and I want to be there!"

During a conversation with my Dad two weeks ago, I told him confidently, "I have two homes, one here in Singapore and one in London."

With my Mom, I assured her, "They are like my second family. We are that close."

I am questioning my words now. As with reading a book, I am now taking a step back to assess it. One should not be stagnant. I am moving to a new country soon, and along with it I should take my attachments. Memories are for keepsake, and interactions are dynamic. They do not stay still - they degenerate or improve. It is hardly possible to permanently keep a balance. I awaken to plain facts, that I should no longer take situations as they were before. As with the fall of empires, there is no perfect group dynamics that will last forever.

I myself am still confused over the definiton of QuGee. I should not see it as a group, as a whole, but the individual interactions between people. The absence of communication causes stagnation. Physical absence combined with that of communication causes interactions to stagnate, and depending on the strength of the bonds, they wane over time to varying degrees. Other factors that influence such bonds would be that of personality change.

What is dangerous though is the absence of communication without a physical absence, ie. actions unexplained. Like a vacuum, it creates a force strong enough to suck its surroundings into it just to fill the void. The surroundings of such a vacuum is finite, and when too much is lost to fill the void, everything else caves in. Such is my view of the interactions between people. Patience and vitality is finite. And what is often required to prevent the leeching of such elements that contribute to integrity would be that of other elements such as consideration, sensitivity, honesty and responsibility.

The interactions between two people are built upon such principles. No individual would like to always be in the position to give and be taken from. Even if there are no expectations, one would grow weary. Liken it to the biological definitions of parasitism, commensalism and mutualism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbiosis). After all, human beings are social animals, and in my opinion no state of parasitism and even commensalism will last, commensalism itself being exceptionally fragile in terms of human interactions. To this end, I contribute my view that no individual should see an obligation in maintaining an interaction that is obviously degenerating.

If one should zoom out of the picture and look at the dynamics of a group of people, one should see a network of the interactions between every two people in the group. Factions arise when the bonds between two or more people and the rest of the group have been strained. An ideal group relationship could only exist if each individual treats every other individual equally. Unfortunately, utopian societies do not exist in this world. I myself have been guilty of putting some (or someone) before others, and going as far as to ignore the needs of everyone else I deemed unimportant.

As I've mentioned, it is time to reassess these interactions. One would then know better how to sort out priorities, and since there is a limit to one's energy, it would only make things more efficient.

It's mid-autumn festival today! And I did not have mooncakes, but what I had was chese fondue moitie moitie. :) *Mmm* I obviously bought too much cheese though, there were five of us and I had bought a portion for four. But I found myself eating alone towards the end, and there was still half a pot full of cheese. Ok, didn't factor in the asian diet!

Went around Little India today with JGL, for the first time in my life! It is almost embarassing to say that I was brought up as a Singaporean, went to government schools all my life. I suddenly feel I am quite uneducated about my own country! What struck me most was that despite mildly racist comments I have been hearing from my (extended) family all my life, it surely didn't make me feel that way today at Little India. We were more than welcome. 

I shall blog about it another time, after MBTI and Chinatown. Things have just been too busy recently and I am facing a deadline for this friday. Yes, another commitment. And I've been scouring touristy places for postcards to send, but haven't found any particularly interesting. Perhaps some of Jacq's photos would do… hehehehe! 

Been chatting with my mom again tonight on the car, discussing relationships. I'm grateful that these past few months of my life have been peaceful but not bland. I want this feeling to carry on. But of course, I had my fair share of heart-breaking moments almost a year ago now. It takes a long time for the soul to recover from such ill-treatment. All three of us in this house are at different phases in how we deal with relationships, and of course our ideals are different too. It is good to know that I have finally reached the end in my search for the answer as to what constitutes a healthy relationship & what my ideal partner should be like. Needless to say, it goes beyond 'blond-haired, glasses'… :D

It's one of those evenings when I'm alone in my room, music playing in the background, feeling dejected again. What about this time? Probably that sense of loss, that things around me are so wrong and yet there is nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do to help it get better except maybe to leave. Why have I just committed myself to something that binds me to home again? The mere FRUSTRATION!

Why do people fuss about their weddings? So much such that it becomes a chore just organising it? What are people thinking behind that facade they are presenting? What's wrong with being on 'mama-papa scholarship'? Why can't a primary school teacher watch her words? Why do people take grudges? Why do people judge based on solely academic results? Why are people obsessed with money? How can one lead a life that revolves only around restaurants, pubs, the office, shopping centres and the cinema? How can men go about their lives just playing computer games? Why does our state condone a double-standard pay scheme? How can a people not speak up against injustice? 

Once again I had to defy convention to do what I want. Sure enough, people in THIS society wouldn't understand, they wouldn't see the point unless you get 'somewhere', when your actions speak for themselves, literally screaming 'shut up'! And then people approach from the other angle, with all their bootlicking. Oh enough with the boasting, I want to be just myself, just another person in this state, doing something that seems meaningful to me. Enough with the boasting, my credentials are mine and they haven't got anythign to do with you no matter the 'family ties'!

Perhaps this is what one calls an identity crisis? I've been back for two days now and I'm having a culture shock… It's probably to do with my cousin's wedding.

So as I said, I've been made bridesmaid and ring bearer. Went down to Grandma's place yesterday and had dinner with Dad and all three aunts (they're all in their 50s - 60s). It's just odd… it's not that I want to be vengeful or that I still have 'attachments', but somehow it's hard to believe their change in attitude, a warmth that seems to reach a climax every time I return. I think it's to do with a very complex mindset of a typical immigrant chinese population. At least I am able now to converse comfortably in cantonese - it helps. Looking at them discuss the formalities of my cousin's wedding though, I get more convinced by the minute about my distaste for such planned 'happy' events, thoughts that I kept to myself at the dinner table, of course.

Will I return eventually? Dad was obviously hoping that I'd do so. The very first words he uttered when we met, apart from talk about Grandma, was that there are now 'so many opportunities' for overseas graduates here. To do what? To do what they want us to do? What now about the GST hike, the increase in transport fares, 'competitive' salaries and benefits? Gosh, imagine a 4% increase in GST over the past four years! Things are much more expensive that I imagined them to be, my imagination being the country I remembered four years ago, and this is not reflected in our payrise. Now they say, the opening of the Venetian Macau Resort Hotel will pose a problem. And let's not speak of my political views, even I am confused by them. How can I return?

I am now beginning to see my country and its people in a different light, literally and metaphorically. Just cannot put a finger to it exactly though, things are changing and so are my views. I'll take a day to walk, just walk and take photos. Saw an article this morning in the papers about our people overseas, 'sticking together', for social comfort, for political networking and for the lack of curiosity of their surroundings. Couldn't help but identify with it. Will I be what we call here a 'second-class' citizen in another country?

Oddly enough, it is at home where I feel most comfortable with my thoughts. Even though Mom is now occupied with other people, we still have the time to discuss our views on many issues, some differing. I realise, for example, that I am very conservative in my taste for music. Over breakfast though was the question of 'xiu1 shen1 yang3 xing4' and the thirst (ke3 wang4) for it. Need to do something about chinese characters on this comp.