To look life in the face

Well, I've mentioned a few posts ago that I was informed I was to be bridesmaid (+ ringbearer) a few hours before my return back to Singapore. I have subsequently half-lamented my plight albeit jokingly to you guys, me and my refusal to believe in all that talk about the holy sanctity of marriage added to my very stubborn views on religion only convinced me that I was far from being the right person for the job. 

I have to say, though, now that the whole event is over, that it was indeed enjoyable but tiring. I was once again obsessed with ensuring that everything went according to plan. Gosh, that Obsession, even at such a joyous occasion! So let me recall now how a traditional chinese/catholic wedding should be like…

First, there was a church rehearsal a week before the wedding. I was supposed to be leading the procession into the chapel, but then they rearranged for Glady's sister, Grace, to lead with the Unity Candle (A candle that the couple will light together) since she was going to be back in Singapore just for the wedding. I have quite forgotten what the title of the wedding march was, but it wasn't the cliche one. Maizy, the wedding planner was a very efficient woman indeed, planning the details of the wedding down to the last five minutes! Anyway, everyone gathered in a circle at the end of the church rehearsal to say a prayer, to which I really couldn't bring myself to join, but found too rude to refuse. 

Then there were the 'biscuit rounds', a chinese tradition of giving out traditional chinese wedding biscuits (round, red biscuits with lotus seed paste filling Mmm) to close relatives (priority given to families of men of the extended family). Many people have sought to use fruit cakes in recent times, but Gladys chose to do it the traditional way since the fruit cake is now used too often. Never a day of the wedding preparation or the wedding itself passes without mention of me and my potential cheese rounds or timepiece rounds if I ever do marry a Swiss 'fondue maker' or watchmaker. To which, I never fail to chip in a word or two about diamonds on the timepieces hehehe…

There was of course a hen's night, after which the bride-to-be turned up ill the next afternoon for lunch. 29th September was the first day of the wedding celebrations. Ahh, I was very disciplined and arrived at 7am sharp at my cousin's front door, bringing with me  一 副 对联 (chinese calligraphy) kindly written by Mom to hang outside their door. 

" 花 好 月 為 圓,  琴 與 瑟 亦 靜"

The bride was up early and the makeup artist had already called. After almost two hours of preparation, we (jasmine and I) helped the bride into her gown, battling with the can-can and the neverending train of satin. Later by 10 when the house was teeming with relatives, I saw the biggest congregation of SIA pilots (James is a pilot) in my life, outside the gate, ready for the 'tekan (to beat or hit, but is most commonly used to describe being abused or scolded) session'. The poor things had to brave the heat, facing the many challenges set by the 'sisters' on this side of the gate, just to 'steal the bride', a cantonese tradition that's now widely practised. They even had to eat wasabi bread, drink pure lime juice and even wear adult diapers! 

When that was done, we then headed off to church, us (bridesmaids, bride and bride's father) being the last to leave. Then of course was the wedding march, singing hymns, exchanging of vows and prayers that I once again couldn't bring myself to say. After the wedding reception which was more like a photo-taking session, was then the tea ceremony at James' house and then Glady's place. The couple had to go through the ritual of first having a traditional dessert, serving tea to all those older than them in the family (of course men first, parents first) and then being served tea by those younger than them. They were also to receive gifts of jewellery and ang baos (red packets) from seniors, or give ang baos to those younger than them. Totally knackered by the end of the day!

The next day saw me nursing my throat and nose before the dinner. There wasn't enough time to eat and the emcees, performers and the bridal party were pretty much coped up with following a schedule. Instead of the table rounds of 'yum seng!' (gan1 bei1), there were table photos. Good for me because I don't drink. I guess the most interesting event of the night was a discussion with one of the pilots about female pilots. 

It certainly wasn't a mundane two days, but if you'd ask me, there's been so much rigorous planning involved in this ceremony (and perhaps most others) that it's a ritual. Added to that, the obligations attached when you have a traditional ceremony, planned by enthusiastic senior members of the family - how can one actually enjoy the process of getting married?

Photographer: Is everyone standing with their family? (pointed at me & my 2nd uncle) Are you with them?

(family members looking around, fingers pointing) 

Xiao: Oh, it really doesn't matter to me where I stand.

It's mid-autumn festival today! And I did not have mooncakes, but what I had was chese fondue moitie moitie. :) *Mmm* I obviously bought too much cheese though, there were five of us and I had bought a portion for four. But I found myself eating alone towards the end, and there was still half a pot full of cheese. Ok, didn't factor in the asian diet!

Went around Little India today with JGL, for the first time in my life! It is almost embarassing to say that I was brought up as a Singaporean, went to government schools all my life. I suddenly feel I am quite uneducated about my own country! What struck me most was that despite mildly racist comments I have been hearing from my (extended) family all my life, it surely didn't make me feel that way today at Little India. We were more than welcome. 

I shall blog about it another time, after MBTI and Chinatown. Things have just been too busy recently and I am facing a deadline for this friday. Yes, another commitment. And I've been scouring touristy places for postcards to send, but haven't found any particularly interesting. Perhaps some of Jacq's photos would do… hehehehe! 

