To look life in the face

I am the cause of my own inspirational drain - it is as if I run on mana to conjure a blog entry or even write anything constructive, and I need recovery periods in between writing. On top of that, I feel my limits both in language and knowledge. I believe myself to be a "jack of all trades" and a "master of nothing". I am not even sure if I have decided the most appropriate course in life, when it all seemed so settled just a few months ago. Somehow I have let loose a side of me that was strangled so badly these past few years. And my mind should run wild as I see it, with no-one to gather its reins for the moment. As you see, it has run so wild that I have completely diverged from the topic…

 I have finally found time (more like bothered) to watch Blood Diamonds. Why has it taken our world so long to realise this issue of conflict diamonds? And not with all the campaigning by NGOs did ordinary people like us ever pay attention. It was always about power and money, stock markets and wars. Other issues seem trivial - just look at the media! Now it takes two Hollywood stars to raise the eyebrows of us, citizens from developed nations.

 I cry in shame for not having been aware earlier of what goes on behind this profitable trade, that has always painted a pretty picture of the stone. Think about the songs "Diamonds are forever" and "Diamonds are a girl's best friend". And like any other materialistic girl, I believed (and still do quite embarassingly) that the amount of love is proportional to the size and cut of the stone, needless to say its price! Though ironically, I find the stone too cumbersome and dangerous to take around.

 Fair enough for a profitable trade as such to publicise it in this way, it's just the way the game is played. But now that we are on this end of the demand chain, perhaps it's time we pay heed to where the money goes to. Such a natural resource is the property of the country of origin, and it is not up to any foreign country to liberally take ownership. It should really be used for the purposes of economic advancement, and would be a huge contradiction if used instead for the funding of arms for civil wars. Schade!

I am expected to own a dowry when the time comes, although I don't foresee any danger in my being subjected to dowry-related violence even if I don't own one. It may have to include such a stone if the old ones insist. I do wonder if they will let me be so bold as to insist on the source of the stone. Or if not, perhaps I would give up conforming to culture. 

In this democracy, free speech is only granted to the privileged few, those who govern the country in one way or another. We, the people are convinced of our fortune as citizens of a country as well-run as a business.

And now we see the squabbles between two privileged ones, of how a research institute is to be run. The sympathetic doctor stands for true science; the petty businessman insists on a money-making machine. The pawns watch on, dumbfounded.

Simply an embarrassing situation. My opinion? I am biased and partial. He who has once done good for the economy has proven time and time again his pettiness. Dictatorship is on page one of his dictionary, narrow-minded and totalitarian as he is. Where other research institutes have allowed only their funds to be influenced by the market, he now insists on running a research project like a business. And as a scientist not bound by any corrupt system, I look on it with contempt.

And this tower of a research institute under construction has got only a weak foundation. It has yet to compete with others in the region and the world. It faces heavy competition in gathering the best talent, and with its existing bureaucratic system, the atmosphere is at best stifling. It will only be a matter of time before this tower collapses, at the mercy of an unforgiving environment. And when that time comes, there will be much to lose, more than just the imports.
 

This site needs a revamp on its contents. There are bigger issues to talk about other than relationships. I will come back to that when the time is ripe, but in the meantime while recovering from a report deadline and a viva, here are my thoughts on home and where I belong…

"How should I express myself? I have never thought about this issue until just now when you posted this entry. So let’s see…

I firstly congratulate you for being ‘International’. I used to belong to Singapore, until I came to London. Then somewhere from 2-3 years ago I felt I belonged to Singapore. Now I am convinced I don’t. Now after some thought about this issue.

And it depends on your definition of ‘belonging’ as well… For me, I cannot ‘belong’ to Singapore any longer because I cannot see myself as a typical Singaporean. It is not that I refuse, but I cannot. And you are not too, you are not typical Hong Kong-er or Londoner or Japanese. So am I. So in my definition, we don’t ‘belong’ anywhere.

When I look at my family, even, they don’t ‘belong’ to Singapore. My mother is far from being a typical Singaporean and I am sure she is ready to move anywhere anytime. So even when I look at my family, I don’t feel Singaporean.

I am sure, Kamil, that what you feel is the result of being ‘International’. That is your sacrifice, to give up where you ‘belong’ for a wider view of the world. This level cannot be attained by just anybody, and when you have seen for yourself all the beauty and the ugliness of this world you find you cannot ‘belong’ anywhere. But take note that when I say ‘belong’, I don’t mean to say ‘home’.

Also, don’t let your environment rule over you, in influencing where you think you belong. Don’t let the pressure of society force this answer out of you. Don’t let the fact that QuGee being in London rule you to say you belong to London. QuGee itself has already attained international status and will be international.

Like you, I fear myself in Lausanne. I fear that I will think about where I belong, about how left out I will be when everyone else is in London. Take pride in whatever you are doing, wherever you are. Your life is now in Japan, so embrace it! You do not move on from good friends, and good friends do not move on from you. Whether things will stay the same between two people (or between you and everyone else) is up to you and everyone else - it takes two hands to clap!

Kaiting and I never grew apart. We grew together, even if we are not going to the same school anymore, not going out every other day of the week anymore. I have faith it will be the same for everyone in QuGee, no matter where, no matter how, when we meet again - trust in us

On a final note, ‘home’ to me is now Singapore, but my heart belongs to QuGee!"

I have just finished two books: The Hours by Michael Cunningham and Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami (a present from Atsuko and her family - thank you!). I'll comment on these later, though very controversial issues on sex, I have to say!