To look life in the face

It's one of those evenings when I'm alone in my room, music playing in the background, feeling dejected again. What about this time? Probably that sense of loss, that things around me are so wrong and yet there is nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do to help it get better except maybe to leave. Why have I just committed myself to something that binds me to home again? The mere FRUSTRATION!

Why do people fuss about their weddings? So much such that it becomes a chore just organising it? What are people thinking behind that facade they are presenting? What's wrong with being on 'mama-papa scholarship'? Why can't a primary school teacher watch her words? Why do people take grudges? Why do people judge based on solely academic results? Why are people obsessed with money? How can one lead a life that revolves only around restaurants, pubs, the office, shopping centres and the cinema? How can men go about their lives just playing computer games? Why does our state condone a double-standard pay scheme? How can a people not speak up against injustice? 

Once again I had to defy convention to do what I want. Sure enough, people in THIS society wouldn't understand, they wouldn't see the point unless you get 'somewhere', when your actions speak for themselves, literally screaming 'shut up'! And then people approach from the other angle, with all their bootlicking. Oh enough with the boasting, I want to be just myself, just another person in this state, doing something that seems meaningful to me. Enough with the boasting, my credentials are mine and they haven't got anythign to do with you no matter the 'family ties'!

Perhaps this is what one calls an identity crisis? I've been back for two days now and I'm having a culture shock… It's probably to do with my cousin's wedding.

So as I said, I've been made bridesmaid and ring bearer. Went down to Grandma's place yesterday and had dinner with Dad and all three aunts (they're all in their 50s - 60s). It's just odd… it's not that I want to be vengeful or that I still have 'attachments', but somehow it's hard to believe their change in attitude, a warmth that seems to reach a climax every time I return. I think it's to do with a very complex mindset of a typical immigrant chinese population. At least I am able now to converse comfortably in cantonese - it helps. Looking at them discuss the formalities of my cousin's wedding though, I get more convinced by the minute about my distaste for such planned 'happy' events, thoughts that I kept to myself at the dinner table, of course.

Will I return eventually? Dad was obviously hoping that I'd do so. The very first words he uttered when we met, apart from talk about Grandma, was that there are now 'so many opportunities' for overseas graduates here. To do what? To do what they want us to do? What now about the GST hike, the increase in transport fares, 'competitive' salaries and benefits? Gosh, imagine a 4% increase in GST over the past four years! Things are much more expensive that I imagined them to be, my imagination being the country I remembered four years ago, and this is not reflected in our payrise. Now they say, the opening of the Venetian Macau Resort Hotel will pose a problem. And let's not speak of my political views, even I am confused by them. How can I return?

I am now beginning to see my country and its people in a different light, literally and metaphorically. Just cannot put a finger to it exactly though, things are changing and so are my views. I'll take a day to walk, just walk and take photos. Saw an article this morning in the papers about our people overseas, 'sticking together', for social comfort, for political networking and for the lack of curiosity of their surroundings. Couldn't help but identify with it. Will I be what we call here a 'second-class' citizen in another country?

Oddly enough, it is at home where I feel most comfortable with my thoughts. Even though Mom is now occupied with other people, we still have the time to discuss our views on many issues, some differing. I realise, for example, that I am very conservative in my taste for music. Over breakfast though was the question of 'xiu1 shen1 yang3 xing4' and the thirst (ke3 wang4) for it. Need to do something about chinese characters on this comp.

When was the last time I volunteered? 5 years ago, for Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA), simply because my friends volunteered there. (I have generally no patience for animals) That wasn't exactly volunteering, btw, it was called 'community service', because to earn points for Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) for entry into University, you had to do 'community service'. And you scored your full five points if you did 80 hrs of 'community service'. It had to be done.

So when I woke up this morning remembering what I stayed up for last night, I had quite a shock. I had taken 2 hours to draft an email and sent it to AWARE (Association of Women for Action and REsearch). Well, as Jacq said, there is never 'too short' a time to volunteer. I'm actually doing something I WANT to do, something that is meaningful to me. Women of the world, here I come!

Still waiting for more MBTI results at present, though I had a think about it again today after reading A's reply, re-reading Wiki's article on MBTI, and finally retaking the test. No, I'm not going to write a whole thesis on it, and as you scientists know it is not good practice to use Wiki as reference, less to say your ONLY reference! In a nutshell, I've been reviewing myself and I think I'm more of an ISTJ than an INTJ, for reasons I will discuss in my next post on MBTI which I'll prob write tomorrow or when I get back to Singapore. But first, Sun, if you're reading this, can you tell me which you think I am? Princess, if you've got time as well, try it out!

Off to have Tapas… 

Got my results yesterday, as well as a call from the Swiss embassy almost at the same time. It is time to leave London, it is time to move on to the next phase of my life.