Been chatting with my mom again tonight on the car, discussing relationships. I'm grateful that these past few months of my life have been peaceful but not bland. I want this feeling to carry on. But of course, I had my fair share of heart-breaking moments almost a year ago now. It takes a long time for the soul to recover from such ill-treatment. All three of us in this house are at different phases in how we deal with relationships, and of course our ideals are different too. It is good to know that I have finally reached the end in my search for the answer as to what constitutes a healthy relationship & what my ideal partner should be like. Needless to say, it goes beyond 'blond-haired, glasses'… :D

It's one of those evenings when I'm alone in my room, music playing in the background, feeling dejected again. What about this time? Probably that sense of loss, that things around me are so wrong and yet there is nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do to help it get better except maybe to leave. Why have I just committed myself to something that binds me to home again? The mere FRUSTRATION!

Why do people fuss about their weddings? So much such that it becomes a chore just organising it? What are people thinking behind that facade they are presenting? What's wrong with being on 'mama-papa scholarship'? Why can't a primary school teacher watch her words? Why do people take grudges? Why do people judge based on solely academic results? Why are people obsessed with money? How can one lead a life that revolves only around restaurants, pubs, the office, shopping centres and the cinema? How can men go about their lives just playing computer games? Why does our state condone a double-standard pay scheme? How can a people not speak up against injustice? 

Once again I had to defy convention to do what I want. Sure enough, people in THIS society wouldn't understand, they wouldn't see the point unless you get 'somewhere', when your actions speak for themselves, literally screaming 'shut up'! And then people approach from the other angle, with all their bootlicking. Oh enough with the boasting, I want to be just myself, just another person in this state, doing something that seems meaningful to me. Enough with the boasting, my credentials are mine and they haven't got anythign to do with you no matter the 'family ties'!

The beginning. Kai1 shi3. Hoi chi. Das Anfang.

I will start tomorrow, probably 'training' to promote the society for the Tunnel Party on Saturday. Received an email today from M as well, Manager for Corporate Administration at the society.

Having been a city girl all my life, born and bred as a middle-class citizen of my country, most of the 'gender equity' issues I have faced so far don't go beyond 'who does the housework' and 'who pays for dinner'. Finally, I may be able to find the answers that I have been looking for all my life. Starting tomorrow.

Just a side note, JGL and I were sitting under a coconut tree today outside Ngee Ann City. A boy not older than 16 came up to us asking for a donation. After giving him money with some hesitation, he asked us, "Are you from Sg? Because I hear your accent…" 

Dearest red passport, I'm afraid I am 'sort of' from here…

Just came back from Karaoke with my ex-colleagues. Have I been away so long? I couldn't even find my way to Orchard Road from City Hall today. The clothes I left in my wardrobe 4 years ago have gone mouldy. I couldn't recognise any songs at the Karaoke lounge. Even my softball glove has gone mouldy… And looking at the soft toys I played with years ago, I realised there will come a day when everything will fall apart. 

Four years of absence will be topped with another four years. My accent has changed, and it's so difficult to speak Singlish again. I have an urge to speak cantonese all the time. I'm seeing frowns. People are telling me I won't be coming back after all. It's stifling. I want to cycle, but the only place to do that is East Coast Park. I need some time alone, or time with someone I can relate to. 

Perhaps it's been the past year especially, after the departure of two people who have always tied me to home emotionally and psychologically. I have shrugged off my reigns, and I feel that I might have wandered too far. So far that I wish I hadn't been so ambitious, that I wish I were 'one of them', 'normal' like everyone else. 

Interesting article that Jacq showed me:

http://www.talfryn.net/2007/05/31/yatck/

It's the YATCK syndrome! *gasp*

*To look up Pollock & van Reken* 

Mission for today is to buy mooncakes & to look for a salon where I can have a haircut for SGD40. :)

Clothes packed, room almost vacated. Typing up recipes I may want to try out now, filling in dates in my diary.

AND

Coming to terms with the latest news received very early this morning, about 9am SG time:

I'm going to be a BRIDESMAID. Not only that, I am going to be RING BEARER as well…

I think I asked for it this time. Perhaps it will be useful if I psyche myself to believe in the idea of 'marriage' between now and the 29th. And I'll have to start practising that smile. *smile!*

Still trying to come to terms with this 6 hours before flying. I expect it to be a very interesting holiday indeed… 

Do we keep changing or do we grow to become more of who we are?

I'm having an overdose of ideas, of things I want to talk about. It's after reading 'Veronika decides to die'. Will comment when I actually have the strength to sit and think about it. For now, I really should finish that email to Aine.

What is music?

No matter how many times people tell you stories about what music means, forget them. Music is never about anything. Music just is. Music is notes, beautiful notes and sounds put together in such a way that we get pleasure out of listening to them, that's all there is to it. And when we ask "what does it mean, what does this piece of music mean" then we are asking a very hard question.

- Leonard Bernstein, conductor & composer