To look life in the face

Lausanne to me has become a symbol of peace - the calm of the waters, the quiet of the city on a Sunday, as if to say, "take a break…", the clear outline of the French Alps in the distance, pompous and commanding to take your breath away so you could think of nothing else but revel in its beauty. My own apartment in the middle of the night, so still you could hear footsteps above you. And the delight in imagining just how homely I can make it.

So what exactly drew me back to London with such enthusiasm that I could proclaim these bunch of friends here "family"? There are the same expectations as before. To a certain extent I understand what Kamil meant whne he talked about change. It really isn't the same is it? Well not as if I never saw that coming. I even had first hand experience when I went back for Commemoration Day this year. My head is spinning now, words are jumbled, the faces of people are all a blur, I cannot see now what things are, cannot differentiate between the now and then and the should be, I cannot think for myself whilst my heart is afire. 

Perhaps the fact that even with lowered expectations, that one is required again to sink even lower with them. It would have been possible to live with another without crossing boundaries, even to attempt building up relationships, but what should one do when the respect due is not given? Or perhaps that that in itself is an expectation? And also perhaps that one should adopt the attitude that it is really "each for his own", to only trust oneself and to stand up for one's own rights even if it means playing the rogue. Where exactly do I stand? I am tearing myself apart minute by minute between this and my own beliefs, my words gradually just becoming a pile of jumble, nonsensical, and I am not meaning what I say, even saying what I mean. I need to straighten out my thoughts. 

What are these, games? Actions done deliberately? Subconsciously? But when repeated one too often one can be almost certain of the implications, the underlying meaning behind these words, these actions. Or what? Am I being too involved to see the whole picture? What am I missing out? What is the story like on the other side? How much can I trust these words?

Yes, certainly it is Christmas Day today, and I do wish that things are good. Last year today I was in Japan, walking Roppongi with Atsuko and Kamil, surrounded by lighted white Christmas trees. 7 years ago I was part of a sports team, complaining of our captain for affecting others with her temper when she was upset. I know I don't believe in pulling others down with my mood, and I do hope tonight's Christmas celebrations will be good - with or without the laughter that will be drowned out by the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra anyway. Could this simply be a variation of taking those closest to you for granted? I am glad I have foreseen the importance of keeping in contact with friends here and in Singapore I have left alone for ages, people who I know care, beyond the walls of my house. And what's new with being treated like a second-class citizen? You cry and then you laugh it away. My wish now is only to enjoy my remaining time here in London and to finish here what I came for.

Well, I've mentioned a few posts ago that I was informed I was to be bridesmaid (+ ringbearer) a few hours before my return back to Singapore. I have subsequently half-lamented my plight albeit jokingly to you guys, me and my refusal to believe in all that talk about the holy sanctity of marriage added to my very stubborn views on religion only convinced me that I was far from being the right person for the job. 

I have to say, though, now that the whole event is over, that it was indeed enjoyable but tiring. I was once again obsessed with ensuring that everything went according to plan. Gosh, that Obsession, even at such a joyous occasion! So let me recall now how a traditional chinese/catholic wedding should be like…

First, there was a church rehearsal a week before the wedding. I was supposed to be leading the procession into the chapel, but then they rearranged for Glady's sister, Grace, to lead with the Unity Candle (A candle that the couple will light together) since she was going to be back in Singapore just for the wedding. I have quite forgotten what the title of the wedding march was, but it wasn't the cliche one. Maizy, the wedding planner was a very efficient woman indeed, planning the details of the wedding down to the last five minutes! Anyway, everyone gathered in a circle at the end of the church rehearsal to say a prayer, to which I really couldn't bring myself to join, but found too rude to refuse. 

Then there were the 'biscuit rounds', a chinese tradition of giving out traditional chinese wedding biscuits (round, red biscuits with lotus seed paste filling Mmm) to close relatives (priority given to families of men of the extended family). Many people have sought to use fruit cakes in recent times, but Gladys chose to do it the traditional way since the fruit cake is now used too often. Never a day of the wedding preparation or the wedding itself passes without mention of me and my potential cheese rounds or timepiece rounds if I ever do marry a Swiss 'fondue maker' or watchmaker. To which, I never fail to chip in a word or two about diamonds on the timepieces hehehe…

There was of course a hen's night, after which the bride-to-be turned up ill the next afternoon for lunch. 29th September was the first day of the wedding celebrations. Ahh, I was very disciplined and arrived at 7am sharp at my cousin's front door, bringing with me  一 副 对联 (chinese calligraphy) kindly written by Mom to hang outside their door. 

" 花 好 月 為 圓,  琴 與 瑟 亦 靜"

The bride was up early and the makeup artist had already called. After almost two hours of preparation, we (jasmine and I) helped the bride into her gown, battling with the can-can and the neverending train of satin. Later by 10 when the house was teeming with relatives, I saw the biggest congregation of SIA pilots (James is a pilot) in my life, outside the gate, ready for the 'tekan (to beat or hit, but is most commonly used to describe being abused or scolded) session'. The poor things had to brave the heat, facing the many challenges set by the 'sisters' on this side of the gate, just to 'steal the bride', a cantonese tradition that's now widely practised. They even had to eat wasabi bread, drink pure lime juice and even wear adult diapers! 

When that was done, we then headed off to church, us (bridesmaids, bride and bride's father) being the last to leave. Then of course was the wedding march, singing hymns, exchanging of vows and prayers that I once again couldn't bring myself to say. After the wedding reception which was more like a photo-taking session, was then the tea ceremony at James' house and then Glady's place. The couple had to go through the ritual of first having a traditional dessert, serving tea to all those older than them in the family (of course men first, parents first) and then being served tea by those younger than them. They were also to receive gifts of jewellery and ang baos (red packets) from seniors, or give ang baos to those younger than them. Totally knackered by the end of the day!