It is to me almost like a rock star who's retiring at the height of his career. Everything here has ended on a high note for me. I used to believe so strongly that there must be some reason why I'm going to Switzerland. Yes of course I still believe that, only that I actually forgot there was an even more obvious reason why I came back to London to do this MRes degree! I could have started in Switzerland long ago. But yes, I came back, not just to get my Masters degree, I came back to gain my confidence. And now I have it, together with such lovely experiences over the past year, and it is now time to leave. 

And perhaps now is the time I face my past in Singapore as well. Globalisation in the form of facebook has dug up some old contacts. Time to face them as well.

This reluctance to leave… it's not that I dont' want to leave. I WANT to go to Lausanne, I am unafraid of what lies ahead. And I know it is the time to leave. It is just my reluctance to leave the memories behind. Still, heed the signs. It is time.  

Just took a test after looking at Kamil and Jacq's blogs. I'm an INTJ:

"INTJs are introspective, analytical, determined persons with natural leadership ability. Being reserved, they prefer to stay in the background while leading. Strategic, knowledgable and adaptable, INTJs are talented in bringing ideas from conception to reality. They expect perfection from themselves as well as others and are comfortable with the leadership of another so long as they are competent. INTJs can also be described as decisive, open-minded, self-confident, attentive, theoretical and pragmatic."

Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging

Same as Jacq, but I feel Jacq is a much stronger INTJ than I am. But looking at my new self though, the self I have rediscovered gradually these past few months, I am turning more and more into what is being described here…

Wiki, TypeLogic, Personality Page

I agree very strongly with some aspects of the INTJ character, particularly in the pursuit of perfectionism for myself and for those closest to me, particularly in a partner to the point of being demanding. Also the lack of sensitivity, and my intolerance towards inefficiency. Relationships wise, it is true about spending a great deal of time and effort and in the willingness to "work at" a relationship. What I didn't adopt though, was the ability to leave a relationship that isn't working, although I'll probably do that without hesitation from now on. Sun said though, right at the start in early December that I would move on and recover very well which I have, and how Sun could tell my type I don't know still, and I'm amazed! How did you do it?!

Other things include not recognising authority based on tradition, rank and title, and also being naturally comfortable with close friends, but trying to be more sociable because it is "useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality."

But what happens to the emotions? Do we find an outlet? I usually let them out in the form of writing or music. Doesn't say though in the MBTI.

The INTJ type usually associates with other NT and NF types. Will be interesting to know about your type, whoever's reading this, and also those of my closest girl friends. Don't mean to be sexist, I'm just curious!

My quest to fill time brought me to the gates of the National Portrait Gallery today. The exhibition “Daily Encounters” was on, that depicts the rise of press photography in Britain from 1904 to 1986. It sure is astounding how we take for granted the pictures we see in the newspapers everyday. They tell us more than what is said in newspaper articles – they let us relate to the story. And the same should be said about photos we see in magazines. Even a single solitary photo has a story to tell – what then does the photographer want us to see?

A couple of things that caught my attention today:

1) 'In those early days, the press photographer was regarded as an animal almost beneath contempt' – Hannen Swaffer, introduction to James Jarche, People I Have Shot. (Almost as if photography was considered inferior to writing)

2) A photo of a newspaper boy with a Titanic headline on 16th April 1912, London.

3) During the Second World War, photos were censored by the Picture Censorship Department of the Ministry of Information. These included images depicting the destruction of British cities by German bombs, and images of British soldiers behind the lines. Frustrated, a newspaper published several blacked-out pictures with captions suggesting what they should have shown, together with one single photo of those working in the censorship department, attributing the publication of those photos to “these people”.

4) To overcome the problem above, photographer Fred Morley persuaded his assistant to dress as a milkman doing his rounds amidst a war-torn street. The censors were satisfied as it kept spirits high.

5) There was even a photo of Singapore's then PM Lee in 1965 playing golf with his son (and subsequently missing), alongside then Labour PM Harold Wilson on holiday in the Isles of Scilly. The title of the article seemed to suggest the need of a holiday for effective government. (I have forgotten the exact wording)

I am of the opinion that when the skills of a photographer reaches a certain level, of course with a trained eye, what differentiates him/her from the rest would be the depth of character. Just like an artist with a story to tell, a photographer skilfully picks a scene that depicts most the message he/she wants to bring across. The more attentive a photographer is to issues surrounding him/her, the better a story he/she has to tell.

I know there are at least two of you photographers out there who will be reading this post. What say you?

Sun Aug 12, 12:09am

Report - written, printed, bound, handed in - YAY!

Just gave my presentation today, was third on the list at 11:40am. And then got restless as the afternoon wore by. I realise I need to clear my desk like NOW, but there are just too many things to carry! Perhaps it'll be better getting useful now, because there's just nothing to do. Expected my coursemates to do something, but people just got tired and left. Same for the lab. It's just a bad day, really… :)

So I'll think about something. I was quite surprised to see Bernard Lamb turn up at my presentation (personal tutor for undergraduate degree), but I was prepared and I was quite happy actually! Someone remembered! Yay! Hahahahhaa… Just had a chat with him, and it seems he'll be in Singapore for a few days from 20th of August. Oh how I wish I can go back NOW! Well, it'll probably be lots of travelling around UK for me for the next three weeks. Just borrowed a catalogue for Historic Houses and Gardens from Lamb. That should give me some ideas. :) And I'll get fit, I'll play the piano, I'll read lots of books (chinese and english), I'll brush up on German, try to learn some french, and of course, start on the QuGee chronicles!!! Hahaha… so anyway, lots to do and lots of time to do it. Occupying myself would be good, better than sitting around and wondering about emotional times. :) Yes… emotional times…  

Will one feel pressure working next to a genius? Yes, that is knowing if your work is being compared, but not if you don't have that competitive streak, that inferiority complex. But perhaps the biggest pressure comes from trying hard not to embarrass oneself while socialising, and such a situation has (thankfully) not happened to me yet (or at least I think), while still trying to get over the initial shock of the existence of such a genius. Worse, let a genius into your social circle, knowing that sooner or later it will be uncovered the fact that you're only a "Jack of all trades". I'm laughing at myself despite this - after all, we don't live on praises, and really what should be done is to live and learn. Ahhh… 

Hmm, on that note, I can't believe the guy who kindly asked me to vacate the studio he booked apologised for having interrupted me because "it sounded very good!" Hahahaha…

Just received my results for the last project - it's made my weekend. :) Nothing to say than that one should never underestimate one's own abilities. Especially when all else seems to be going against you, just like that time a few months ago. When my course convenor, Yuri, told me what I was looking towards with those grades, I said to him, "thanks Yuri. But I'm not too worried about getting that, I just want to do my best." Having grown up in a society where there is harsh competition, where even relatives compare merits, where those closest to you get jealous of your achievements, what more does it say about the mindset of such a society? Their minds are poisoned. So was mine. So poisoned it was that it took years to cleanse, and now there still remains that stain, faint yet still visible, and you can tell I was once such a vermin. Dear me, you think, what propaganda leads to this?

I need a daily dose of morals, which I am finding hard to administer ever since I've started on this new project. It is also time to settle housing both here for the summer and in Lausanne. Anyhow, I have to find time to deliberate on Confucianism. But for now,

"言寡忧, 行寡悔" (yan gua you, xing gua hui)

- To speak without worries, to act without regret

The latter is always easier than the former. That does not mean that one should start with the latter and then practice the former. It is much easier to deliberate on one's actions as they take more time and effort to effect. One has more time, before carrying out the act, and while carrying out the act to think if it is indeed righteous, if it is indeed apt, if it will not hurt, and if one will not regret. But words are easily spoken, and often it is not simply a question of truth and dishonesty, not only it being the appropriate moment, but also whether it is the appropriate person. It matters what your audience thinks, whether your words will hurt him/her. It is simply not enough to be honest.

But that is not to say that one should not give advice if needed. It means how the advice is to be given should be considered. If it falls on deaf ears, then stop harping on it. If it is an exchange of opinions, all the more one should not be harsh in pushing through one's own opinions, but respect those of the other party. 

I have yet to master this, and it may well take ages, I may never be fully able to attain this even when I leave. But this should definitely be part of my set of principles to live life. Especially to those around me, especially when situations call for it. And yet I see myself breaking it everyday, with my words. Not that someone tells me they've been hurt, but that I have not considered, before speaking, if it might hurt. So that's something to deliberate on…

A progression so fast and furious as this needs to be checked for fear of an anarchy of the mind. Conflicting thoughts and attitudes rage in a war of self-denial against recognition. The recovery phase has reached its peak and a state of the mind surfaces that has for so long been buried under layers of rubble. "Tread carefully for the mind slides easily from reality. Wave them about no more, pen them down in detail and create a vision."

(The above was written almost a month ago now) 

Few know myself better than I do, and fortunately there are a handful around me. It is not so much that I let my guard down in their company - some of them see right into me. It is a pleasure being diagnosed about my state of mind by one who is clear about his own thoughts. Because isn't it how it starts? One has to help oneself before others. 

Perhaps it's time to identify the root of the problem - that being psychological projection. My prescription is to write, and to write in detail I must. Which perhaps calls for multiple levels of restriction as one tends towards enunciating the internal monologue. Even so, one has to allow the flow of emotions and not to stifle them, but to watch the rise and ebb of these waves. Excessive energy should not be quelled, but spent on other activities. Understanding the self is the core issue here.

On that note, I wonder if the internal monologue is enough to quench the thirst of a creative mind? Must one, or should one conduct useful dialogue, or do meaningful actions, or even make ideas known through media and the arts? And what would be the outcome of a Kunstler(in) as such living in an oppressive state such that there exists not even the freedom of thought, what would be his/her fate? When such a right is taken away, when that right is regarded equivalent to the right to breathe, to eat, to live, to love… (Das Leben der Anderen) How can one then draw the line between a human and an animal?