The next day saw me nursing my throat and nose before the dinner. There wasn't enough time to eat and the emcees, performers and the bridal party were pretty much coped up with following a schedule. Instead of the table rounds of 'yum seng!' (gan1 bei1), there were table photos. Good for me because I don't drink. I guess the most interesting event of the night was a discussion with one of the pilots about female pilots. 

It certainly wasn't a mundane two days, but if you'd ask me, there's been so much rigorous planning involved in this ceremony (and perhaps most others) that it's a ritual. Added to that, the obligations attached when you have a traditional ceremony, planned by enthusiastic senior members of the family - how can one actually enjoy the process of getting married?

Photographer: Is everyone standing with their family? (pointed at me & my 2nd uncle) Are you with them?

(family members looking around, fingers pointing) 

Xiao: Oh, it really doesn't matter to me where I stand.

It's mid-autumn festival today! And I did not have mooncakes, but what I had was chese fondue moitie moitie. :) *Mmm* I obviously bought too much cheese though, there were five of us and I had bought a portion for four. But I found myself eating alone towards the end, and there was still half a pot full of cheese. Ok, didn't factor in the asian diet!

Went around Little India today with JGL, for the first time in my life! It is almost embarassing to say that I was brought up as a Singaporean, went to government schools all my life. I suddenly feel I am quite uneducated about my own country! What struck me most was that despite mildly racist comments I have been hearing from my (extended) family all my life, it surely didn't make me feel that way today at Little India. We were more than welcome. 

I shall blog about it another time, after MBTI and Chinatown. Things have just been too busy recently and I am facing a deadline for this friday. Yes, another commitment. And I've been scouring touristy places for postcards to send, but haven't found any particularly interesting. Perhaps some of Jacq's photos would do… hehehehe! 

Been chatting with my mom again tonight on the car, discussing relationships. I'm grateful that these past few months of my life have been peaceful but not bland. I want this feeling to carry on. But of course, I had my fair share of heart-breaking moments almost a year ago now. It takes a long time for the soul to recover from such ill-treatment. All three of us in this house are at different phases in how we deal with relationships, and of course our ideals are different too. It is good to know that I have finally reached the end in my search for the answer as to what constitutes a healthy relationship & what my ideal partner should be like. Needless to say, it goes beyond 'blond-haired, glasses'… :D

Arrived at Poole on Friday before Terry left work, found my way towards the Quay. Here's the oldest building in Poole, just next to the Tourist information centre:

which is next to the Quay…

And then I met Te Te after he knocked off…

had a couple of drinks with his colleagues (mostly mathematicians) along High Street, and headed off for dinner at The Slug and Lettuce, great food, before a nice (and long) walk home. We saw a porcupine on the road. The poor thing was much afraid, but the motorists stopped their cars and a very kind motorcyclist came to save it. Last I heard from Te Te, it was run over by a car though, yesterday…

We had a nice headstart on the second day, Te Te having calculated the time exactly for us to take the train to Bournemouth. Little did we expect that we'd be held up by the Lifting Bridge…

So we were stranded for a full half hour and were just able to catch the next train to Bournemouth to meet YGG and YSS…

(I look like my mom in this picture!) 

We had lunch near the beach…

before heading for the city center to stop by for coffee…

then we walked the beach for almost 4 hours…

and we saw some very determined people shovelling sand…

and a very cute dog…

and we carried on walking…

until it was almost sunset…

and we finally put on our shoes…

and took a bus back to Poole

where I showed off my uneven tan over dinner…

That was one very tiring day indeed! The next day saw us lazing around until noon where we took a ferry to Brownsea island…

I can imagine Te Te arriving at Brownsea in a suit! He must have look really out of place! The scouts are having their centenary year celebrations, and Brownsea Island plays a huge part in Scouts history. We met an elderly couple at the docks before boarding the ferry, and they needed help with translation. Livia didn't hesitate a single second to help. They were chinese doctors who have been working in Bath for four years now. Embarrassed to say they were as active as us, if not better!

they actually make soup with this…

And that's about the end of our trip down south. We went back to Poole just in time to catch our transport back to London (train/ coach). So it will be another two weeks before seeing Te Te again! 

Terry leading the way (and orientating Cent Cent) with the GPS system on his Nokia N95 

So we finally see Cent Cent

There was a Farm Shop near the entrance to the Park 

where they sold very affordable, cheap produce grown on the farm! 

We carried on walking along the driveway until we saw Osterley House in the distance

and we realised it's a good thing that Terry didn't bring extra bread…

The guys in front of the neo-classical Osterley House

We entered the picnic area and found several logs along the bank of the river 

So we sat down and ate our lunch - a scrumptious M & S picnic meal 

YSS found some blackberries on the way back. Actually, she plucked them and then threw them in the soil later, claiming her role in its life cycle…

And we ended the day with some hot tea and cake (for me) at the stables-turned-cafe. It was here that YGG fell asleep and drooled over his MS Trading notes… 

When one is tired of London, one is tired of life.

I embark on a journey to the heart of V. Woolf's childhood tomorrow. It is only a short walk from the family house at No. 22 Hyde Park Gate to Kensington Gardens. How utterly unaware I have been that Kensington was once the nesting area for "the aristocracy of intellect". It must inspire me in some way.